Traditionally, Mother’s Day has been a source of pain and chaos in our home. Old hurts weigh us down like anchors. Our fears and hurts about mothers and mothering rise to the surface and we attack. I attack. Sometimes kids attack with their words and actions. The day has been a royal pain. Last year I called my best friend from my van crying, “I am a horrible mother. These kids are hurt. I am hurt. I said mean things. I can’t make this better. I’m never going back inside.” Well, I did. I can’t make it all better, but I can try.
A few days ago as I was driving along the highway I came to the realization that I needed to deal with some unresolved feelings. So I started talking to God about that. I am sad that I don’t have a mom to celebrate. For many years I tried to stuff that sadness. I mean, she died 30 years ago when I was 9, surely I should be over it, right? Well, get this. Being over it doesn’t mean not being sad. I gave myself permission to be sad. I talked to my kids about that. I said, “Hey, so this Mother’s Day thing is hard, isn’t it? Well, it’s not going to be hard this year. I’m sad. It’s ok to be sad. I know that you might be sad, too, and that’s totally ok. It is not ok for us to hurt one another because we hurt. This year, we are going to rock this Mother’s Day!”
I became a mother when I was 21. Christopher changed the way I looked at life. Suddenly I had this little baby who would quickly grow into a man. I felt so honored to be the one chosen to raise him. I still feel that way even though I fall so short. I thought that having a child meant that my Mother’s Day would be magical. I had an unrealistic expectation and because of that ideal, I was often hurt. However, my first one was very good.
I think I’d mostly get money from my dad to buy mom some perfume or something. However, when I was 9 years old I decided to do something a little different. I remember heading down to the local department store. I’m sure it had an official name, but we simply called it “The Department Store”. You could buy anything there! I chose a light blue felt rectangle, some googly eyes, white yarn with a silver thread running through it, a fake flower, and a needle. I have vague memories of my best friend, Peggy, being with me. I don’t know that she did the same thing, but we were often together. I can’t imagine that I did it without her there for at least some of the process.
I didn’t know this would be the last Mother’s Day gift I gave to my mom. [hug your mom, your friend, your kids, blah blah – no really, do it – i think these are things we say when we’re getting to be about 40]
I was so proud of that thing. I had never done anything like that before, or since. (Though I sometimes imagine I’m a fantastic embroidery artist. I just think it’s something I would enjoy doing as long as I could do it well!
So, this year rolls around and we’re going to have an awesome day. I didn’t entertain the thought of it being anything other than spectacular!
Guess what??? It was! My kids blessed me in so many ways!
We went to the Cheesecake factory and walked around Washington Square. We met lovely people at Lush. [I will be writing about them in a post later this week. They are a blast! We made friends with everyone in that store!]
I was loved on and well cared for this Mother’s Day.
Total win. Choices matter.
I chose love over fear.