So much happening in this brain of mine. I don’t like it. What I do like is planning and knowing what is going to happen or how I’m going to feel. I don’t know why I’m still surprised when that doesn’t happen. It’s not like I’ve ever really been in control of my whole life.
Today feels like a day for listening to country music. I don’t know why.
One of my earliest memories is lying on the cold linoleum floor in the middle of a scorching hot day. The shades were pulled and the air conditioner hummed in the window. The old 8 track would play Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton, Johnny Cash, Loretta Lynn, Conway Twitty, and the like. My heart would feel so full and yet hurt at the same time. I loved that moment, but knew it wouldn’t last forever. My dad was working, my mom would be in the kitchen cooking or something. It was safe. I was safe. Maybe that’s where I am now. I feel full and happy and safe and loved, yet…well, these moments don’t last long in my life, do they?
The days are warm. Oh wait, no, they are HOT. Scorching hot and I’m going to just enjoy it and be happy for it. Shoot, I’m even thinking of going to the beach. Total spur of the moment sort of trip. So. NOT. Me. Then again, I might just stay home and clean…or pretend to clean.
You know what it is? It’s God asking me to trust Him even further and deeper. Can I trust Him with every area of my heart? Can I fully pour myself into this community without any expectation of return? Can I raise my children on my own? I used to scoff at the whole ‘it takes a village’, but I don’t any more. I need a village. I have a few people on my side, but largely I feel alone.
Joy and grief. Feeling thankful and tender. This moment is so fleeting and I wonder if I’ve ruined with my harshness or inability to see.
Seeing is a strange thing, isn’t it? Sometimes we can only see what is right in front of us and other times we can only see the things far off and neglect the things close to us.
I like to be surprised by laughter. My laughter. I don’t think I laugh easily. I love when it just bursts out me. I’m so surprised by it that it makes me laugh a little more.
There is a little boy by the name of Nathanial. He is 6 weeks old and is dying. He has cancer. He’s had chemo. His liver is week, his lungs try to fill with blood. When I think of this everything else kind of fades away. There are several updates a day. There’s a FB group dedicated just to this baby. There are nearly 1000 members. All are praying.
My heart is overwhelmed and I am left without words.