That’s what it feels like these days. I’m extremely tired. It isn’t that sort of tired that I feel when I’m feeling down and depressed; the kind that keeps me paralyzed. It’s the kind of tired that’s caused by large amounts of emotional & spiritual battling. I am spending so much energy speaking truth to myself. I’m battling thoughts of shame, blame, self-justification, and pride. I am choosing to be real with a few people in my life and building those relationships. It’s work. I never knew that. I can feel myself start to float into the shallow waters when conversation begins to venture into the deep. Isn’t that we all want? We talk about this a lot in our Christian community. We throw around words like intentional, transparency, real, accountability. Yet, when it came down to those things for me I couldn’t or wouldn’t be completely real. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I have to go deep with everybody, but I do think we have to be real. Don’t ask me what that looks like? I’m not sure. I’m just thinking here and really, that was all to say that I’m really tired. I sleep deep and I sleep long. On Saturday I woke up around 8:30 and was napping at around 10 or 11. It was nice. It was restful.
Rest. That’s been coming up a lot in conversations. I am looking forward to learning how to rest in the midst of life. I’d really like a weekend to go out to the Trappist Abbey. I’ve never really wanted that before. Silence scares me. Being alone baffles me. I find something to take up that time and space. This time I just want to get away with just me, my Bible, and my journal. Oh, and some sort of awesome pen to write with. Good journal writing starts with a good pen.
Psalm 91:1 says, “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.”
The word dwell gets me. It doesn’t say, “He who visits or passes through or gets a glimpse of…” It says whoever dwells. Where is our dwelling place? Where do t we spend most of our time? Dwell. I don’t know, but it sounds like His place is much better than mine. Later in that Psalm it says, “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him. And show him My salvation.”
I just know that I’m ready to learn to rest; to dwell and abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I’m ready to take refuge under His wings. Then I shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day nor anything else.
So, while I am sleeping and napping and resting I will be under His wing. This means I don’t have as much time for facebook, instant messaging, phone calls, blog reading, and parties. I am choosing to make time for my kids, school, photography (sort of), my small circle of trusted friends (whom I’ll come up with a cool name for soon), and sleeping. I used to skimp on sleep. Not so willing to do that any more, though there are times I’m still up too late.