Go listen to JJ Heller singing What Love Really Means. Let it play in the background as you read this. You can watch the video if you want to, I really like it.
I want more. More money, more thin, more time, more sleep, more friends, more clothes, more inspiration, more gas in my car. I want to be more. More joyful, more spiritual, more humble, more strong..or more weak. What do you want me to be? More friendly? More hospitable? More what? I’ll shoot for it.
That’s the kind of world we live in, don’t we? Would you like to supersize it or since you’re watching your weight would you like an extra super duper large diet soda? Oooh, look at her. Her house is so clean and she’s always put together. I’m SO not like that, but I’m working on it.
At the end of the day I wonder if I could’ve been more to my kids or for them. What is really going on in their broken hearts? As much as I hate to admit it, we’re a “broken” family ravaged by the effects of divorce. I have three adopted children with varying amounts of emotional trauma, not to mention my own emotional trauma that I’m just now beginning to see.
I am constantly trying to earn love. Love from you, love from my kids, love from the cashier at the store, and love from God. C’mon now, there isn’t anything I can do to earn the love of Him; of the One who came to die for me. The one who didn’t berate the harlot. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth trying, then something reminds me that I don’t have to “do” anything to get His love. He loves me with complete abandonment; He loves me with a love deeper than the love I have for my children.
More love. I need more love for my children. More grace. More mercy. I want my love to abound toward them, but still, I am so selfish.
Right now I want to be more healthy. I had a bout of the flu last week and this week I have this nasty head cold that is totally kicking my butt. Seriously, I had plenty of sleep last night and I came home from errands to take a 2 hour nap.
So often I run around trying to do more yet accomplishing very little. For instance, when I feel a migraine coming on I suddenly try to get caught up on dishes and laundry. I start preparing food for my kids so it will be available to them when I’m down for the count. Lately, I’ve been able to rest better because I’m keeping up on my household routines. A couple of days before I came down with the flu I was in bed with a migraine. I got up that morning, got the kids sent off to school, took a good look around my house and smiled because I was able to completely rest. Nothing urgent had to be done.
Rest. I’m learning to do it. I’m also learning that in order to truly rest I have to be diligent in the other areas of my life so that I can devote time to rest. It doesn’t work to multi-task with rest.
Today each one of my children willingly and diligently worked on their homework. I was sitting with one of them while he struggled through 20 minutes of reading and I wondered if I should’ve just never homeschooled him. I wanted to bring him home so he could bond with the rest of us because it always felt like it was us and him. Then I wonder if I made a mistake in homeschooling at all because I’m certainly not good enough. I started feeling guilty and ashamed again over not being enough.
I should have tried harder. I should still try harder.
Then I remember: I am enough. He is enough.
My prayer of late goes something like this: Jesus, I believe You are more than enough for me. Please be my everything. Please fill in all those little cracks that need you and heal my heart. Help me to know Your love and make me like You.