Things are changing. I am being changed. This is both good and bad. Bad because it’s scary and I really like to know exactly what lies ahead. I am constantly trying to calculate the future even in moments that I should be completely abandoned to the enjoyment of THAT exact moment. Instead I will only partially enjoy it because I’m too busy thinking about how and when it will end. Then I’ve gotta figure out if it’s dishes or laundry I get to first.
I was given a great gift earlier this year. Remember when my esophagus closed and I couldn’t eat. It was scary, but it was a gift. My addiction to sugar was broken. I didn’t eat sugar for quite awhile after my surgery. It was great. Wasn’t having many headaches, but here I sit at my computer with a headache and too agitated to sleep. All because I ate some ice cream and candy bars. Why did I do that? Because somehow I don’t believe that praying is enough. Somehow with all my talk about Jesus, I don’t believe that He is enough for me. So I pray and I write in my journal and then I eat some ice cream. Why not have a drink or smoke some pot? It’s the same heart issue, right?
People want to know me. Sometimes people ask me how I’m doing and I don’t know what to say. Do you really want to know for sure? Some people don’t, but some people want me to fillet my chest and let them know everything in my heart. Is that possible to do all of the time? So when I don’t people are hurt and offended. Sometimes when I open up other people get hurt. Other times, I open up because I’m hurt and I’m lashing out and I tend to say things that harm other people. I don’t trust myself sometimes. How much of my life can I or should I share and still protect the people in my life?
Is this too much for you? I’m just keeping it real. I’m trying to figure things out here as I go. I’ve never been here before. I’m almost a 36 year old single mom of four children. I’m still legally married, but we’re not living as husband and wife. I’m being called to deeper relationships and that’s scary. I’ve spent my entire life only allowing a few people in, unfortunately my husband was not one of them. I didn’t know how to let him in all the way. I have watched one of my children push me away in the same way that I pushed Kelly away. It’s the “I’m gonna push you away before you leave me” ploy. The thing is that it works. I pushed and pushed and pushed and now I’m single. He did what I thought he would, but isn’t that what I designed?
So, for all of you that ask about me, whether you’re asking me or asking other people- here’s the lowdown.
My life is full. My life is moving forward. I am sad, deeply so, but that does not mean I am depressed or hopeless. Do you believe that I can be happy and sad at the same time? I wouldn’t have ever believed it. Why am I sad, you ask? Have you noticed that I am raising my four children alone without a father in the home? I am so glad that he takes them every other weekend, but it isn’t the same, is it? I sleep with my dog every night. I don’t work outside my home, I don’t go to school yet, I’m not part of some sort of mom’s group. Therefore, I can go days without having a real conversation with an adult. I really want to unload or debrief, but there is no one else to talk to . That gets old. I often feel that my friends don’t want to hear about my photography adventures or my struggles with my kids. I don’t feel like I belong. I don’t fit in with my old married friends anymore. I’m always the odd man out…odd woman out. Oh look, it’s 3 couples who have been married for a long long time and then there’s me. I also don’t fit in with my single friends, either. They’re all young and childless. They don’t struggle the same way I do and they don’t understand my life. I have found that I disappoint and am disrespected because I’m not the kind of woman they want to be when they grow up. For crying out loud, I’m not the woman I want to be nor am I the woman I want them to be. Then there are other single moms. I do fit in there. Life is a struggle. Struggling isn’t all bad. Now that you know why I am sad or why I look like I’m carrying the world on my shoulders, let me tell you something else. I am very excited about the direction my life is heading. Jesus and I are pretty tight. I just had a great weekend. You can read about that here. My kids and I had an incredible evening last night. I believe it will prove to be the beginning of some great changes in my family. They may not feel so great at the time, but I’m looking at end results here. Remember back when God told me who I am? I get it now. I understand it a bit better. I’m going to walk in knowing who I am in Him. I’m going to seek Him and ask Him to help me love Him.