Chani, Walking on Water, and Random Thoughts

my_chani_laughs_wmThis is my best friend, Chani. She and I could spend hours together and never tire of one another. We’ve done that before when we went to Canada, but it’s never enough hours. Last weekend we headed out on another journey to attend a retreat with other foster/adoptive moms. This time we picked up a few more passengers on the way.

The planning of this trip has been a little crazy for me. When Chani first introduced me to the idea I was so very against it. I just didn’t feel like I could face meeting more women and getting real with them. It’s so exhausting. I didn’t want to think about the finances. (I didn’t think much about them and I kind of regret that now.) Then suddenly I was so very for us going and she wasn’t so sure. I’m not sure how many times we flip flopped on the issue. At some point we decided yes and I prodded her into sending in her registration. Once we did that, it was done. We put money down on it. We had to go.

The day before we were to leave I texted her, “WE ARE NOT GOING. THIS IS A DUMB IDEA. I DON’T WANT TO GO!” I can’t remember what she texted back. It was probably something funny.

So, Friday morning I go pick her up, we talk about all the hiccups in the getting ready to depart. She’s still running around a little frantically. It’s a lot of work to leave the family for a weekend! I was already feeling free since my kids were dispersed and things in order on my end.

As I said, I was a little intimidated by the the sheer amount of women there. Oh holy heck, am I going to have to talk about myself 30 different times. Please don’t make me talk to you strange people. On the other hand, it is such an incredibly great feeling to be with women who completely understand your life with your kids. Not one of those women would say, “Oh, that’s normal. All kids do that.” Though they may say, “My kids do that, too!” You look at one another and you just know that you’re not in this alone. You’ve got others fighting this battle of leading their children to healing. If you talked to Chani she’d say I was WAY more freaked out on our first night in Canada than with this one. To be fair, I was sleep deprived on our Canada trip. I kept telling her that I just couldn’t be there. What was I going to do, though? I couldn’t just leave. I knew that God made a way for me to be here and that it would be good. I had to quiet my fears.

The next morning I wake and leave my bunk room to go for a walk. It was so nice. I wandered. Occasionally I wondered if I could find my way back, but I didn’t care. I was enjoying my solitude.

lake_wm

 

I sat on that bench at the end of the dock  for a long time. I thought about how Jesus and calmed the stormy waters. I’ve never been in a boat when there’s a storm, but I can understand how frightening that could be. It was bad enough that these seasoned fishermen came to Him as he was sleeping saying, “Teacher do You not care that we are perishing?” Then when He calmed the waters they wondered who he was that even the sea and the waves obey Him.

Who is He, indeed?

Then there was that time that He was walking on the water & called Peter to Him. Peter was doing it. He asked the Lord to call him out upon the water, so He did. Peter steps out of the boat walking toward Jesus, but then sees that it’s windy and begins to sink. Jesus asked Peter why he doubted. I wonder if looking away from Jesus is the same as doubting.

Peter lost his focus.

I must admit that I wanted to walk on that water. I wondered what would happen if I just stepped out. What does walking on water feel like? I want to know.

Time and again, I’ve asked the Lord to use me for His Kingdom. I’ve told Him I’d do anything for Him, no matter how hard it is. I know He has called me to great and difficult things. He is faithful to answer my prayers, sometimes I don’t pray them because I’m afraid of what it will means when He answers. What will be required of me? Yet, there are things in my heart that nudge me and before I know it I pray the thing.

Like Peter, I am impulsive to blurt things, but I easily lose focus. (I’m sure this blog post can attest to that!)

Yesterday I was texting Chani about some of my frustrations. At the retreat I shared my personal adoption story and learning that I have the same attachment issues as my children. I realize that my story gives hope to people, but it doesn’t give me hope. I feel like I don’t know what’s happening or even if my kids will make the choice to heal. This is her reply: “What if she grows up and does hard things, like, self sacrificial, orphan care hard things… what if she grows up to fight for healthy relationships and give people hope who don’t otherwise have any… success?? Yes, my friend. Believe in your story. It is good.”  

When I related that I wanted something great in me to be released. She’s there. She’s in me, but I’m not letting her out. My Chani says, “I think that what happens is happening, one step at a time my beautiful warrior, back on the horse, live to fight another day, turn a new leaf, etc etc etc.”

Then when I told her my fear of being replaced she assures me, “You babycakes, are irreplaceable. We smart people know that. No question.” She had all the right words for me yesterday.

Can you believe that earlier that day I was lamenting over the fact that I haven’t any friends who remind me who I am and call me to greatness when I need it. Maybe I needed to feel the lack to see that I don’t lack that at all.

I was just about to send publish for this blog when I realized something.  I found the reason why I was having a hard time believing in my story. I was focusing on MY story. This isn’t MY story at all, is it? It’s His Story. God. It’s all His. Ha! Wow. Ok. Got it! Seriously. Wow.

This isn’t about you or me. It’s His story in us. We have a choice to live it or not. I choose His story.

How about you?

 

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4 comments

  1. Im so happy you came to our little retreat Darlene, and with Chani too! Your both amazing and I hope we will continue to see you at each annual retreat! you are precious!

  2. Darlene, You gave me strength to call Kristine “Hope” – Thank you for risking yourself and your story last weekend! You DO matter and you are His princess in His story for sure – definitely NOT replaceable! – Beki

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