Five years ago when my husband and I split I would hear this song and cry. It was a hard choice to make to praise God when everything had crumbled around me. Knowing that God is good all the time and that all I needed was faith like a mustard seed helped me to not fall into the pit of despair.
I have been blogging for a little over 7 years now. I’ve written of the hard times with the kids, my personal battles, and always of the faithfulness of God. In the past year I took a 4 month break in writing.
Last fall and winter I was really struggling. I didn’t share that with many people and I didn’t blog about it. I felt like I had spent so much time on this blog speaking of all the hard times that it was a downer to read. I was encouraged by a friend to document it all because it would be an encouragement to somebody someday. I wanted to give up on this weight loss journey. I was angry about so many things. I was tired of taking the kids to therapy. I was tired of being so poor that bills couldn’t get paid. Christmas stresses me out even though I know that my kids don’t have high expectations. I couldn’t figure out which direction to head. I felt kind of alone. I mean, I have people around me, but I didn’t feel like I could share all of my heartache with them because there weren’t any answers they could give me.
So, I plugged away wasting countless hours each day. Unfocused, undisciplined, and full of excuses. Guess what? I also wasn’t praising God much in that hard time. I just looked in my gratitude journal and find that I did actually write a lot during that time, so I guess that’s good. I wish I would’ve written more about the struggles and the blessing in those. I wish I would’ve turned my focus back to Jesus earlier. It would’ve saved my heart from a lot of hurt, I’m sure. I was just focused on my self and my circumstance.
It wasn’t until that moment that I declared, “God, I know You are still good and I know You are a good provider. I will trust You even in this” that things started to change. Sometimes I wonder if they actually change or if I’ve just turned my eyes to focus elsewhere or if I’ve just adjusted the settings so I can see more clearly.
I don’t know. I don’t know much, actually, but I do know that I have a new set of tires and will soon have new shocks due to a gift from friends from church. I know that when God provides for me in some pretty amazing ways. These are the things I can easily share with the people around me. He does so more. He changes ME. The person I am right now is not who I was a few months ago. In fact, last week Christine from church was praying for my friend Erica and I. She said she had a picture of us sitting in front of a vanity with a big mirror and that the women we see today is not who we were a year ago. Amen and amen. I know it, I see it, I even feel it. I am not who I was.
God is at work here, people. Write it down so you can tell your children and they can tell their children. Don’t have kids? Tell someone else’s kids. I was telling Erica today that I’m so surprised every time God provides in some miraculous way for me, but Christopher isn’t. He has been raised seeing God’s goodness from the time he was a wee babe. It doesn’t surprise him at all. He has always been confident of God’s provision and is always thankful, but never surprised. I love that.
What is He doing in your life right now? You can’t see it? Ask Him to give you eyes to see. He’ll do it because He who promised is faithful.
My God, He is faithful and unwavering.
I want to be faithful and unwavering, too.