Four times a week I head down to my church with a few other ladies to exercise. It was my idea. Several times when I’ve struggled, I’ve wondered why I ever suggested such a thing. I must be crazy. After I finished my 1/2 marathon a couple of years ago I told my sister-in-law that it was a stupid idea and to never make me do it again. She laughed saying, “It was your idea”. I do this. I think, “Hey, this is a great idea and it’ll keep me accountable.” It sounds great until I’m struggling to breathe or get my feet off the floor for a jumping jack. Sweat drips down my forehead burning my eyes and all I can think is, “I HATE EXERCISING!!!!! These girls are not carrying around an extra 130 lbs !!! That’s a whole person!!!! But then I get through it and I’m fine. Actually, we’re not doing Jillian Michaels anymore and that’s the only time I felt that. The one we’re doing now is hard, but not that hard. 

Anyway, I had taken a pretty long break. I was sick for so long, but before that it was hit and miss because I was busy. I went back today expecting to not be able to make it through the entire video. Guess what? I made it. I was dripping sweat like nobody’s business and couldn’t speak in full sentences, but I made it. I didn’t do most of the easier modifications, either. The ones I did do were because something is wrong with my feet and I physically can’t do them. Yay for me. I even put a gold sticker on my calendar for that.

Summer feels like it’s coming to an end. My kids have 2 weeks of summer school that started today. It’s not for remedial help, though I have some who need that, it’s supposed to be a couple of weeks of science fun! I felt a little like I was betraying my “good Christian” roots by enjoying the fact that they were at school. I’m almost over feeling inferior to real homeschoolers, but not quite. Christopher was working so I was completely child free for several hours.

That gave me time to think. I realized quite a few things today. 

  • I have to say, I love these bullet point things. It looks so organized even if it isn’t.
  • This summer is WAY easier and peaceful than last summer. Last summer I felt very alone. Days were really hard. Sage was raging almost daily. I was depressed and desperate.
  • I was full of fear. 
  • I have grown so much. I understand myself more which helps me understand my kids more. But it’s a circle. The more I learn about them and their challenges, the more I learn about me. 
  • I understand who I am to God. It’s deeper than it was. Last year I would’ve said all the right things, but this year I believe them.
  • I am stronger in so many ways. I can speak the truth even when it’s hard. 
  • I recently wrote a difficult email to someone. I didn’t want to, but I had to for the healing of my family. 
  • I’m more daring. 
  • I’m more choosy. I choose more carefully the kind of things I jump into. (Though I still am too busy.)
  • I don’t worry so much about what people think. 

I realize that most of this is about me, but I’m ok with that. I think that’s where the change begins, anyway. I sought out help for my kids and I. We have an additional therapist. I plan on seeking more help for one of my kids. I’m learning to be more honest with people and if what I say is too hard, then I’m ok with that. This life right now is about protecting and finding healing for my kids’ hurts. 

I’m in a battle, YO! If you can’t get on board and do all these crazy things that feel so backward but brings healing to my kids then I can’t be bothered with you right now. 

Harsh?

I am tired still, but I think that’s ok. Last year I was exhausted and exasperated. This year I can keep going. I am tired because being proactive and on guard all the time is hard work. I’m always looking for potential triggers or obstacles. Sometimes I try to cut them off before they happen, other times I just watch it all unfold. 

I realized that today that my little Ireland that many think is so perfect actually has a victim mentality. Summer with her has been alright. Earlier this year I started having some concerns about her concerning her past. There were just little things, but mostly a feeling. When I mentioned it to one therapist she said, “I think you’re right.” Then later when I brought her to a group therapy with another therapist that one paused, looked at me and said, “Do you want to start bringing Ireland?” Um yeah, if you ask me that, then I sure do. So, Ireland went to school today and I get a phone call later in the day telling me of some undesirable behavior. When I ask Ireland about it her answers were, “Well, everybody [blah blah blah]” and “Well, nobody would let me [blah blah blah].” I’m beginning to see what we need to work on here. Oy vey. 

Well, I think my thoughts for the general public are about done here. These are the ones that I could actually form into sentences and paragraphs. The others are just partials. I imagine my thoughts as though each one resides on its own piece of broken glass. Sometimes they just float through the space of my mind; other times they form into something sort of beautiful. 

 

 

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