*I began this post on Tuesday. It is now Friday. My brain is SO slow.
Almost every day I’m asked, “How do you do it all? Four kids, a job, and now college? Wow!” People want the nitty-gritty details of my life. They want to know how “super mom” does it. Well, I wouldn’t know.
At this moment, I am utterly exhausted. My arms are as heavy as tree trunks. My eyes are red. Tears and snot pour out of my face like fountains. My sobs deepen with each screech of my children’s voices. I can no longer move.
I’m not sure where the breaking point was, exactly. Was it the fact that I know I’m not doing as well as I need to in my college courses? Or perhaps the text I received a few minutes ago asking me to work the NOC shift tonight. Maybe it’s just the burden of guilt and high expectations I carry on my back.
I don’t do it all. In fact, I don’t do enough of it.
My kids need more of me. My work needs more of me. I know for a fact that one of my friends is feeling quite neglected by me. My schooling needs more of me. I hear that I need to do more for myself, too. So I guess I need more of me.
I submitted an essay for my class today. It was due on Monday. The final draft is due next Monday. It was a weak piece. I am not quite the writer I thought I was, or at least thought I could be. In fact, I pretty much suck in my class. It is awfully embarrassing. It is enough to make me want to end this blogging thing, to never write publicly again.
This schooling thing is going to take more of me that I think I can give. I didn’t do well in high school. I envied those girls that played in band, ran in track, acted in plays, and still managed to get good grades. I wanted to be in the smart club, but I wasn’t one of them. It isn’t as if they purposely excluded me. I just didn’t fit in with them very well.
I spend hours staring at my computer screen in frustration. It isn’t just frustration over my classes, though. I see my blog needs updating. (You know, then one I’m never writing on again.) My banking account is in the red, or at least it was yesterday before I got paid. My to do list doesn’t have much of it marked off. My menu plan isn’t a plan. There are many photos waiting to be organized, edited, and enjoyed.
I think I need chocolate and a nap. Neither one helps me manage my time better, but they do help me forget about all the other things vying for my attention.
My desktop, my real wooden one, fills up with kindergarten papers, bills, pens, and other miscellany. The other night I was determined to clean my room. I spent an hour and a half folding laundry. After it was put away, I grabbed 2 boxes and swept everything off my desk into them. Ha! Now my desktop is clean! The point is that I needed it clean so that I could take things out of the box and put them where they belong. It all belongs on my desk somewhere other than the huge pile it was in. Today I am determined to keep my desk clean.
This week I learned to focus on three things. That means hundreds of other things didn’t get done. I focused on one day at a time for 2 whole days. Next week I’ll try to figure out how to look a little further out. What is that saying, again? “Fail to plan means you plan to fail.”
All is not so terrible, though. I have a friend helping me to not panic. He patiently asked questions to which I answered through tears, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I JUST KNOW I NEED TO DO MORE AND TO BE MORE!” What I really want is for someone to sit down and say, “Here’s exactly what you need to do every day of every week.” It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon. I am, unfortunately, completely in charge of my own self.