I totally stole that title from my one of my very favorite people, Cathy Zielske. She’s a hilarious scrapbooking graphic designing wife, mom, and lover of dogs not her own. She recently wrote a post titled “Tales From The Scales: Reloaded“. I found myself identifying with her on so many levels. Without knowing it she and I were beginning to take the same steps toward the same goal. For instance, the day before she posted that entry I had bought myself a new pair of workout shoes to go along with my new membership to the local gym. After reading her blog, I joined her in signing up for Weight Watchers online. I don’t have time for the meetings, but I like the concept of Weight Watchers. I also like perhaps I can find encouragement from total strangers that are struggling in the same way that I am. I don’t have many fat friends and I don’t know that any of those friends are in a place where they want jump on board with me. I need the encouragement.

Christopher took a before picture of me that I guess I’ll  post here so that in several months I can look back and think, “Oh my gosh, how did I let myself get there!?!” Then again, there’s this huge risk. I’ve made myself all public about this before and I’ve failed miserably. Everyone watched me lose weight. They were so encouraging at the gym and church. I was always being praised. One guy once told me, “Oh Dar Dar, you’ll be so beautiful when you lose weight. I can’t wait to see your cheekbones.” Then the weight starts coming back. What do people say then? Nobody knows what to say, so nothing is said. Then I am embarrassed and ashamed.

Maybe I should mention that I’ve been watching the 8th season of The Biggest Loser. I know that the results are extreme, but still, isn’t it inspiring? These people can’t even walk a mile on the first day without feeling like they’re going to die. A few of them end up running a marathon 12 weeks later. That’s pretty impressive. That’s life-changing. If they can accomplish that, they can accomplish anything, right?

I lost 47 lb. when I did the Biggest Loser contest at Cindy’s gym. Then something happened. Something broke in me and I decided it wasn’t worth it. It really didn’t matter. Losing weight is hard and it wouldn’t save my marriage. So, I started eating to cover the pain. Then my marriage ended. I’d stop eating for awhile. I traded eating for sleeping. Sleeping takes less energy than eating. Then I’d eat and eat and eat. So, I’d gain and gain. I gained until I was right back to where I started in the first place. I thought I’d die. I wanted to die.

Over the course of the past year and a half my health has gone downhill. I don’t sleep through the night. I wake up coughing and throwing up. I can barely eat or drink without throwing up. It’s quite discouraging. I’m always feeling sick. Yet, there is good news. I mentioned in an earlier post that I am going to a doctor. I started seeing results after the first day of taking my supplements. I was able to sleep uninterrupted by coughing and vomiting. Then a week later, I hit a hard spot. I accidentally ate something with oats in it. Everything was messed up for about 4-5 days. I couldn’t eat or drink and I couldn’t sleep. Then I ended up with a migraine that lasted for several days. Finally, or at least I think it’s finally, I came down with this huge sinus headache cold that had wiped me out for three full days. I was feeling greatly discouraged. However, yesterday is the first day in probably over a year that I haven’t thrown up after eating or drinking. Also, I slept all through the night except for dealing with a dog and cat, but it wasn’t because I was waking up by vomiting. That is huge. Gigantic. Gargantuan. I am still very tired, but I’m still getting over this sinus thing.

At this moment, I am hopeful.

Monday is my weigh in day. I’m hoping that will help me to not binge on the weekends which is what happens if I set my weigh in day to Friday or Saturday. Anyway, I will be designing my workout and planning my meals again. Weighing, measuring, counting, oh my. Although, I am not going to be so obvious of vocal about it because Dusty is watching and has started doing weird things concerning food. My family doesn’t realize it, but their meals will change, too. Sage already complains about eating salad. Oh what fun this will be!

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. My before picture taken by  Christopher. My starting weight that morning (1/18/10) 235.6, but I’m rounding up to 236. That put me at 15 lbs. over what I was when I ended boot camp at the gym. That doesn’t sound too bad, but I am terribly out of shape now. I was strong back then.

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