I try to roll over sometime in the middle of the night to find I am wedged between my big puppy and my youngest daughter. I say in surprise, “Oh Ireland? Again.” She groggily replies, “Yes, cuz I miss you. You do photoshoots and I go to school.” Thanks kid. Does she get that from me? That ability to hit you where it hurts when you’re the most vulnerable.

The alarm goes off at 5:15 a.m.
Me: Ireland! Grab my phone! Turn that alarm off!
Ireland: *groan
Me: Hey! Hello! Ugh!
[shove cute little blonde girl she groans and grabs the phone]
I reset the alarm so I can snuggle my girl. I still end up waking the girls up late and telling them to, “hurry, hurry, hurry”.

Christopher comes to my bed for his daily cuddle. I soon kick him out so he can deal with the dog, eat, and do school. Besides that, I’m planning on getting up right away, showering, and taking the bull by the horns. Yup. That’s the plan, but first, I think I’ll write in my journal.

I didn’t get much written. I think I just wrote the heading which always consists of the day of the week, the date, and the time. I do that. So today the first line would be, “Friday-April 30, 2010-11:01 AM”. I don’t know why I do that, but I’ve done it for years. I used to write what the weather is like, but who can keep up with that. I would look something like: foggy, sunny, rainy, hail, windy, bright sun with birds singing, pouring, cold, warm…all in one day!

Then I still stay in bed and read a bunch of blogs I have on google reader. Oh my. So many good blogs at there. What was that? Oh focus. Focus? What is that? I’ve been told many times by 2 different friends something to the effect of, “You read about so many things, you have so much knowledge in your head, what are you going to do about it?” I remember when I was learning to quilt. Kelly teased me about how much I read about it vs. how much I actually quilted. I read about writing. I picked a book off my shelf the other day called, “On Writing Well” it was right next to “Bird by Bird”.

I should eat. I’ve been thinking that all day.

Begin to clean off my desk. Then see a letter I wrote to my friend, Michele, in Arizona. All I have to do is put a stamp on it and put it in the mailbox. It’s been on my desk for at least a week. Then I remember that I have a letter for my sweet Beca that is from December. So sorry. So just know that I love you and thank  you for telling me the hard things. I love you for it! Oh, that reminds me, I’ve been wanting to make thank you cards for the people that have been so helpful in these past few weeks/months.

Sigh. I feel inadequate. So, I’ll read another blog. I really should eat.

I need to figure out food for house church on Sunday evening.

I’m feeling more pain today. Will this pain stop? I’m not talking emotionally, but physically. This stomach of mine just isn’t ready to eat. I don’t like taking it slow. I like moving even if bending over hurts me. Why? I don’t know.

Shower. I’ll take a shower. That’s when I can really think without interruption, usually. Here’s some of what I think:

  • i should call so-and-so and ask if we can spend more time together
  • oh, but if i do that i’ll have to talk about this hard stuff
  • hmmm, accountability- i should have it
  • does that mean being humble? yuck. that kinda hurts
  • now my head is full of questions and my thoughts are interrupted by more thoughts
  • i decide to stop thinking, but who am I to think that? I mean, my brain has a mind of it’s own, it won’t stop

I come out of the shower to find Christopher doing the wrong school work and I totally go ballistic. Then I apologize and while he is quick to forgive, I know it hurt him. I do that a lot. He is missing me.  All of my kids need more of me. (Oh, I wasn’t fresh out of the shower. I was dried and dressed.)

I also smell like vanilla and patchouli. I think I put on too much patchouli. I remember thinking that wasn’t possible. I was more hippie back then, I guess.

Questions. Always questions. [I really should eat now.] Boundaries. I need them, but once I have them in place I’ll push them. I’ll stretch them. I’ll challenge them like nobody’s business. I’m warning the world about this right now.

So, I call a friend and blab all these questions that can’t be answered at that moment and I tap my fingers on my bedroom window as I say something like, “Yeah, I’m fine if we talk about this later.” When really I’m thinking, “WHAT?!? ISN’T EVERYTHING ALL ABOUT ME????” That’s pretty much how I was raised. It really was all about me and I was/am such a selfish girl.

Why I have friends, I’ll never know.

I should pay some bills and balance all my money stuff and make a budget and make a menu and grocery list and plan my days and set some goals and I’m really hungry and I’m wondering when my questions will be answered and so I decide to blog something silly after I put on some makeup because that makes me feel pretty then i feel bad that i have to wear makeup to look pretty because that’s not what I want for my girls. *sigh*

I should eat. My head hurts and my bed needs to be made.