I took this as we passed a barn in BC…or Lynden, Washington. I can’t remember now.

Some days I feel like the minutes drag on and I just wish they would end. Other days I wish they would slow down a little…or a lot. I felt both of those ways yesterday.

Morning was difficult. Three kids playing games and fighting through it all. Harsh words and angry voices being thrown about. Frustration mounting. Long list staring at me. I am being challenged in time management and negotiation. I am weary. It is only 9 a.m.

My teenager planning his day had a disappointment or two. I tell him excitedly, “You’re turning 16 soon. That makes me sad. And happy. I love you.” I want to cry. What happened to those days of a toddler so animated you knew he’d be a great story teller one day. A little boy wild and fun running far ahead when we walked. I remember out night time routine. I want it back. We’d snuggle up and read books for a bit, then chat about the day, pray, sing songs and go night night. There were some days I would breeze right through so I could go read my own book or play games with my friends.

Christopher leaves for the movies with friends while my younger kids and I walk over to a friend’s house to babysit little ones. Fun and wild boys with a sister who smiles a lot. They have a new kitty they want to love on. Sometimes that looks like squeezing and sitting on. The kitten doesn’t understand. There is never a dull moment in their home, that’s for sure.

We’re invited to go to a friends’ house so the kids can watch a movie outside. I say yes and consider leaving so I can get some work done, but I feel bad because they are so good to take Dusty whenever I need them to. So I stay. When I come home I find that don’t have the skills to create a ticket for an event that I wanted to have done today. I didn’t send an important e-mail because my brain is fried. I stay up until late trying to work on this ticket. I give up, realizing I need help.

I begin to sort through the 10 boxes of books I have to get rid of. I’m going to sell some at a homeschool curriculum sale on Wednesday. I have a piles for the sale, goodwill, and to keep. I love books. I’m having a hard time letting go of some of the books I’ve loved with Christopher. I think about summer and how maybe, just maybe I can do some sort of “school” with the kids. I won’t call it school. It will be fun. It will help with routine.

I’ve been thinking about meeting with an older woman who has adopted many children. To ask her about how to manage my home so it is better for my children. I need help. I’m out of my league when we start talking about sensory sensitivities with some kids. I know we all like order and routine. I think some of my kids need it more than others. How to transition back into that when I’ve been so relaxed?

Oh, a sweet stolen moment with Sage early in the day. I call him in. Hold him close. He can’t look at me or hug me back. I tell him that it’s ok for him to do that. It’s even okay for him to not want me to hug him, but his brain needs it. Then we play a game, just him and I. He didn’t lose by much. He’s happy with that. He was great the rest of the day. I need to remember to take a little time for him.

Today is full with church, potluck, a birthday party for Ireland to go to and we have no gift, a community choir performance, and then a home group in the evening. No slow down time.

I have been having bed time troubles with one of my kids. You think we’d be past this by now. It helps to remember that her  mental/emotional growth began to be stunted when she was very young. If I look at it as though she’s a toddler it makes it so much easier. Thank you very much trauma for altering her brain development. 

I have had a few days I would call victorious. Not pretty, but victory nontheless.

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