I woke up with many thoughts on my mind today. I think the first one was, “Yes! I get to sleep in…but wait, here I am awake. Hmmm.” I don’t tend to think in a straight line unless I put my mind to it. I like my thoughts ping ponging around in my head. I don’t know that it serves me well most of the time, but sometimes it’s freeing.
I dreamt of all kinds of things. It seems I was moving out of a big house, but that everyone else was moving out first. It wasn’t just me and my kids. It was many of my closest friends. We were all moving on. It was a happy sort of sad feeling. I remember sitting in one of the rooms just taking in the smells and wondering why a guitar was balanced on top of a pile of clothes. I was wondering if I would remember the things that move my heart or would they just get buried in the busyness of the next phase of my life.
I worry about being too busy and yet not doing enough. It’s all about planning and priorities and making sure I hold true to the things that are most important to me.
I also thought about hard things. The choices we make. Where we live, who we live with, who we love, and those we used to love. The joys and the heartaches of all of those choices. Navigating parenthood trying not to be a controlling bully while teaching my children the power of their choices. The other day I told them that I am for them and that I only want to protect their hearts and help them from making foolish choices. They don’t understand, I think.
I have wedding on my mind. I’m gearing up for a December 3rd shoot of a lovely friend of mine. I can’t tell you how excited I am for this shoot. I’m expecting great things here.
I’ve lived a week without water in the house I’m currently in so I went back to my old house to shower, eat, and clean stuff there. It doesn’t have heat. I am so thankful to have running water again in the same house that has heat. Such small things, but man, does it make me feel wealthy.
Money. It’s a feels like a dance between being a good manager and dodging the unexpected or being ready for them. It has been trying and disappointing at times, yet in the midst of it all I have been at peace. I’ve been disappointed, but not panicked. I know God is good and I’m expecting good things. That doesn’t mean I’m expecting that I’ll get whatever I want, it’s just that I know He’s on my side and even if I don’t see the goodness, it’s always there.
I do see His goodness.
Some people have told me that I have a hard life, but don’t we all? I mean, aren’t we all being challenged?
Sage is my only child home with me today. I love that boy. The other day Christopher told me how much he loves Sage, too, and how he’s afraid that Sage will lose his cuteness.
I’ve been thinking about all these heart aches and troubles along with the dreams and desires. It’s package deal. Accomplishing dreams don’t mean much if we don’t work for them. Trusting Jesus isn’t as sweet if we don’t have trials to trust that. We miss out on his everyday gifts to us, I think.
I am content. I might even be happy. Things are not perfect. Things have broken and cost me more money. My heart…well, I was going to say it ached, but it really doesn’t. That’s nice. Really nice, in fact. It’s also not sad or angry. I’m still alone, but that’s okay. By alone, I mean without a husband to call my own.
I was lying on my bed this morning. (I’m now sitting, thank you very much.) When I heard myself saying, “Ok Lord, whatever You have for me I gladly accept. I can take it.” Um what???? And all I was picturing was little Mary, mother of Jesus, standing before the Angel of the Lord having a conversation with him. She says, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” I’ve often wondered why she was chosen. I used to imagine her as this quiet, pure, young woman. She was those things, but I imagine that there was an inner strength about her. I can’t imagine what I would feel if I were pregnant now and had to bear the judgements of those around me. To be in her place would feel unbearable at times. Who would believe you? It was an outrageous claim to be carrying the Son of God. A quiet strength. I think that’s what she held.
Yesterday someone observed that I’ve changed so much in the past few years. I didn’t respond, but my first thought was, “Well, I would hope so.” Then when I woke up this morning I actually felt changed. Sometimes I do wonder and I’ll send out an email or text to a friend or two asking if them if I ever change. Today I awoke feeling calm and focused. Thoughts are bouncing, but nothing is swirling. I think thoughts bounce and emotions swirl. Can I just tell you how nice it is to not have swirling emotions??? Can I get an Amen, sisters????
There is a lot of change in my life and I’ve always said that I don’t deal well with change, but I think the Lord has changed that. I think I’m doing quite well.
Well, I reckon it’s time to end my snuggling bed time. I have the cat and dog on my bed while listening to a clip from the E.T. soundtrack.
Thanks for tuning in to my Saturday Morning Ping Pong Thoughts post!