…the more I learn about me.

Today I stumbled across this post I wrote last year on my birthday. It was quite amusing to me. I think I was feeling a little silly that day.

I do not feel so silly these days. I think that’s ok.

I’ve been looking inward to the motivations of my heart lately. I have seen the mean-ness of my heart. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not all that ashamed of it, either. Also, while part of me  has learned to trust a little deeper, it’s also quicker to take back that trust when I’ve been hurt.

I don’t understand me like I thought I did and yet, I’m learning more about me all the time.

Take the love languages, for instance. I would’ve pretty staunchly said that physical touch is not that important to me. I didn’t realize what huggy friends I used to have. Many have moved or got real jobs so I don’t see them as often. I miss being hugged all the time or having a bunch of us pile up on the couch or bed to watch a movie. I would’ve also said that gifts isn’t that big to me, but guess what? Last month I came home from the beach to find a card and gift on the kitchen island. All I could say over and over was, “Oh my gosh. I feel so loved right now.” Oh, the card was addressed to Rad Queen Dar.

Sometimes I don’t like getting to know me, but maybe that is part of the revealing. Maybe my Creator is revealing more of myself to me so that I might run to Him. I can’t clean this filth off myself. I can say the right things and even choose the right things, but if I’m not clean on the inside I think I’m pretty worthless.

It’s a lack of love. That’s all. It’s my flesh rearing it’s ugly head. It’s me thinking that I deserve this. It’s my childhood possessiveness deciding that I’m going to hold on to this one thing because it’s mine and I want to. I don’t want to share. It’s very gollum-like, isn’t it?

Love. That’s all it takes. I’m not love, but I know who is. So, I run to Him. Ok, maybe I don’t run much these days, but I do limp and He’s ok with that. I fail and fall to my knees every day, but I’m falling forward.

Jesus, come and meet me here.