I’m losing the desire to share my life with everyone. I’m tired of looking in at myself and trying to figure out how to live this life; how to look at Jesus and this walk this walk I say I want to walk.
Is this what I’m supposed to be writing about? I mean, right now I just want to complain, but what it really comes down to is the age-old battle between my flesh and the spirit of God living in me.
I want what the Lord wants because I believe that He cares for me and knows best. I want what I want because I apparently don’t trust Him with my heart.
At church we talked about what covenant means. What does it mean for us as individuals and as a church? As people were talking I just kept coming back to the word Belonging. I didn’t say anything, but really, that’s what we’re talking about. We’re talking about being real, going deep, loving one another. Loving, healing hearts, building the Kingdom.
What does that really look like?
When we sit together in these discussions I feel a mix of relief and pride and almost abandoned trust. The kind of relief that says, “Oh, other people think this way, too?” or “Oh, so if he says it and this other guy says it then maybe I can trust it even when I don’t trust anyone else around here.” Then there’s the kind of pride that says, “Yeah, these are my people. The ones God has called me to dwell with.” I know that last part to be true, I just don’t always feel excitement for it. Then there’s the trust issue. How do we trust people? I can tell people how I’m doing and be pretty honest about it, but I can’t tell them AND ask them for help. Isn’t that part of trusting? I don’t know.
I do know that this is right where I’m supposed to be and I want to embrace this time and rejoice in it.