I was doing dishes just a few minutes ago. It’s been awhile since I’ve done that. I’ve been having Dusty do them, but I really just wanted the kitchen cleaned up quickly so we could move on to something else. I do a lot of thinking while doing dishes.
I was remembering back to the days when I lived in my beloved brick house. I did a lot of reading and a lot of listening back then. I lived 5 minutes from the Great Commission School. I read my Bible a lot. I journaled to my heart’s content…almost. I went to home group. We’d often have people over for dinner. The seemed like great days.
I also remember they were hard days. Our marriage was always difficult for us, but it seemed more hopeful somehow. Those are the times that I saw God provide for us in the most amazing ways. I didn’t have much doubt in that area.
Anyway, what I was thinking of specifically is the time I spent in the Word and prayer and reading books or listening to sermons that pointed me to Jesus. What spurred me on to good works or inspired me to trust just a little more.
I want that again. I want to go back to the time when all I did was take care of my home and spend my time drawing close to God. I wonder now if I saw God to great things because I believed He would and I prayed for them. I expected it. Not in that way that suggested I thought I deserved them, but in that way that I trusted Him completely.
How is it that I’ve forgotten?
I want to walk in that again. In addition to that I want to walk in integrity and truth. I want a realness that I didn’t have back then. I was so afraid of what people would think when they found out I’m not perfect. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? I still worry about that some, but just this week I’m beginning to lay it down.
I’ve also been thinking about what a battlefield the mind is. Last week I was working at fighting off shame. I just had to keep going back to Scripture reminding myself that I’ve confessed and am forgiven. I’m clothed in righteousness. This week I’m battling the thoughts like, “well, it wasn’t that bad, at least it wasn’t….” Whatever. Sin is sin. I don’t have to be ashamed and I don’t have to justify. It’s over. It’s done. God has forgotten, why can’t I?
Some of you have been asking how you can help. Here’s my answer. Pray. Pray for my car situation, for my financial situation-we have lots of needs, and for me to have wisdom for what direction I should be leading my family toward. If you want more specifics, feel free to email me directly.