It is difficult to know where to begin. I haven’t written a single word  here in over 4 months. Do I give you a quick overview of each month with an accompanying photo? Or do I just start talking now and pretend that everyone who reads this post has also been keeping up with me in real life via phone, text, or facebook?

Well, I can tell you this. I am not the same woman I was in October.

My emotions were all over the place. I had found out, after my return from my b-day get away, that my bio dad from Philippines had died. Something in me kind of shut down. I shared that fact with only a few people. It’s not really something I actually want to talk about with..well, pretty  much anyone. [Don’t worry, I have a therapist. I have to share her with 3 of my kids, though.]

November brought 2 birthdays and Thanksgiving. I loved Thanksgiving this year. There have been some rough ones for me, but I stuck it out. This year, even in October, I was wondering if my family would have to begin a new tradition. That was heartbreaking since it’s the last “normal” thing left from since Kelly, my ex, and I separated. However, this Thanksgiving was sweet, tender, something to be cherished. It felt like a treasure.

Still, my heart was in a downward spiral. My heart was tender. I felt like I was being pulled in and pushed away at the same time.

I don’t think anyone knew. At least, I’m pretty sure my closest girlfriends didn’t know. I remember saying something stupid and realizing that part of me was asking for help, but couldn’t just say it. The comment was awkward and ill-placed. It was met with shifty eyes, awkward silence, and comment that hurt. I knew I was in the wrong and been put in my place. I also realized in that moment that I needed I needed to not be quite so open.

December was upon me. Christmas. Overdue bills. Winter break. Visions of a meager Christmas, disappointed kids, and a break full of behavioral challenges. You know, the normal run-of-the-mill life when you have kids with attachment issues. {They’re now going to term it: developmental trauma syndrome or something like that.} I didn’t even decorate for Christmas. I knew it was my own issues with the holiday(s). Turns out that by me not changing a lot of things in our home for the holidays was actually the best thing for my kids. My friend had been told by our brain therapist that often Christmas brings on too much stimulation, and thus, a bunch of acting out.

I was reaching the bottom, quickly. Little did I know that I was about to turn a corner. 

Christmas was good. Very good. Our dear friend, Levi Finley, spent December 24-26 with us. We cooked and cooked and baked and watched movies and went to see the Hobbit and laughed. We laughed. My heart was made merry by such a visit. We don’t get many visitors these days nor do we get invited places so having a good comfort friend was refreshing.

Then something happened.

I was remembering how in years past I had blogged a year end summary. I wondered if I would do that this year. So, I thought very cynically about our  year. I didn’t have to think very long when things began looking up. I began comparing life from a year ago.

December 2011

  • living in someone else’s home
  • days away from a huge…um, trauma trigger for my eldest daughter
  • days of continual arguing ALL of the time
  • mourning the loss of the home I built with my husband and all the ideal that held
  • the beginning of me feeling cut off from friends…ok,  maybe not the beginning, but sharing a home with someone else sure deepened that

December 2012

  • a rented home with inexpensive rent and an incredible landlord
  • heat
  • a girl who isn’t arguing all of the time
  • a young boy who rarely rages, it used to be daily
  • we were half way through our winter break and NO BIG BAD behaviors had occurred
  • Christopher had played chess with all his younger siblings

So then I began to think of even more things concerning my kids and realized that in the months since we had started doing neurotherapy last summer, our home lives had drastically improved. More good progress had happened in those months than in the previous 6 1/2 years.

This IS huge! HUGE! Do you hear me??? HUGE!

{Bear with me, I was intending for this to be a short update!}

Suddenly I realized that things are changing and the changes are good.

I had spent a several weeks wondering what I had done that was so wrong that God wasn’t providing for me the same as He had before. Now I realize that things were just changing. I was being equipped differently than I had before.

While I’m not one to do New Year’s resolutions, I knew that something new was coming. So I made the declaration that 2013 would be a year like none other.

And so far, it has, but you’ll have to wait to hear more about that.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a photo of my beautiful dog, Ginger.