Do you have those days where you wake up feeling optimistic, even though it’s Monday, but then something just takes the wind right out of you?
Yesterday was that day.
It wasn’t even a big deal. It was just a stark reminder that life is messy and I’m having a hard time getting over it.
I’ve wanted to cry all day.
I’m more emotional than I used to be. In fact, the other day I sat here at my desk and cried while I listened to a recording of an old song from my friend, John Marr. The song is called Richest Man in the World, but it wasn’t the song itself that made me cry. It was the memory of me holding my tiny newborn baby Christopher while Kelly played bass for John’s band, whatever it was at the time. My Christopher is 7 months away from being 18. I wasn’t even crying over that, though.
I went to bed with a huge ache in my chest as a tear rolled down my face.
I was sad that I had hurt the little hearts of my children due to my lack of self-control. I wasn’t condemning myself, I was just sad.
The condemnation came later. I woke up today and started to feel the big left over feelings from yesterday, but I stopped them right away. I kept telling myself over and over, “There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Condemnation is a weapon of the enemy and any weapon formed again us will not prosper. While I was speaking truth to my spirit, I was also gentle with me.
I’m not always gentle. Isn’t that the way it always is? We’re so hard on ourselves, harder than anyone else would ever be. Grace is not my strong point. I’ve had a hard time accepting it and I have a hard time being gracious. Thankfully, the Lord is changing that in me. He’s giving me a heart for people outside of..well, me.
This weekend I was reminded of the story of a man who pushes his wheelchair bound son in marathons, triathlons, and other races. You may have heard of them, Team Hoyt. The son said to his dad, “When I run with you it’s as if all my disabilities go away.”
Let me say that again:
“When I run with you it’s as if all my disabilities go away.”
Powerful words. Do you hear that?
Years ago a man in my church at the time said, “Dar, it’s time for you to just run with God. He’s calling to you. Don’t stop to look around, it doesn’t matter who is with you. He’s with you. Go run.”
So, yesterday and today, though I didn’t feel like it, I chose Him over and over. I will walk through the muck and the mess and trust that God has the rest covered.
Each day I start my day off with a song called Speak to Me by Lennox. It’s my alarm clock. I’ll often end my day with this song, too, because I want God to speak to me all of the time, even as I sleep.
Speak to me
Words I can’t mistake for my imagination
Speak to me
Whisper on the wind,
blow my doubt away
Let the sun come shining through
I want to run with God and I want to hear Him.