There is much mulling around in this head of mine. Questions without answers. Emotions that I don’t know how to put in a box…or I don’t know exactly how to label that box. Memories coming to the surface after years of being buried. As I was remembering thinks I actually asked God if He remembered it, too. I wrote in my journal today. I haven’t done that in a long time.

I was thinking of the word redeemed. I have loved that word for awhile now. A few years ago I met a beautiful young woman from Liberia. She had only been here for a few days. I watched her and she watched me. She finally came up to me, grabbed my hands, put her face in my face and said, “You are so beautiful.” I think she said more, but the shock deafened me for a moment or two. Her name: Redeemed. I don’t know her story or what happened when her name changed, but I know I love this girl and beauty radiates from her. I will ask her to tell me the story one day.

Anyway, the word “redeemed” kept coming to mind. I wrote it over and over in my journal.

I remembered that in the days after Kelly and I fell apart that I felt like my life was like a burned up forest. Black. Charred. Dead. Then I was reminded that life comes back. It begins with one small seed designed to only sprout and take root after it has been through intense heat. The kind of heat that only fire or lava can create. The kind of heat that destroys everything in its path. Ashes. What did He say about ashes? Oh yes, beauty from ashes.


I wrote this in my journal today in church:

This will be my story. How you brought beauty and life to my family from this rubble and death. How you pulled Kelly from the miry clay. Yes, even him. How you have taken this broken family and created a beautiful stained glass window for You to shine through. Remember that? I forgot how You gave me that picture once. Broken shards of glass made into something beautiful. A mosaic of sorts. Bits and pieces of…of…of nothingness made into beauty. That was from You. Beauty from ashes.”

Even if when I run away, I can’t separate myself from His redeeming love.