For the amount of words that fly out of my mouth and onto the computer screen through my fingers you’d think that I could communicate well. I’m well aware that this is not the case although, I think I am slowly learning.

This evening I learned that there is a good way to confront. It doesn’t have to be big and scary; it can bless and strengthen relationship. I’ve always run from confrontation. I would guess that most of us learned that confrontation, while sometimes necessary, is better left undone.

This feeling has overflowed into how I am beginning to communicate with my kids. It used to be so easy, but now they’re growing into young adults and I find it so much more difficult. I’m trying to teach them how to make good choices and choose to do the right thing. I’ve been told several times that I do too much for my kids. In trying to teach them or talk to them about certain issues I have created a place of uncomfortable confrontation. They don’t feel loved or safe.

I don’t know what that looks like.

Oh wait, I have a small glimpse of that. I felt it once when I went out to  5 Rock Ranch. I remember feeling loved while also feeling chastised. I’m not sure chastised is the right word. I knew they could see right through me at that moment, but love me and be on my side, anyway. I want my kids to feel that, too. I’m pretty sure they don’t. I’m not sure how to fix that.

It comes down to building trust. This is something that should’ve been in place long ago, but somewhere along the way I messed it up. I know I don’t trust easily. There are precious few that I do trust. Building trust takes the risk of being vulnerable and open. What does that look like when we’re talking about my kids here?

Right now I’m not too concerned with those outside my family in this area. I have lost much in my family and I’m trying to figure out how to go about rebuilding it. I know it’s not just me, I know it’s God and me. I also know that I probably have never had the trust of Sage and Dusty even though they’ve been with me for 6 years. I know Christopher loves me, but he certainly doesn’t respect me. Then there’s Ireland. She loves me. She will still share her heart with me.

I want my kids to have good relationships. I obviously failed in my relationship with my husband and I can look back and see how my cowardliness has robbed me of several other friendships that could’ve been fantastic. I don’t want that for my children. I don’t have much family and the few of us that are left aren’t close. I want my kids to be close. I want them to love one another.

There is so much going on in my head, but I’m unable to get it all out.

Everyday, making choices; choosing kindness over harshness. Learning to ask questions to hear their hearts. Not so good at that.