I’m really supposed to be sleeping, but my body has something else in mind for me. I don’t know how that is happening! I was lying on the couch watching The Notebook. The movie gets over, I lie in the same EXACT position to go to sleep and what happens? I start coughing and coughing and coughing for over an hour. So, I decide to get up to take a shower. My head hurts by this time from all the coughing. I do plan on going to church in the morning. I mean, what else am I going to do all alone at home? I guess I could find episodes of Whose Line is it Anyway? That always makes me laugh. I’d rather go to church, though. 

My thinking is much clearer today than it was during my last post. I think it really helps being able to have fluids again. It had been 6 days without fluids. I imagine that some of the fluid dripped down into my stomach, but not most of it. Eating is a challenge. It doesn’t always go well. I go into the hospital early Monday morning for some sort of procedure. Not exactly sure what it is. The hospital called me to remind me of the appointment. I asked the nurse what it was for and she wasn’t really sure either. She said she thought something was going to be put in me to monitor something for 24 hours. I guess I’ll find out on Monday. Then on Wednesday I go up to OHSU to meet with a surgeon. I wonder if we’ll schedule my surgery then. I hope it’s after Aaron is here. 

Am I obsessing about the whole Aaron Beaumont thing? I mean, it’s not like he’ll never be around again or that I’ll never see him in Hollywood. I do have friends there now. He and I have many mutual friends. Actually, they’re more his friends than mine since some of them I’ve only met once, if at all. Oh sigh. I just want to hear a normal show from him. Am I asking too much? Anyway, if I have any say in the timing of the surgery I’m going to plan it for the week after he’s here. It’s not like I’ll die if I don’t have it done in the next few days, right?

I’m having computer issues that are messing with my ability to edit photos. I’m very frustrated by that. I can’t deal with it right now, though. Ugh.

I just sent my boy off to Mexico. My big Christopher. I heard the van was broken down in San Diego. I’ve not heard an update from that. I’m sure all is well. I’ll hear if something terrible happens, I’m sure. I hope he has fun and comes back browner. I also hope he has more of a heart for Jesus. 

I think I’m at the point where I need to know what people are expecting of me because I just plain don’t know. Someone questions my mothering. What are they expecting from me? I know I’m not a great mom. I do know I’m a single and worn out mom and sometimes I don’t try very hard. What I really want to know is what good mothering looks like to the outside world. How do I know what to do if I’m not told what is expected. I am being watched, apparently. I feel like my character is being judged by my friends. Will I ever be good enough to live up to the standards set before me? I haven’t been good enough so far.

A couple of friends were talking about friendship is today. One of them was asking if she needed to pursue friendships. She’s pretty comfortable with her life in her home. Does being a good friend take time? Who has time for that? She has a husband and children and those things fulfill her time and that’s where she loves to be. I didn’t contribute to the conversation. I didn’t have anything to say. I would have said that yes, time is important. Isn’t that why we used to spend time together as families? Because our families and our friendships are important to us? Am I less of a mother because I so desperately crave female friendship. Yet, I’m also wary of such friendships. They are definitely work and what if they see the real me?