First Day of School

It happened last week and it occurs to me now that maybe I should’ve taken a picture of Christopher on the couch in his pajamas. That’s what school at home looks like around here. I prefer that we both get up and get dressed, but that doesn’t always happen and I’m chill with that. Our school year has begun, commenced, taken off before I was ready. I know that I had all summer to get used to the idea of school coming around again. My heart felt torn. I’m ready for schedules and routines and some break from my kids, but not quite ready for them to be gone away from me and our rhythm of summer. Our brain exercises have hardly been done and our afterschool routine isn’t quite set into place yet. Overall, though, things are going quite smoothly. Each week, I’m trying to implement a little more into our routine.

I don’t have much to say these days so I’ll leave you with the obligatory first day of school pictures of the younger 3. I’ll have to take one of Christopher and title it: First Week or Two of School.

Dusty: 13, 8th grade

Sage: 11, 5th grade

Ireland: 8, 3rd grade

Monday Thoughts and Life

Four times a week I head down to my church with a few other ladies to exercise. It was my idea. Several times when I’ve struggled, I’ve wondered why I ever suggested such a thing. I must be crazy. After I finished my 1/2 marathon a couple of years ago I told my sister-in-law that it was a stupid idea and to never make me do it again. She laughed saying, “It was your idea”. I do this. I think, “Hey, this is a great idea and it’ll keep me accountable.” It sounds great until I’m struggling to breathe or get my feet off the floor for a jumping jack. Sweat drips down my forehead burning my eyes and all I can think is, “I HATE EXERCISING!!!!! These girls are not carrying around an extra 130 lbs !!! That’s a whole person!!!! But then I get through it and I’m fine. Actually, we’re not doing Jillian Michaels anymore and that’s the only time I felt that. The one we’re doing now is hard, but not that hard. 

Anyway, I had taken a pretty long break. I was sick for so long, but before that it was hit and miss because I was busy. I went back today expecting to not be able to make it through the entire video. Guess what? I made it. I was dripping sweat like nobody’s business and couldn’t speak in full sentences, but I made it. I didn’t do most of the easier modifications, either. The ones I did do were because something is wrong with my feet and I physically can’t do them. Yay for me. I even put a gold sticker on my calendar for that.

Summer feels like it’s coming to an end. My kids have 2 weeks of summer school that started today. It’s not for remedial help, though I have some who need that, it’s supposed to be a couple of weeks of science fun! I felt a little like I was betraying my “good Christian” roots by enjoying the fact that they were at school. I’m almost over feeling inferior to real homeschoolers, but not quite. Christopher was working so I was completely child free for several hours.

That gave me time to think. I realized quite a few things today. 

• I have to say, I love these bullet point things. It looks so organized even if it isn’t.
• This summer is WAY easier and peaceful than last summer. Last summer I felt very alone. Days were really hard. Sage was raging almost daily. I was depressed and desperate.
• I was full of fear. 
• I have grown so much. I understand myself more which helps me understand my kids more. But it’s a circle. The more I learn about them and their challenges, the more I learn about me. 
• I understand who I am to God. It’s deeper than it was. Last year I would’ve said all the right things, but this year I believe them.
• I am stronger in so many ways. I can speak the truth even when it’s hard. 
• I recently wrote a difficult email to someone. I didn’t want to, but I had to for the healing of my family. 
• I’m more daring. 
• I’m more choosy. I choose more carefully the kind of things I jump into. (Though I still am too busy.)
• I don’t worry so much about what people think. 

I realize that most of this is about me, but I’m ok with that. I think that’s where the change begins, anyway. I sought out help for my kids and I. We have an additional therapist. I plan on seeking more help for one of my kids. I’m learning to be more honest with people and if what I say is too hard, then I’m ok with that. This life right now is about protecting and finding healing for my kids’ hurts. 

I’m in a battle, YO! If you can’t get on board and do all these crazy things that feel so backward but brings healing to my kids then I can’t be bothered with you right now. 

Harsh?

I am tired still, but I think that’s ok. Last year I was exhausted and exasperated. This year I can keep going. I am tired because being proactive and on guard all the time is hard work. I’m always looking for potential triggers or obstacles. Sometimes I try to cut them off before they happen, other times I just watch it all unfold. 

I realized that today that my little Ireland that many think is so perfect actually has a victim mentality. Summer with her has been alright. Earlier this year I started having some concerns about her concerning her past. There were just little things, but mostly a feeling. When I mentioned it to one therapist she said, “I think you’re right.” Then later when I brought her to a group therapy with another therapist that one paused, looked at me and said, “Do you want to start bringing Ireland?” Um yeah, if you ask me that, then I sure do. So, Ireland went to school today and I get a phone call later in the day telling me of some undesirable behavior. When I ask Ireland about it her answers were, “Well, everybody [blah blah blah]” and “Well, nobody would let me [blah blah blah].” I’m beginning to see what we need to work on here. Oy vey. 

Well, I think my thoughts for the general public are about done here. These are the ones that I could actually form into sentences and paragraphs. The others are just partials. I imagine my thoughts as though each one resides on its own piece of broken glass. Sometimes they just float through the space of my mind; other times they form into something sort of beautiful. 

 

 

27 – Parenting & Other Rants

Frankly, I pretty much feel like the worst parent in the world. I’m not beating them or starving them or living in a filthy pig sty sort of home.

I had parent teacher conferences for two of my kids. Sad news. Behavior issues in both of them.

I have two kids at home that seem to think I’m out to take away all their freedoms like ipod and computer time.

Isn’t parenting supposed to be a team sport? This frickin’ sucks, man. I don’t have anyone in my home to back me up.

I see why women get remarried so quickly. They’re fighting an uphill battle on a slippery slope with their kids and desperately need some back up. Oh, but not this gal. No, I seem to think that I can do it on my own. Not to mention that I’m not even divorced. Why is that, anyway? Lack of money? Fear that divorce really isn’t the answer? Fear that it is? Isn’t marriage a covenant? Didn’t I pledge my life to him? Isn’t it ’til death we do part? Dude, next time I’m putting in a clause that says, “’til death we do part or you have an affair”.

It’s hard to walk with God. Being a Christian is hard work. Sometimes I wish I was one of those Christians that knew how to cry in all the right places, went to church when the doors opened, but went home and looked like a normal American family. Living life and doing whatever I stinking pleased.

That’s not how it works, is it?

Once you know the Truth you can’t UN-know it.

Dang it.

I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to properly parent my children so they are successful, happy, righteous living, kingdom moving, compassionate, and loving adults. I know they’re kids and their selfish. It’s called sin nature. They’re not born full of good. We know that.

There has to be something better than this. There has to be a way for my family to really be a family; to love one another and at least prefer someone over themselves. There has got to be some determination in them somewhere, doesn’t there?

Nobody seems to have the answers. Where are all the people who have gone before me and struggled? I don’t seem to know anyone who has struggled through. They all seem to have had a good time.

Sigh.

I have laundry to fold and chin hairs to pluck.
I’m getting up early for crossfit again. Woohoo. Day 6 here I come.

Thanks

Thank you Erika for feeding my family last night. We all appreciate it so much. Oh, and thank you for the ride home.

My car is broken. It wouldn’t start yesterday. My friend, Angie, is letting me borrow her car today and tomorrow to get to school. Don’t know what to do after that. I have things that need to be done when you have a family. Groceries, kid stuff, general errands,  you know what I mean. Kelly’s mom is coming over on Saturday and I should have some food to add to what she is bringing. I don’t know how I’m going to fix my car.

Trust. Always trust.

The Bible says that we have not because we ask not. So, I will ask. It is said that He gives good gifts. I don’t know if I should just ask Him and then let it be or if I should tell others what my needs are. If I do am I being a beggar. If I don’t, am I being proud. I really don’t know.

I am behind in Japanese and web-design class. Funny thing, the teachers to those classes are married to each other and live here in Sheridan.

It’s go time. My Ireland is up. It’s time to wake the others, get dressed for school, pack my bag, and have a quick Bible reading and prayer time with the kids.

Ireland just asked, “Is it the morning? Why is it dark, mama?” Indeed, young one, we should all be sleeping!

Fall is Here

Fall is here.

The crispy cool morning air and the bright warm afternoons take me back to my highschool days. One in particular comes to mind. I was wearing a long dress with gold buttons. The background of the dress was black with a floral pattern, but not a bright spring floral pattern. The were muted jewel tones. I loved that dress. On my feet were incredibly uncomfortable boots and on my head was 1/2 a can of AquaNet hair spray. In my bag, or purse the size of a bag, was a jar of black ink and my fountain pen. I was feeling good. I remember wanting to preserve that moment forever. The smell, the cold morning, the bright sun, the chirping birds, the rustling of the leaves overhead, and the incredible sense of being at peace was something I wanted to pour into a glass bottle so I could set it on my shelf and immediately recall that moment.

Fall is here.

The anticipation of how much money my dad would give me for school clothes was exhilarating. I’d mall hop with my youth group leader/very good friend, Teresa. I must find the perfect hypercolor socks to go with my hypercolor t-shirt. Oh, and yes, I’ll take those striped tights and big hoop earrings. What would I wear for the first day of school? I hope nobody else has the same outfit. I had a favorite outfit my senior year. Red A-line shirt,floral leggings, black trouser socks, penny loafer type shoes, and a wide red headband to match. I wore that outfit on the first day of school…so did another girl. A really cute freshman. I couldn’t believe it!

Fall is here.

I love the smell of fresh crayola crayons, don’t you? Sharp new pencils and the coolest of all pens were the highlight of my school supplies. Oooh, and I love to organize binders. I can’t seem to KEEP them organized, but I love putting them together.

Fall is here.

Homework. Can’t say that homework is one of my fondest memories. I didn’t do a whole lot of my own homework. I loved Algebra. I loved my college prep English class, except for the fact that we had to actually share our work with our peers. I loved my friends. I loved the social aspect of high school.

Now I’m in college. I won’t be the socially savvy club leading student I was in the early 90’s. I’m wondering if I’ll even get to know my classmates. This experience will be like no other.

I’m supposed to be writing a few paragraphs about my writing process. I’m not sure how to start that since I really just write for my blog and my journal. My blog isn’t always something I put a lot of thought into. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. It really matters how I’m feeling that day and if I have anything important to say. I compile blog subjects in my mind. I don’t often get them onto paper, real or otherwise. I’d like to change that. I think that my writing process will have to change as I’m learning to write for a college course, but I’m pretty sure it will start out much like my blogs. I’ll think about it as I do dishes, fold laundry, and do other necessary tasks of my day. Then I’ll sit down and free write all I think I want to say. Then I’ll panic and wonder if I even know how to write complete sentences and proper paragraphs. I’ll try to fit a semicolon in here or there. (I now know how they’re used thanks to my WR121 instructor!)

Fall is here.

And soon I will be in love with with the red and golden leaves blanketing the streets like a welcome home carpet.