I just got home from filming my third update video in my 90 day Zeal for Life challenge. It’s so hard for me to do those videos. First of all, I’m nervous and I feel like a total dork talking to the camera. I am getting much better at it. I knew I was under a time crunch because Lennox’s next appointment was at 9; I barely got out of there in time. Making these videos is so emotional for me. Last week was hardest, but I had some wind down time because we filmed in the evening. Today it worked out better to film in the morning right after my very sweaty workout. I rushed home to my real life waiting for me. I feel insecure and out of sorts. I don’t like the numbers on the scale this week. I don’t like how I say “um” and “so” a lot during filming. I look at my body and I wonder how on earth anyone finds me beautiful. I wonder if they’re liars and how it benefits them to lie to me. I also know that these thoughts are completely unfounded and are fueled only by my imaginations. I have the best group of friends you could ever find and they most certainly not liars. I tend to choose friends that have better vision than I do. They’re able to see more clearly. I believe they speak the truth.
In July of 2013 I did a 12 mile hike a few good friends. A few days before the hike I wrote a post about it called Brave or Crazy? I was scared. I am carrying at least an extra 120 lb on this body. The next day my good friend Sarah sent a message saying she read my blogs. Then she encouraged me by saying, “…but i also believe that are true selves are who we are made to be and the selves we perceive/see are not accurate. so may i suggest you rename yourself more true to what God, myself and many others already see in you and give no notice to what you may perceive in yourself? i say you are a fighter and determined and a perfect weight person trying to be fit and eat well. i love you whatever weight you are.” I thought of her words so many times as I was hiking. I texted her when I had finished and she replied, “You’re a hero, i knew you would do it even if u felt like u couldn’t.”
Two weeks later, on August 4 (exactly a year ago) she died. I feel a little sick inside typing that. I miss her. A lot. In her life here on earth she inspired me to walk with Jesus more fully, examining my heart and actions. I’m sure I think of her daily and am inspired by her love and the relationship she had with Jesus and the people around her. I am feeling so much about her, but I’m not ready to share that here.
After the hike I wrote a blog with lost of pictures, which means you don’t want to miss it because it’s seriously beautiful people. I titled that one Crazy Brave or Bravily Crazy. I’ve decided I’ll just call myself Brave because that’s what I am. I’m also whiny sometimes, but I expect that to change. I am Brave because I choose to do hard things. It’s a better story that way, anyway.
This past weekend I did the 5k Ladybug Run. I had sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago so I didn’t even try to jog the entire thing, but I did jog more than 2 miles of it. Immediately upon finishing I started thinking of the next 5k I’ll do and how fast I want that one to be. I was slow. Many walkers passed me, the very young and the much older. Every time one of them passed I’d think, “Yeah, well I’m going to be one heck of a strong runner once I shed this extra weight.” I believe that I will. My next scheduled run is the Color Vibe in Salem. You may remember that we did that last year on my 39th birthday. That was a GREAT birthday, but I expect my 40th to be even better! (If you want to join in the celebration by joining us in the Color Vibe be sure to let me know & I’ll give you the info you need.)
I want to say thank you to all the support I’ve been getting along this journey. You all inspire me to keep going. Love you!!!!!
YOU ARE ALL ROCK STARS!!!!!
Keep your eye out for this week’s update video. We’ll release it tomorrow for #TransformationTuesday
Until then, here’s a shot of Chani and I after the race. I must admit that I love my ladybug medal.