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The photo above is by my 12 year old son, Sage. I found our little point and shoot camera and gave him free reign with it. Sometimes I gave him a  little direction. I’m looking forward to seeing what my kids come up with and what they see.

I love the Autumn. This year, more than most, I feel alive. I don’t know if it’s the bright days and cold nights or if turning 39 did something magical for me. All I know is that I feel different. The other night as I was falling asleep I wondered, “Is this what JOY looks like?” You know the kind I mean? Not “I’ve had a good day I feel happy” sort of joy, but the “My day was cruddy, but I am not without hope” sort of day. I didn’t want to announce to everyone that I think i know what joy is just in case I don’t. It’s stuck around for a few days so far, maybe even longer. Is that to say that it’s been easy?

No. I don’t think that anything worth having is easy.

We have many hard days. There are moment where I wonder if I can walk this road, but then I remember that of course I can walk this road. I was chosen to be the parents of these 4 children and to be exactly where I am in life at this moment. I also know that I’m not meant to stay right where I am so I dust off and keep moving forward.

However, there was time that I didn’t move forward. In fact, I’d get knocked down and I’d stay there until someone made me get up. Once I learned to stand, I counted it as “moving forward” when I was no longer losing ground. Now moving forward means exactly that. Sometimes I have days when it’s a snail’s crawl and other days when it’s a more like a greyhound. Actually, I don’t think I’m moving forward quite that quickly and I don’t know that we’re meant to.

All I know is that for as long as I remember I’ve wanted something different than the lives I’ve seen around me. Some part of me knew it was possible, but I wasn’t living that because I didn’t believe it. I now know and believe for better things.

Today’s ponderings: Proverbs says in chapter 19 that the one who keeps the commandments keeps their soul, but he who is careless of his ways will die. I find it interesting that “keeping” your soul and dying are opposite. I don’t know about you, but I want to keep my soul. I have been careless in my ways and I now know what that feeling was when I woke up in the mornings. It was my soul dying. This spurs me on to thinking about verses in the new testament about being watchful, diligent, putting on the armor of God, taking thoughts into captivity, etc. I think that being careless doesn’t need to mean that we’re out bar hopping and smoking dope. It can simply mean that we’re being watching and diligent, we’re just coasting along not putting forth any thought or effort.

Today I choose to not let my carelessness guide me, but to be thoughtful in the steps I take.