I am doing my best to stop saying and thinking, “I don’t have time.” I realize that it’s not whether or not I have it, but what I do with the time I have. Life moves quickly and sometimes I just give into riding the rapids of the day feeling out of control. Other days, I choose to leisurely float down the river with no other plans getting in the way. Today was one of those days. I had a couple of social events to attend, but I was able to relax on the couch for hours in the afternoon. It was so wonderful.
It is late at night now. I’ve had several conversations; some stirring in my heart.
Right now I am thinking about the lack of prayer in my life, of life moving and slipping away, of a friend dying. My heart is sad, but I am not without hope.
This past week I’ve been disgusted by the tone in which my kids speak to one another and with their attitude. So much so that I didn’t even want to deal with it. Then I look at my own heart and words. I told my friends this evening how I will sigh when a kid asks to spend time with me. I feel so worn. Yet, if any of my friends sighed at my question to spend time with them, I would be crushed. We talk of trying to yell less and becoming more loving. Sometimes it feels so hopeless.
On my drive home my good friend asked, “Why doesn’t anything change?” I immediately thought of the theme of my journal writings since I was 20 has been, “Dear Lord, help me be more wise with my money and time, help me to get up early, help me to love more, to be kind to my family, be a better wife, go to bed earlier, etc.” I wanted to tell her that it all gets easier and better and one day she won’t sin so much or struggle with so much. Is that true? Maybe. Or maybe as we grow stronger we come up against stronger weapons of the enemy.
We began to talk of our need to pray. I am a selfish pray-er. I joke about the time I prayed that my friend would get a job because I didn’t want to deal with his emotional state. He got a job offered to him a few hours later. I didn’t pray that job primarily for him. I pray for my day and my relationship and my kids pretty consistently. Outside of that, I’m not so good. I want that to change. I’m also not one to persist. Yet, I read testimonies of persistent prayer and the miracle God does.
Also, this week I’ve said to a couple of my friends that I complain too much. I was having a moment of feeling down and another friend said, “You need to go read that thankful book again!” (One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp). I gasped because it was true. My perspective had shifted my lens to focus on something else. I am really good about being negative and sarcastic. I don’t want that to be what describes my life.
I guess I don’t have a tidy little conclusion to this post. I don’t want to just write about these things. I am going to take action. I’m going to begin to actually spend time in prayer. I get up early. I’ll read my Bible, my devotion book, write in my journal, and pray a little. I still want to do those things, but I will be spending dedicated time in prayer. I don’t know what it will look like. I don’t have a plan. I just know there is something more that the Father wants from me.
He wants it all. Every part of my heart.
Lord, teach me to pray and teach me to hear. Open this heart of mine to more of You. Though I sigh at this next part and am tempted to dig in my heels, I ask that You would draw me to You and that my sinful flesh would burn away. I am a new creation. I want to walk in that newness every day. Give me Your heart. Give me Your eyes to see people around me as You see them and love them. I am Yours. All Yours.