I think today should be Bedroom Boot Camp for my kids. Every single time they get dressed they complain that they can’t find anything to wear. Oh my poor children! How my heart bleeds for them. Guess what? I’ve quit reminding them to put their clothes in the hamper. They’re all old enough to know to do that. My 10  year old is the worst of them. Christopher was never like that. Sure, he has his problems, but being clean has never been an issue. Tell me, why wouldn’t  you want your clothes to get washed? It’s so frustrating. Christopher and I are not the tidiest of all creatures, but what makes the younger 3 kids huge destroyers of anything nice and clean. It’s frustrating.

Every morning Ireland asks me, “Is there school tomorrow?” When I tell her no she replies, “Wow, it’s a long time with no school.” Yes dear, it’s Spring Break. That means no school. Then there’s Dusty who sits next to me staring at me. That’s it. Just staring. I have to tell her to go do something fun. Sage, he’s easy. He just plays or torments his sisters. Then there’s my missing Christopher. I have no idea how he’s doing. I heard the Mandate van broke down in San Diego, but didn’t hear an  update from that. I’m sure it’s all good. I’m not worried, but I certainly miss my big boy. I mostly miss him at night when the younger ones go to bed and I’m all alone.

I’m taking a break from school this next term. I keep wanting to rush over and register, but I know I really shouldn’t. I don’t know for sure when this surgery will happen and I’ll need time to recover. I had already decided I need to just focus on my health. It will be a strange thing for me to just focus on my home and health. I won’t have a job and I won’t have school to distract me. I will have tons of bills piling up and that’s enough to drive me insane, but I don’t have time for a visit to the mental institution. (Though I see they are doing some remodeling. It may turn out to be quite nice.) My mothering skills are in question so it’ll be a good time to focus on those. I’m really good at mothering little kids, but I think things start to fall apart when they’re about 3.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Maybe I’m just paranoid these days. Maybe starvation does that to you. I don’t know. I feel like every aspect of my life is being watched and assumptions made about my skills. Today I feel like I need to get every area of my life in order so that I have proof of what I’m doing each day with each resource. Sigh.

I’m not very chipper, am I? I have been so hurt lately.

This is me being honest with all of you. This is me going through the fire. My body is breaking down. My spirit is breaking down. All of me is breaking down. All I know is that one day I will look back on these days and say, “Oh yeah, it was hard, but God is good and look at all the blessings that came through all that.” That’s hope. That’s faith. Like a mustard seed. Sometimes I cling to that mustard seed like my life depends on it. Not only my life, but the life of my children. I don’t have much of a vision for me, but  I have a definite vision of what I want for my children. It also involves me clinging to the mustard seed of faith.

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