Not to be confused with hiding. Hiding is my tendency, but this time I’m retreating.
When I’m hiding I’m trying to cover the sin and the ugliness. I’m trying to look good. I’m trying to do all the right things because it’s the right thing to do. After all, I’ve been walking this Christian life for 20 years. I’m trying to be a good single mom. I tried to be a good wife. I try and I try. Some of me gives up every time I fail. I keep thinking that I’m at the end of my rope, but apparently I’m not. In hiding, I seemingly connect to a lot of people, but not deeply. I’m not real.
Guess what? I don’t feel connected to the people in my church. Not really. Not in the deep way I want to. Same thing at my last church. It’s not that I want to connect to everybody and it isn’t their fault. I am loved by many, but none really know me. Maybe I even look strong to them even though I’m not. Let’s make that past tense. I’m pretty sure they’re beginning to get a good look at me now. I’m not hiding or covering up any more.
Retreating. Pulling back from making hundreds of shallow connections and pulling back to build deep connections with a few and most of those will be women. In fact, all of them will be unless it’s concerning the elders of the church and their wives. Retreating to be strengthened. Spending time in God’s Word. Trying to fill my mind with His word.
It’s a time of strengthening. A time to put down the clunky armor I’ve been trying to use. Kind of like how David tried on Saul’s armor and it just didn’t fit so he just went out there to face the giant. Just him and his slingshot and God. That’s all I need: God. I’m finding that David and I are not so different after all.