Days move swiftly as Spring gives way to Summer.
We’re only a week into Summer break and so far, so good. I used to dread breaks when I’d remember the ones from years past. They involved lots of yelling, kids breaking glass, doors slamming, kids arguing, group therapy, broken down appliances and car, and me fantasizing about going for a long long walk except that I was too tired to go anywhere.
However, and this is a big however, I now know that I can’t judge today on the happenings of yesterday. Each day is new and full of incredible possibilities. I don’t dread days to come, but look forward to them. We still have plenty of bad days, but we are all so different than we were a year ago. I’ve never seen such growth in any of us as I have this past year. It’s been work, a lot of hard work. But guess what? I am so thankful for it.
I’m sitting here at my desk in the quiet of the morning wondering where my journal is. It’s been so long since I’ve written. I want to write of all the changes; tell of all the things God is doing in me and how easy it is to move forward when we finally buckle down and give in. It’s all about trust and surrender, giving up the “this isn’t how it was supposed to be” song, and moving forward. There was a time when I felt stuck in this life and would give up at any sign of failure. Shoot, it took me 3 years to make my first quilt because every time I made a mistake I put it away. The only reason I finished it was because my sweet friend paid for all the material and taught me how to do it. I didn’t want to waste that gift. Thanks Beca!
I went to San Diego for the first iLivingApp conference. Something in me has been different since then. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it changed, but I think it was about halfway through the weekend. I was nervous going there to meet a bunch a people I’ve never seen in real life. I wanted to document the whole thing in photos, and I did that to some degree, but it wasn’t what I was envisioning. I would sit in my seat to take photos and many of those are good, but I’d look around thinking of where I would be sitting or standing if I could get the shot I wanted. I’m pretty shy about taking event photos when I haven’t been hired to do so. However, there was a point on Sunday when John Marr got up there I was like, “Man, I am NOT going to miss this.”
You know what I think happened there and in the couple of weeks following? I’ve given myself permission to be Me. Not the “me” that I think I need to be or that others expect me to be. The Me that God is growing me into. I’m much more comfortable with myself and I’m sleeping better. I am not conflicted. I am quieter, can you believe that? I am more calm and confident.
I did a photoshoot of our associate support team yesterday. That felt good. I knew I did well. I was only unsure of the photos with me in it. Which brings me to the next point.
I am only unsure in a few things now. One of them is my constant battle with weight Thanks to a generous gift, I have everything I need to assist me in the weight loss. Why is is such a struggle? I know that some women just settle and enjoy the body they’re given. I don’t despise my body and I don’t think I’m ugly because I’m fat. However, I do know that this weight loss with unlock something in me. I know it’s a battle I must win. Days go by and I begin to wonder if this is something I can really do. I can feel myself trying to do better in other areas of my life in order to cover the fact that I’m failing at this one. Some of my friends are even giving up on really believing that I can do this. It’s ok, they’ve watched me for years. My track record in this area isn’t exactly great. Le sigh.
Daily I am reminded of gracious and generous God is. I had an old tax debt from when my husband and I were together. It would wipe out over half my earned income for a month. I received a cash gift to pay for that debt. I didn’t even know what to say about that one. I’m also surrounded by some pretty great people that love me. There is a peace about my friendships that wasn’t there before. A year ago I was struggling in letting go of some friendship and making some new ones. I felt vulnerable and afraid. This year I am sure in the friendships I am nurturing. It’s a good place to be.
All I know is that my life is not what it was a year ago. My family is on a journey, you may join us if you wish, but I won’t wait for you to catch up.
See you on the trail.