A Year Ago Today…sort of

I wrote this on the morning of the July 4th, but apparently didn’t publish it. I guess it’s due to the insane migraine I had.

I woke up to this gift. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this. I have looked at this gift over and over and over to remind me why it’s worth getting out of bed.  I find this sentence amusing, it’s the first line in the post I linked to, “It has been 3-1/2 months since my husband left. I feel like it should all be a distant memory, but it isn’t.”  Really? Wow. Well now I can say something like, “It’s been 1 year & 3 weeks since my husband left and it still isn’t a distant memory.” I still think about it every day…several times a day, in fact. I don’t feel bad about that at all.  I think I’m beginning to understand and maybe even embrace this journey I’m on. There are still days I’d rather sleep than deal with life, but I don’t stay in bed so much. Anyway, I’m up with a migraine and I had this memory. So, go see the love of a friend poured out on me: Reasons to get out of bed each morning.

Please check this out

The Marrs-

Good and faithful friends of mine who are pregnant with their fourth child. Please check out their site and pray for the baby.

Thank you.

How Can it Be…

…that I’ve been away from my kids for most of 3 days and I’m already worn out and wanting to cry?

…that I’ve spent a very long time making pancakes and my kitchen is messy and I really just want my kids to go outside for a long time?

…that even though I let my eldest son stay up so late playing video games with friends that he is still ungrateful?

…that I feel so alone when my kids are gone, but when they’re here I still have that alone feeling?

…that sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore?

…and that I think I have multiple “me’s” and I can’t seem to reconcile them all?

…that I have so many amazing plans for summer, but when it comes down to it I feel like I’m just treading water?

Is it okay to complain here? Or should I just show the sunny side? I don’t know.

…that I have a practically perfect pancake on the same griddle as a partially burnt pancake?

On another note, my closet is still clean and I will be taking pictures of said closet and other cleaned & organized area and write a blog about that.

Ok. I think I get to sit down and eat one of my chocolate chip pancakes now.

Forgiveness

I received this in my inbox today. It’s from a daily email ministry from Divorce Care.

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. ‘Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you’” (Luke 6:36-38).

These emails have proven to be very helpful. They know what they’re talking about. They have addressed the heart issues experienced on this journey in such an incredibly timely manner.

Some have told me that I have been far more forgiving than they would be, but  I truly doubt that. You soon realize that being angry, bitter, and unforgiving isn’t in line with living a joyful life. Sure, I still get angry and deal with feelings of unforgiveness. I’m constantly asking the Lord, “How can I be forgiving and angry at the same time? Is it even possible for a human such as myself? It’s truly not even worth the work to walk in anger. I’ve been told to demand money from him for months. Why? It wouldn’t produce any good effect. I guess I’m just saying this to let you all know that I am no saint. Many of you know that already.

Whatever good is in me is not of me, but of Christ. I am clothed in Him. He covers all my flaws & imperfections. What you see is Him in me. Not me in me.

I am abundantly grateful this morning. As in, ABUNDANTLY!!!

I was telling a friend this morning that I  do not regret the past 14 years or the choices I made. Psalm 119:71, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes.”

My friend had this to say:

God’s plan is perfect

and He didn’t plan the pain

but He knew it would come

and it’s like a good gardener (which I am)

when you know the rains coming, you plant seeds ahead of time

so that when the rain comes

….

corn, baby

all that He put in you

was put there knowing how Satan would attack you

and knowing that in the end

these light afflictions will work in us a far more exceeding weight of glory

Bless the Lord

“These light afflictions will work in us a far more exceeding weight of glory”

AMEN & AMEN

In my life Lord, be glorified. Make that GLORIFIED!

Ok. Ok. I hear your cries for more!

I’m sitting here staring at my computer screen while my almost-thirteen-year-old puts away clean dishes while the three youngers pretend to play fairy coffee shop. I am tired from not sleeping well. My bedroom/office/creative happy spot is absolutely in disarray. Much like my thoughts….

So, I have been asked to update my blog. So here I am. I read over my past entries and am appalled that it’s been almost 3 months since my last entry. I feel like I’m constantly writing something. Then I realized that I’m not actually writing it all down. It’s just running around in circles in my head. It reminds me of an old REO Speedwagon music video where there’s all these things spinning around his head. I can’t remember the song. I didn’t have MTV. I watched it on TBS Night Tracks. It had hours of videos every Friday and Saturday night.

I’m not sure where the time goes. I mean, I do. I am a busy woman, but I do also waste time. I’m sure none of the amazing mothers do that, but I’m short of amazing. I’m pretty normal.

I am really really really really happy about the warm weather. I will never complain about the heat again. I missed out on last summer. That’s when I found out about my husband’s affair. I spent most of last summer in bed. I tried to pretend that I was doing well, but I really wasn’t. I only went blueberry picking once last year. We didn’t pick or can anything. I even let my tomato plants die that someone gave me. I will not let this summer go to the dump. I’ve already taken my kids out strawberry picking. We picked about 30 lbs. in an hour. I made 9 pints of strawberry jam and froze the rest. I haven’t had time to make bread so I’ve been eating peanut butter and jam from the spoon. So. Very. Yummy. I will be picking more and canning more. I found a preserving journal I began in 1999. A flat of strawberries was $9.99. Now it’s about $23. However, if you pick them yourself at a place like Farmer John’s it is $1 per pound and well worth it. It was far easier than I expected.

So much has happened in 2 1/2 months. I don’t know where to begin….

I will leave you with 2 things.

1. I promise to update my blog more regularly & over the next week or so i will get you all caught up on my life.

2.

Journey Through Time- part deux

As promised, another Journey Through Time!

I didn’t write much in the summer of ‘06 & what I did write doesn’t really need to be repeated here. Life was still incredibly overwhelming to me. Managing the four kids was so hard. I didn’t pick as many blueberries that summer and I almost missed the peaches! How can you miss peach picking! It’s just wrong to miss out on such a thing. Well, I did miss out on last year because Pihl Orchard was bought out by Evergreen. Yep. The same Evergreen that has an airport, omnimax theater, and 2 museums. Pihl Orchards was run by a sweet elderly German couple whom I loved deeply. I had been going there for years. It’s also the same orchard that Christopher was left behind in the summer of ‘05. Have I told you that story?

Our journey resumes in September when I decided to take a blogging break where I thought I’d take some time to get my life in order. Well, I’m still waiting for order! I made me return to blogging in November. I still feel that way, but deeper. Our first Christmas as a family of 6 was quickly approaching. Every Christmas my heart yearns for something more & yet something less at the same time. That year was no exception. Ooh look how passionate I was the day after Christmas. Now I’m not saying that I’m not longer passionate, but I am much more subdued in what I write these days. Goodness gracious! I really wrote a lot in December. My friend even dubbed me the ‘blogging queen’. I gotta bring back the B-Files! Ooh, and the B-Files revisited!

Here’s one of the best days of my life…or rather the day after. My life has never been the same since then!

Ahhh, then we revisit another day that changed my life forever. It’s result was definitely the best thing ever.

Well, I think you’ve journeyed plenty for today.

Oy Vey

(What does that mean, anyway?)

OK. I’m aware that it’s almost 5 in the evening and it should be dinner time. I understand that Ireland isn’t tired because she got to sleep in the van. I didn’t sleep in the van. I was driving. I have slept while driving before. I don’t recommend it. Really. Anyway, the point is that while I’d love to write a good blog, I just can’t. I must close these eyes. I’m tired. While driving I kept thinking of things of blogs to write, but I can’t remember them. So, goodnight. I’ll wake up later. Feed my kids Mac & Cheese (it was free) and popcorn and let them choose a movie. They’ll stay up far too late and sleep in. Monday we must get back into a normal routine….

Oh, I’m listening to Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. It’s so awesome!

Amazing isn’t a strong enough word!

So yesterday I mentioned that I had found a lost grocery store gift card. Today I planned out a grocery list and found somewhere for my kids to be while I shopped. Now, I’m not one to pawn my kids off on people, though I’ve been tempted to more often lately, but it is so much easier to shop without them. It isn’t as if they are little terrors, it’s just that I can’t concentrate. I’m armed with my list, grocery bags, calculator, and my friend Cecelia. Now mind you, I usually start shopping in the produce section, moving onto the bulk, then chilled, and end with the few shelved items we get. This time I did it just the opposite so that as I was adding up I had all my known expenses tallied before moving onto the bulk and produce. We filled our bags carefully weighing and calculating each thing. I kept meticulous notes. My cart was getting full. Cecelia was doubting whether it was going to stay under $100. My final tally on paper was $100.46. OK. Well, I was concerned because I thought that perhaps I didn’t estimate very well and that perhaps it was more over than a few cents. So I prayed. I prayed that the Lord wouldn’t let it go over $100. We’re in the checkout line and I have a nervous fidget to me. I tell the cashier that I have this gift card and I don’t want to go over. Oh, I had 7 of my own bags to use so that gave me a .42 credit. Now she’s down to the very last item. The total is so close, then she scans in my celery and what pops up on the screen in big green numbers? 100.00! Can you believe it? It was right on the dot! I’m blogging, journaling, and scrapbooking this event. He answered my prayer beyond my expectation. I’m hoping all the beans and rice will last quite nicely for us, but even if it doesn’t I’m confident that He will provide.

p.s. I am so thankful that WordPress automatically saves as I’m writing. Somehow I lost this post last night, but found it today when I logged in.

I’m still here…in case you wondered

There is so much to share with you. I don’t know where to begin. I’ll just babble on like I usually do, I guess.

My last post was about snow. It wasn’t a good picture of what was really going on here in wonderland, but I hope to expound on that later with pictures after I get them all uploaded. I was pretty much housebound for 2 weeks. Part of that is my fault since I wasn’t prepared. If I would have had chains I could have gone out to buy rabbit and human food. If I would have had boots I would have played outside more and went on more walks. I didn’t expect the snow to last so long so I didn’t bother trying to get out on the first day. However, we have great friends who were always willing to drop of potatoes and toilet paper as needed. The kids had fun and I missed some great pictures due to lack of boots. They were all playing way out in the field and I just couldn’t bring myself to trek out there and come back soggy. Hmm, maybe that’s what separates the good photographers from the GREAT ones. Mental note: search thrift stores for good winter boots even if it’s 100° outside at that moment. Oh, the snow in my backyard got to be between 12-14 inches. They were layers of ice and snow. Kind of painful to walk in. Ask me how I know. Then remind me that boots would remedy that.

Christmas was the best I ever had. Really. I’m not putting you on. In the morning the children were arguing and I was in my room thinking about how my kids aren’t supposed to be fighting and how this isn’t what a family is supposed to look like. Then I started thinking about our previous Christmas celebrations and realized that this season was, by FAR, the most peaceful we’ve ever had. There was joy. There was fun. We were celebrating. I really do have so much to be thankful for. Christmas eve we had a nice dinner. We all dressed up, the girls and I curled our hair. We lit candles and drank water from wine glasses. There wasn’t much to our meal, but we laughed. A couple of friends dropped by and joined us. On Christmas morning my van battery was dead so I had to be rescued. After getting on the road I drove across town to spend the day with friends. We had brunch and dinner with them. Fun was had by all. Even though we were cooking for 14 people it didn’t seem like much work.

That evening Christopher told me that he likes our life now because we are happier and can have friends over and go to friends’ houses more.

Another blessing! Some ladies from church wanted to buy my kids Christmas gifts. My kids were thrilled. I was relieved. My kids were surprised that others would want to do that. I am so proud of Sage. He had a fewer amount of gifts, but he was so full of joy when watching the others open their gifts. His eye’s sparkled. Literally. I’ve never seen such thing before. Sage, my passionate one. Let me tell you how sweet he is. First of all, go back and read about his gift to Levi. Sage had a few gifts under the tree that he had wrapped up for his sibling and me. He gave me a comic book style story of Scarlett Pimpernel, a small container of bright green play-doh, and some sparkly golden silly putty in a play-doh container. He wrapped them in normal paper with double side tape, but he used the tape as you would normal tape.

When the gifts were delivered they also came with a turkey, potatoes, and various other goodies. My guests, kids, and I are thankful. Oh, I also received a $100 gift card to WinCo. That is a gigantic blessing. We’re almost out of popcorn and brewer’s yeast!

When I looked in my little church mailbox yesterday I found a gift certificate for a hair salon. A couple months back I received a gift card to Urban Bliss. It’s a spa/salon place. Is somebody trying to tell me something about my hair or nails. I haven’t ever had a pedicure or manicure. Maybe now is the time, eh?

I lost 2 lbs. over Christmas week. I just baked brownies so that first sentence may not really matter by tomorrow morning.

Well, I’m thinking it’s a good idea to start school next week. Like really start school. I sort of did school once in a while with the kids, but the fact is that after this whole my-husband-is-living-with-another-woman fiasco it’s pretty hard to pick yourself off the floor….or drag yourself out of bed, as was the case with me. I thought I was okay. Okay meant getting out of bed, taking a shower, and going back to bed. I yell more than I used to. How else will you get them to listen when you’re stuck on your bed? I’m not sayin’ I’m proud of this, okay? (Remember, we are all happier now, despite the increase in yelling.) I let behaviours slide because I just couldn’t deal with anything. (My behaviours as well as the kids.) We’re all feeling the repercussions of this now, but guess what? I don’t feel guilty. I don’t feel like I neglected my motherly duty…much. I felt guilty while it was happening, but not now. I really couldn’t function. You don’t know what it’s like to have the rug pulled out of under you until it happens. I sincerely hope that none of my readers will ever experience such pain. I don’t feel guilty because it has been 6 1/2 months and I am out of bed. My house is clean. (Well, the mirror in the kids bathroom is atrocious, but they’re learning to clean mirrors.) My kids are fed. Hey, even ALL my laundry is done at the moment. My bed is made. (My desk is messy, but getting better.) I have finally faced my financial situation and put in a spreadsheet. It ain’t pretty, but I’m not panicking.

Here’s why I’m not panicking. The God that loves me has named every star. Did you get that? EVERY star. Do you know how many that is. He must be so creative to come up with so many names. I’m pretty sure He didn’t name them M51 or some such thing. He holds the constellations in His hand. God can provide it all. He can also choose not to. I’m not deceived into thinking that because I love Jesus that everything will be peachy. I know there are jobless, homeless, hungry lovers of Jesus out there. I’m just thinking that perhaps I don’t need to hold on to these things so tightly. Maybe I need to lay down some of my pride and seek help in ways I didn’t think I ever would. (Okay, I really should lay down ALL my pride.) Perhaps I’m really going to have to learn how to work hard, be diligent, and face the fears that come my way in order to make it. I know it looks impossible for me to stay home to homeschool and mother my children and provide for them, but it isn’t. (I don’t have a solution right now, but I do know that nothing is impossible with God and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.) I don’t always feel so confident, but I’m working on commanding my emotions and not allowing my emotions to rule my life. Choosing joy over crabbiness…or at least choosing kindness. Choosing life over death. Victory over defeat.

Wow, I totally got off track. I was going to talk about school plans, but I’ll save that for another time. I don’t have any plans to speak of anyway!

My prayer for me is that wisdom and kindness flow freely from my mouth. I am seeing the Proverbs 31 woman in a different light recently. She doesn’t scare or intimidate me anymore. In fact, I hold some affection toward her.

Snow talk

I know. There isn’t a lot of snow here, but I liked the color of the sky. It was WAY better in real life. I was out there in my pj’s and slippers.

Also, I don’t have a lot to say, but I convinced myself that it should be said anyway and that many of you would miss me if I neglected to post.

Most of all, I’m using this as a distraction. I don’t know what it is, but all of my children are being pretty rotten today. It wearies me. I have a 12 year old boy that acts like I’m the stupidest thing he’s laid eyes on in awhile. My 5 year old has to contradict everything. We went for a walk without enough layers on her because she refused to wear a warmer coat. Then there’s Sage and Dusty. There really isn’t much to say about them. They’re just being how they normally are, I guess.

We had a nice walk. Well, some of us did. Christopher told me that Ireland cried all the way home. I thought it was nice and refreshing.

Well, this five minutes has been well spent, I think. Now, I’ll go to the kitchen to do dishes until the brown rice is done. Then I’ll serve beans with brown rice. Half of my kids will complain…and one will very likely choose to not eat dinner.