In April 2008 I created this little book. I took it out of a box today and remembered why I made it.

I had to. 

I was in a deep dark place in my marriage. I had children with needs I didn’t know how to meet. (I still do, actually.) I could barely make it through each day. I felt so alone. Unloved. Misunderstood. Overwhelmed. Stupid. It was deep. It was dark. I felt like dying.

I made it while waiting for Traci and Tracy to come pick me up to go on our trip to Ashland we had planned. It was great. I felt light and free. We talked a lot, laughed a lot, walked a lot, ate a lot, and I found my favorite journals in a little shop down there.

I wrote a few thoughts down on post-it notes and attached them inside the pages.

Things that bring me joy: good friends, games, pictures, daffodils, crocus, sunsets, crayola crayons, baking bread, scrapbooking, reading…

I’m there again.

It’s deep. It’s dark, but not so dark as before. It’s hard. I feel alone, but not as alone as before. I am not without hope. It is hard to leave my little cave and face the world sometimes. Especially those in the world that don’t hold my heart and I’m not safe with. Or rather, I don’t feel safe with.

A theme has been re-occurring in my life recently. I read and I hear, “Please take care of you.” All day today I’ve been thinking of the baking of bread. It makes me really really happy. The mixing, kneading, rising, baking, and eating. The smell is divine. I imagine it magically washing away the problems of the day.

I know so much more about joy and happiness now. I know how they are not one in the same. I also know more about what makes me tick.

I’ve been unpacking boxes of art things: scrapbooks, fabrics, stamps, paper {oh the paper}, paints, chalks, inks, canvas, paper punches, various mediums of things that stick things together, and the like. I’ve also unpacked a whole heck of a lot of books. Book to read, to smell, to look at. I wonder where I’ll put them all. I’ve even purged over half of them. These are the ones I just cannot part with.

As I’ve unpacked these things my heart has been feeling more full. Almost ready to burst. I have always loved books and memories and creating these things. I think that brings me joy.

I must find something that brings me some sort of joy and relief from the day’s hard things.

Every day is really hard. Unbearingly hard. I don’t want to wake up any more. I can’t remember to eat and when I do eat I can’t remember if I have eaten.  Sometimes I can’t remember how to open a photo to edit it. Mind you, that I am having some software compatibility issues so it truly IS a battle.

But it’s all worth it. I believe that.

I’ll be starting a blog to journal and maybe encourage someone out there who also has children with reactive attachment disorder. I am just too tired to start that right now.

I have a child is so tragically broken. Her heart is shattered and it’s tearing all of us a part. The other kids are trying to hold it together, but there are small cracks forming. I am broken and weary and I have no husband to team up with me. I feel alone, though I know I’m not alone.

She is also beautiful. I remember the moment she was born. Once I laid eyes on her I couldn’t remember anything else. I cried. I cried out of the miracle of life that God had given to my neice. I cried knowing that their lives would be hard. I had no idea I would be the one to raise Dusty. I would take her hiking, camping, shopping, and and anything else I could do. Her curly black hair and button nose was enough to slay me. How did we get here?

How is this world so very broken? You know, there is a misconception of Christianity being preached, at least here in America. “Come to Jesus and it’ll be all better.” Can we just be honest here? Walking with Jesus is no cake walk. It is hard, but a hopeful sort of hard. We’re not alone.

Sometimes I feel very alone.

I have a kid who says I never listen to her when all I do is listen to her. She’s a broken record saying the same stuff over and over. In fact, I can’t hear my other kids. They’re talking to me, I’m looking at them, and she’s right next to me talking at me. I set the timer. Give her 5 full minutes to be heard. I do nothing else, but hear her. She’s done in 3. Then she still won’t stop. I’ve heard her, repeated back to her what she said, she confirms. She keeps talking for 2 more hours. NEVER.SAYING.ANYTHING.NEW.

I can’t figure out whether to feel discouraged or encouraged this morning. A friend said something to me that was so very encouraging and it made me cry. I have a friend who is so good about being level headed and asking me, “Have you tried…” when I text her telling her I’m going insane. I have another friend that joins me in my insanity with evening texts. I think she and I could laugh and cry like 2 long lost bi-polar friends. I have friends who are in this boat with me, some may not be here by choice, but they’re here nonetheless.

Yet. That word “yet”.

I read the pain of a friend and see it met with judgement from her friends. I hear of betrayal in other friendships when really kids, we need compassion, grace, mercy, love, and help. Pray for us. Get so involved in our lives that you get to see the ugly. The thing is that if you are not a huge part of our life you won’t see the ugly. You get to see the pretty side of RAD.  That’s the charming part.

Oh. I get ahead of myself here. So much I want to say.

I’ll leave with this one last thing.

Jesus paid all. 

This was my facebook status at 12:11 a.m.-

I simply cannot express to you how much joy it brings me to unpack boxes of books. My place is actually starting to feel like a home now. A house without books just can’t be a proper home! Hello feisty Anne Shirley and thieving Bilbo. Wisdom with the Millers and Robert Frost. Oh, my old friends. How I’ve missed you. Oh, where to begin. Oh yeah, we’re currently reading Treasure Island and a silly little kid chapter book that I can’t remember the name of.

I have loved reading my entire life. I can’t remember ever not having a book in my hand.

Remember those boxes I wrote about yesterday? Those boxes were, and some still are, full of books, scrapbooks, and scrapbooking supplies. I wasn’t looking forward to emptying them, but the moment I began I could feel my spirit lift.

“Oooh, what’s this one?” Oh yes, The Secret Garden. Then my eyes saw the Anne of Green Gables series and Little House on the Prairie and I began to feel as though I had come home. In my 2 months here I’ve been trying to make it home for my children and I. Selfishly, mostly for myself because my kids seemed to adapt pretty well. Little did I know that what I really needed was a several shelves of books and various stacks or baskets of them lying around.

Ahh, books…what a welcome escape from real life. I remember lying on my bed covered with a smurf bedspread surrounded in books. One of my greatest joys was getting a dictionary. I’m not joking. In fact, I miss having an actual great big dictionary. It was a picture dictionary; imagine my dismay when I realized that most dictionaries aren’t adorned with the colorful art of the 70′s.

I feel like a home devoid of books just isn’t a home. I love hearing my kids ask, “Can I read in bed for a little bit?” Sometimes I have to say no, but I try not to. Books whisk you off to a world unheard of and has the ability to grow you in wisdom. I remember reading of the antics of Anne Shirley when I was in highschool. I think I stayed in my house the entire weekend reading them. When I left to walk to school the following Monday I remember stopping in my tracks at the wonder of the great oak trees dancing gently in the wind. How did I never notice their beauty before? I had known them all my life and yet, I hadn’t really known them, had I?

Reading Little Women helps me to be a little more brave when facing hard times; looking to what we do have and knowing that we will all grow up ok. Anything by Edith Schaeffer helps me to see things a little more clearly. In fact, I think I’ll start reading one of her books tomorrow.

A friend asked me what Rest looks like to me. I didn’t know at first. That’s not to say that I was silent, my mouth was moving and making sounds. However, when I realized what it was for me I heard a change in my voice and a change in my body. I said that it would be to be alone in a place where I could curl up with a book, some tea, my journal, and a smooth writing pen. I would read and sleep and probably journal along the way. That makes me happy. Guess what? Tomorrow I’ll have about 5 hours to myself to do just that.

My phone will be off. My computers will be off. I will be invisible to the world while coming more real and alive inside.

A large part of my life these days consists of packing and/or unpacking boxes. Rearranging my life to fit into a small space. Turning book shelves into mini-pantries and now wondering where to put books. Mind you, I’ve gotten rid of tons of books, but it is very very important to me to have books around my house.

As I pack or unpack each box I battle with fear. I am losing the house I built with my husband and am currently renting living space from friends from church. I constantly wonder if I’m going to find myself and my children homeless. It happens. It’s recently happened to a couple of other single moms I know. I’m not immune to it.

One day at church my friend Cory came to me and said something about this move being like the Israelites following the pillar of fire. When it moved, they moved. He said this was me following the pillar. I know it can’t stay here forever, but the thought of moving again scares me.

Fear.

The opposite of Love.

Trust. My friend wrote about that recently and it seems to be a theme in my life. I’ve written about it here recently and I’m sure I’ve written about it several other times, as well. It’s a theme of my life. Maybe it’s a theme of everyone’s life.

Life has been turned upside down here in the Taylor household. I feel stretched very thin. I feel close to breaking, maybe even shattering. I’m trusting that God is my gorilla glue holding me together.

Filed under: Life, Project Me Tagged: 365, ME, trust ]]> http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2012/01/04/will-it-ever-end/feed/ 1 abandonedwill boxes http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/bring-it-on-2012/ http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/bring-it-on-2012/#comments Mon, 02 Jan 2012 09:18:26 +0000 abandonedwill http://simplydar.wordpress.com/?p=1159 ]]>

I wrote in my last post about my nephew being in a horrible car wreck leaving him with a traumatic brain injury. He has made incredible progress.

Let me rephrase that. The Lord has brought Levi so far in such a short amount of time. He is now awake, off the ventilator, and able to talk a bit. There are still a lot of concerns, but he is making a little progress each day. It feels like it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It is trying and tiring for my sister. I can’t be up at the hospital as much as I wish I could be. Please continue to pray for complete healing, not only physically, but in all of our hearts, too.

When the not-so-good news comes, it’s sometimes easy to forget the good news.

I’m putting one of my kids back into public school. That brings up all kinds of insecurities and fears in me, but I know it’s best.

Money is getting tighter by the moment. I’ve had quite a few unexpected expenses. Christmas is upon us and somehow I’ve created a child that seems to want all kinds of expensive things.

Today was rough. Had a bump in the road of our daily life. Not a huge bump.

Also received some bad news about the health of another young family member.

My Christmas tree has colored lights. Why on earth do I have colored lights? The kids love them. I do not. I also would be quite content without a tree, I do it for them.

A friend brought a present for each of my children and myself. I was surprised and honored. I’ve known her a few years, but not well. I only see her once or twice a year.

In some ways I miss my old house, but I know that I’m following where God is leading me.

You know, we get so caught up in paying the bills, laundry, dishes, cooking, dealing with the heart attitudes of our children, homeschooling (or not) that we forget what it’s all about. We rush about trying to do all the right things to make our lives or the lives of our family really good, but we miss the mark.

I lie in bed in the morning and the night praying about all the things that run through my head. All day I pray asking/telling Jesus, “You’re ALL I need. Really you are, right? Um, yeah, You’re it.” I pray for my kids and my money and the people I love around me. Brain injuries, broken hearts, dates at the recording studio, friends’ marriages, sick babies…it never ends.

He always has a plan.
What is His heart for this broken world?
That’s all I really want. His heart. I want to know it, I want to carry it, I want to not be too busy to listen.

My good friend, Lennox, wrote a song about this very thing. There are actually 2 versions of it. I have a definite favorite. I’ll let you decide which on you like better. Please, though, make sure you let him know which one. Buy the one you like the most. Both versions are fantastic.

The thing is, I guess I’m always looking for just the right time to hear God or be with God or be alone with Him when really I need to remember that I can always rest in Him. I need want someone who can just grab me by the shoulders, give me a good hug, then spin me around so I’m facing the Lord again. I don’t have that, though sometimes my kids do a pretty good job at pointing.

Sit For Awhile.
Clicking on the song title above will lead you to the song page.

Pray for my family. Pray for my kids.

A few weeks ago someone prayed for me and said that God was giving me an extra amount of peace. Things were going pretty smooth at that time. When he said that my eyes popped open and I thought, “Uh oh”. The good thing about hearing that is that now when one more thing gets piled onto what is already happening I can kinda set my stance and tell myself, “Well, I already have the peace to deal with this.”

What is the Lord doing in all of this? What will be the incredible story?

Filed under: Life Tagged: God, lennox fleary, Life, ME, music, trusting ]]> http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/12/09/resting-trusting-listening/feed/ 1 abandonedwill http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/11/29/levi/ http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/11/29/levi/#comments Tue, 29 Nov 2011 07:59:01 +0000 abandonedwill http://simplydar.wordpress.com/?p=1143 ]]> I’ve sat here for awhile wondering what to write. I haven’t much to say…and yet, I do.

*early Friday morning my nephew was in a car wreck that has left him brain damaged. The doctors aren’t sure of exactly what his recovery will look like. Outside of a miracle, Levi will need full care. (Picture removed at request of other family.)

Dear God,

You promise many things. Your word says that you faithful to complete the work you’ve begun in us and that your plans are good. Paul said that ALL things work together for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose. I love you and I’m called, right? James tells us to consider it pure joy when we face trials and tribulations. Pure joy? You promise to supply all our needs. You know all my needs. You know how much gas costs, how many lightbulbs I need, how much the plumber would be, and you even knew that my camera would break. You provide for all of those things.

Do you remember how you parted the Red Sea or how the wall of Jericho came tumbling down? I’ve read the stories of such great things. The sun stood still for an hour during a battle once. Those are all small things, right? Hannah pleaded with you to have a child and if You would give her one she’d give him to Your service once he was weaned. Samuel heard you as a young boy and served you all his days.

Remember your servant Abraham? The old guy that you promised a son to then told him to sacrifice that same son. He was going to do it, but you provided a ram for him instead.

Jesus, how many people did you raise from the dead when you walked this earth? The little girl and Lazarus were a couple. You made the blind to see and the lame to walk. You cast out legion into the swine. You do amazing things.

Is it too much to ask for my nephew? I don’t know what I can bring you. I don’t know what to say or how to pray. I believe You are good and I believe you still do miracles. I also believe that sometimes we don’t see the miracles. I want to see this one. I want to be part of this one. Not for me, but for my nephew and for the lives of my family.

This is my youngest nephew. He’s the first baby that grabbed hold of my heart strings. I remember holding him when he was newborn and wondering how it was possible for a baby to be so little. I was afraid to hold him. I was 15 and I was such a proud auntie. I was an auntie before, but I was only 4 and 6 when the others were born. We grew up more like siblings…that is to say, that I was a mean big sister who made up all the rules. I was different with Levi. I’d give him the world. He used to come over all the time when he was young and his mama worked. We’d go camping, that’s how we discovered he is allergic to wool. Poor kid spent a weekend coughing due to the wool blankets, but darn it, he was warm.

We’ve grown apart in the past few years. There was a lot of hurt and brokenness in my family and we didn’t know how to move past it very well. And now here we are all sitting in the waiting room at OHSU laughing and crying and having some awkward moments.

Healing. Complete physical healing. That’s what I’m asking of You, but that’s not all. I’m asking for heart healing, whatever that looks like. Yes, I am well aware that I don’t really know what that looks like or how hard that will be, but I do know this. I know that my eldest son recently lamented the fact that he does not have a good godly family inheritance. It starts with me and with him and with the rest of the people in this family. It is time for healing. It is past time for such a thing so let’s get on with it already.

So Father, in your mercy and kindness, I ask for all this healing. I believe you can do it. Please do. Just imagine how You will be glorified.

This is my heart. I don’t know how to pray the right way or the beautiful way. I only know my way.

I love you.

Amen.

I dreamt of all kinds of things. It seems I was moving out of a big house, but that everyone else was moving out first. It wasn’t just me and my kids. It was many of my closest friends. We were all moving on. It was a happy sort of sad feeling. I remember sitting in one of the rooms just taking in the smells and wondering why a guitar was balanced on top of a pile of clothes. I was wondering if I would remember the things that move my heart or would they just get buried in the busyness of the next phase of my life.

I worry about being too busy and yet not doing enough. It’s all about planning and priorities and making sure I hold true to the things that are most important to me.

I also thought about hard things. The choices we make. Where we live, who we live with, who we love, and those we used to love. The joys and the heartaches of all of those choices. Navigating parenthood trying not to be a controlling bully while teaching my children the power of their choices. The other day I told them that I am for them and that I only want to protect their hearts and help them from making foolish choices. They don’t understand, I think.

I have wedding on my mind. I’m gearing up for a December 3rd shoot of a lovely friend of mine. I can’t tell you how excited I am for  this shoot. I’m expecting great things here.

I’ve lived a week without water in the house I’m currently in so I went back to my old house to shower, eat, and clean stuff there. It doesn’t have heat. I am so thankful to have running water again in the same house that has heat. Such small things, but man, does it make me feel wealthy.

Money. It’s a feels like a dance between being a good manager and dodging the unexpected or being ready for them. It has been trying and disappointing at times, yet in the midst of it all I have been at peace. I’ve been disappointed, but not panicked. I know God is good and I’m expecting good things. That doesn’t mean I’m expecting that I’ll get whatever I want, it’s just that I know He’s on my side and even if I don’t see the goodness, it’s always there.

I do see His goodness.

Some people have told me that I have a hard life, but don’t we all? I mean, aren’t we all being challenged?

Sage is my only child home with me today. I love that boy. The other day Christopher told me how much he loves Sage, too, and how he’s afraid that Sage will lose his cuteness.

I’ve been thinking about all these heart aches and troubles along with the dreams and desires. It’s package deal. Accomplishing dreams don’t mean much if we don’t work for them. Trusting Jesus isn’t as sweet if we don’t have trials to trust that. We miss out on his everyday gifts to us, I think.

I am content. I might even be happy. Things are not perfect. Things have broken and cost me more money. My heart…well, I was going to say it ached, but it really doesn’t. That’s nice. Really nice, in fact. It’s also not sad or angry. I’m still alone, but that’s okay. By alone, I mean without a husband to call my own.

I was lying on my bed this morning. (I’m now sitting, thank you very much.) When I heard myself saying, “Ok Lord, whatever You have for me I gladly accept. I can take it.” Um what???? And all I was picturing was little Mary, mother of Jesus, standing before the Angel of the Lord having a conversation with him. She says, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” I’ve often wondered why she was chosen. I used to imagine her as this quiet, pure, young woman. She was those things, but I imagine that there was an inner strength about her. I can’t imagine what I would feel if I were pregnant now and had to bear the judgements of those around me. To be in her place would feel unbearable at times. Who would believe you? It was an outrageous claim to be carrying the Son of God. A quiet strength. I think that’s what she held.

Yesterday someone observed that I’ve changed so much in the past few years. I didn’t respond, but my first thought was, “Well, I would hope so.” Then when I woke up this morning I actually felt changed. Sometimes I do wonder and I’ll send out an email or text to a friend or two asking if them if I ever change. Today I awoke feeling calm and focused. Thoughts are bouncing, but nothing is swirling. I think thoughts bounce and emotions swirl. Can I just tell you how nice it is to not have swirling emotions??? Can I get an Amen, sisters????

There is a lot of change in my life and I’ve always said that I don’t deal well with change, but I think the Lord has changed that. I think I’m doing quite well.

Well, I reckon it’s time to end my snuggling bed time. I have the cat and dog on my bed while listening to a clip from the E.T. soundtrack.

Thanks for tuning in to my Saturday Morning Ping Pong Thoughts post!

Filed under: Life Tagged: ping pong, ramblings, randomness, thoughts ]]> http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/11/19/ping-pong-thinking/feed/ 1 abandonedwill http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/month-of-thanks/ http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/month-of-thanks/#comments Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:52:39 +0000 abandonedwill http://simplydar.wordpress.com/?p=1132 ]]> No thanks. I’m not gonna post a thing a day via blog or FB of something I’m thankful for. I should. I’m just not up to the task, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about it. I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks now. Mostly, I’ve been thinking of things I used to do with Christopher to foster a grateful heart compared to what I currently do with my kids.

One year we made construction paper turkeys with multi-colored feathers. On each feather we wrote something he was thankful for. Other years we’ve done a tree of thanks where the leaves are the things we’re thankful for. I like that one the best.

Last December I wrote a post about the beginning of my 1000 Gifts. I read Ann’s book about a dare to live life FULLY right where I am. How does one do that? There’s no formula to it, my friends. We don’t have to sit around to talk about how to go about it. We just do it. We see, we hear, we feel, we live. Oh, and maybe we talk less.

This morning I talked to Christopher and Dusty about keeping our minds focused on God. We listen to music that draws us to Him. We speak words that bring glory to Him and honor one another. Mostly, we praise Him. I told them that we give thanks in ALL things.

I went upstairs and got to thinking.

Then I took out my gratitude journal and cringed when I realized that in the past 11 months I’ve only written down a little over 100 things to be thankful for. Really? That’s all? Have I not been seeing? Instead of praying for the things that I know God has already blessed me with I’m praying that my eyes would be opened to see Him. While I’ll let Him do the work of opening my eyes, I’ll turn my eyes to Him.

Sometimes when I’m feeling scared due to financial challenges I’ll remind myself of all the ways God has provided for me before. I remember best the ones that I have written down somewhere. I tell people about them and see the wonder in their eyes and remember that our God is a wondrous God; that He loves giving good gifts. Part of me quits asking because I know He’ll provide for me. Part of me quits asking because I’m tired of being the most high maintenance person in the world. I’m always needing or wanting something! Then, another part of me asks because if I don’t, I’ll never know and it’s not just me I’m asking for anymore. It’s my children and the people around me.

Ok, so maybe I will be writing down something I’m thankful for each day. I’ll search for it and wait expectantly for the next gift to come along. I love the simple ones the best.  Like the color of the dark grey sky against the yellowing field when the late afternoon golden sun peeks out for only a moment.

Filed under: 1000 Gifts Tagged: 1000 gifts, gratitude, Life, thankfulness ]]> http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/month-of-thanks/feed/ 2 abandonedwill cloudyspringsun http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/stir-it-up/ http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/stir-it-up/#comments Mon, 07 Nov 2011 18:15:09 +0000 abandonedwill http://simplydar.wordpress.com/?p=1130 ]]> My kids love to stir things, or at least they used to. I remember being young and full of wonder. Stirring things is fun. You stir your ice cream and you get a milk shake. You stir flour, sugar, oil, eggs, vanilla, and water; you get a yellow cake. Yum. You stir dirt and water and you get mud. Not yummy, but still fun as long as you’re  not the one is charge of cleaning it all up.

If you stir water in a bowl fast enough it’ll creep up the edges while the middle dips down. Even when you stop stirring the water keeps going. That’s  momentum at work right there.

I feel stirred up and words can’t express it. Actually, they can. I have a lot to say. I wanted to say something last night at church, but I couldn’t. Why? Is it because I’m a chicken? Or is it that I don’t actually trust the people in my community enough to bear my heart to them. I want to. Really, I do. I have 1 or 2 people I can do that with. I used to have more, well that’s not true. I still have them, they are still mine, I just don’t have access to them as easily.

I keep wondering what the church is supposed to look like? How do we live and love and BE family? I don’t know what that is.

We talk about covenant and belonging and I wonder if people are serious. I’ve asked before and I was pretty hurt by the response I received. Last night I realized that it’s time to forgive that offense. Past time, really.

There is a lot of good discussion happening on Sunday evenings at Open Door. I feel very much like a spectator. Mostly because I’m afraid of getting in the mix. What if it’s messy? Will it be worth it? Can I calculate my way in or out of a situation? Are these people serious? I stood up so I could see the whole group. I wanted to see the faces. I wanted to see the reactions when people spoke. The more people talked the more I wanted to either retreat or yell out everything I was feeling. I just stayed quiet.

Oh man, so many thoughts right now.

I wanted to look around to see who I really wanted to build something with. There are 2 women in that group that I want to go up to, point at them saying, “I want to belong to you and I want you to belong to me. I want to walk through the oasis and the desert with you and I want you to do the same.” One of them I’ve known for almost as long as Christopher has been alive.

As I looked around the room of 20 or so people I found one friend that I believe would walk through fire with me. He’s a friend I didn’t expect. He came into my family when we were hurting the most and loved us all right where we were. I was probably about to graduate from high school when he was born. I didn’t expect him to really be a friend, but he is. He’s passionate and he’s real.

This walking with Jesus actually takes some work, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s work, but then again…it’s all about laying it all down. You move forward by being still. You trust by not fighting anymore. Take a deep breath and stand.

Be still and know that He is God.

Bear with me. I have more thoughts.

We talked a bit about inheritance last night; about what has been passed onto us and what we are passing on to the generations after us. I couldn’t think of what was passed onto me by my family concerning my walk with God.

Then it hit me.

The lie I’ve been carrying around all these years isn’t mine alone. It was my dad’s before it was mine.

I remember a summer evening about 12 years ago. My dad was very sick. He came to live with me when all he could do was feed himself. I had to do everything else. He slept with his bed rails up so he wouldn’t fall out of bed. Christopher was in his own bed and decided he wanted to ask my dad a question. He ran out of his room, climbed onto my dad’s bed, and said in his almost-3-year-old voice, “Baba, why you no love Jesus? He loves you. The Bible says so.” After I translated my dad looked at me with tears in his eyes, nervously rubbed his balding head, and said, “Oh honey, he could never love someone like me. I’ve done terrible things. I couldn’t be good enough.” I just cried and tried to convince him of otherwise. I didn’t know that was something I believed about myself, too.

A year or so ago I started reading a book about lies we believe about ourselves. I asked God what was the deepest lie I believe that affects not only me, but my children. My next thought was, “I’m not good enough.” I know my children often feel like they’re not quite good enough, either.

I wonder, what am I passing onto these children? Will they stand on my shoulders? Will it be an advantage to stand on my shoulders?

Filed under: changes, Life Tagged: belonging, covenant, Life, ME, stirring ]]> http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/stir-it-up/feed/ 4 abandonedwill