It’s now October. It’s a time of change. The leaves are changing. The skies are changing. Birds are leaving. Bears begin to think about hibernation. The squirrels are busily stirring up. The ants & grasshoppers are fighting over food sources. The flies are seeking refuge inside my house instead of outside.

October. Oh, how I love and loathe you at the same time.

I love October because of all the wonderful changes in the weather. The colors around here are amazing, though I admit I’d rather be in Maine with the Wall family right now.

I loathe October because it’s my birthday month. I turn 37. I’m almost 40. I wonder if my life has mattered at all. I wonder if I have done anything worthy. I wonder if I’ve changed at all in the last year. Have I learned to be less afraid and to trust in Him more? Have I learned to love? To be joyful? To rest? Have I built the people around me or torn them down. Have I glorified God more than spit in His face?

I am always measuring. Comparing.

Always coming up short.

Will this next year be any different. I have to believe so. If I don’t believe then what use is there in anything.

Reflection. That’s what this month is for me. A month of reflection.

I love taking pictures of the sunset reflecting off of something small like a muddy puddle in the center of a soggy field. Something beautiful in the midst of something yucky.

We are called to reflect His beauty, but how can we do that if we don’t really believe Him? Or if we don’t really believe what we know to be true? We talk all the good things, the right things, the admirable things that inspire those around us. Do we believe them? I don’t know that we do; and by ‘we’ I mean me. I can’t claim to know what you believe. I know a whole heck of a lot of good things, but I don’t walk in it because I don’t believe it.

I KNOW that I can lose weight. I even KNOW how to do it. I just don’t BELIEVE that I can succeed. I also know that those around me don’t believe it either because they’ve watched me lose the battle so many times.

I know and talk about being real and being family with my community at Open Door Church and the friends around me, but when I get hurt I back out and back down. To be vulnerable and real is a huge risk. I KNOW that it’s still right to do, but I don’t BELIEVE that it’s worth it anymore. So, I want to play it safe. There is a risk in that, too.

There is a group of women online that are all taking some sort of risk for the next 31 days. They are committing to 31 days of change in some area of their lives. There are over 400 women taking on this challenge!!! That’s a whole lotta change going on! I want to read almost all of them, but time doesn’t permit for that. I guess I could choose 31 days of intense blog reading, but I’m not sure how that will actually move me in the right direction.

I’m going to choose 31 days of reflection. I know, it’s very inward and it’s all about me, but it’s also not all about me. It’s about digging deeper into Him and letting Him get  His hands dirty. He gets to stir up stuff in me. I think He likes gardening. I think He likes turning a messy lot of weeds into a beautiful productive garden.

Don’t you?