There are things I don’t like to talk about. Maybe because they are deep truths about me. One of them is about my weight. That’s what this blog is about.

I’ve struggled with my weight issues for a very long time. I’ve written about them before. Last fall I wrote about crossfit with my friends in Mac. I’ve written a bit when I was training for the half marathon. I think back in 2006 I even wrote about the Biggest Loser challenge I took part in. I worked really hard, lost a lot of weight, and felt better about myself for awhile.

I lose weight, then I gain it back. I do this over and over. In my darkest hour my heart finds solace in food. My friends watch in what I can only assume is amazement and disappointment. I have tried, in the past, to be honest about the struggle.

Nowadays, I’ve pretty much given up struggling. I wonder, does it really matter? Why bother? Oh yes, I do have the kids and don’t want to leave them motherless. Then there’s the, “If I lost weight and was fit I could serve Jesus better. I’d be better prepared for whatever He calls me to.” There’s also the desire to be beautiful to man. I know, shallow and lame, but there it is.

Yet.

Here I am, once again, embarking on this journey. I’ll be doing Crossfit again, but this time it’ll be with a guy from my church here in Sheridan. I’ll be training 4x a week starting on Thursday.

I’ll hate it then I’ll love it. I’ll hate it because I’ll be the absolute fattest one in the class. This is not new to me. The only place I wasn’t the fattest was in the Biggest Loser challenge. I’ll be in a room with thin girls, younger than me, who will never know the land of fat. I’ll have to deal with that darn plantar fasciitis in my foot again. I’ll need to wear a brace at night that makes my foot go numb, but I’ll be able to walk almost pain free if I wear it. I hurt my back somehow a couple of weeks ago and I can barely put on my left shoe in the mornings. I’ll have to sleep with a hot pad. I’ll love it when I feel myself getting stronger; when I think it’s actually working.

But here’s the thing. I can’t see it. I can’t see that final goal of a thin and beautiful me. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I know there’s MUCH more to it than the outward look of it all, but it’s hard to sit here and say I’m doing it again. I’m tempted to take before and afer pics, but I usually end up with lots of befores and no afters.

So, here I am saying that once again I am somewhat willing to let the Lord work in me concerning this. I will try not to obsess and I’ll try not to be in distress. I will probably cry, but hopefully not in front of the trainer or the other people in the class!

And now, I must really go to bed. I keep falling asleep at the computer.

Advertisements