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“You are coming into a season where you are joyfully going to take responsibility for your blessing. You’re going to seek it, you’re going to go after it, you’re going to explore it, you’re going to discover it and you’re going to take steps of possession to take hold of it. Your inheritance is coming to you in Christ Jesus.”

My friend texted that to me the other day. It’s was a facebook status from Graham Cooke.

I have a vision of what I’d like my life to be. I used to imagine great things, but they were just useless dreams, right? I don’t come from a family of dreamers and achievers. My goals as a kid were to graduate without having a baby and to not have that baby until after I was married. I accomplished those things, but then what? I was operating in the mindset that I’ll do better than the rest of the girls in the family to make my daddy proud, but then what? He was proud and I was without goals.

I’m going to be 40 this year. I’ve spent much of my life trying to be just good enough. I don’t want that anymore. I want to live an extraordinary life story. I want to really fly like the eagles,  not be stuck pecking the ground like a chicken.

Many have come to me telling me that I’m a warrior or telling me of  a vision they’ve had of me. I wasn’t carrying the weight of another person on this body. Even in one of my healing prayer sessions I saw that God was giving me a gift of health. My excess weight is no longer needed to protect me from the hurts of the past. I am free. Yet, I wasn’t losing the weight. I thought it would be easy after that.

I was talking with my friend, Michelle, about that. She said many things that day, but the thing that stood out is, “Make your outside match your inside.”

That made me think about who I am? Who does God say I am? Who is the woman I want to become?

set up

These days you’ll find me toting an orange purse I recently bought because it caught my eye & cried out to me. I almost didn’t buy it because I wanted to be practical, but then I decided that I wanted to be surrounded by things that make my heart sing. My purse is like a little pocket of joy reminding me of who I am when the harshness of this life blinds me. You’ll also find me hitting the gym each morning and fitting in a couple of shorter workouts throughout the day. I’ve recently made it a priority to read books. I love to read. I also enjoy writing a lot. Both of those things have been pushed to the side, but I’m realizing that when I make them a  priority the rest of my life actually feels more manageable. I was going to say balanced, but I’m beginning to think that being balanced is a myth and maybe we’re not meant to be.

My biggest challenge is transforming my body into the best version of me. I’ve been discouraged because I’ve walked this road before and never made it to my destination. I’ve allowed myself to beat me up about that. Yet, there’s this verse I have posted on my wall that says, “…whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things. – Philippian 4:8″

I spend a lot of time talking to myself. Today I was working out and I started thinking, “This is too hard. I am too heavy for this. My shoulders are tired. I can’t go on.” Then I quickly changed it to, “This IS hard. I’ve done this before. I was able to do more than this. I can do it again. I am strong. I am getting stronger. It’s okay to cry.” I think I even let out a little whimper then. I really thought I was going to cry, but I couldn’t figure out what that would accomplish so I didn’t.

Here’s the thing, I don’t want to live a life of  limitations. If it’s true that nothing is impossible with God and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, then that’s the life I want. The Bible says that God gives us the desires of our hearts. I don’t think that means He gives us what we want just because we want it. I think it means that He puts desire in our hearts. Then we pray for it and work toward it and seek Him in it.

I also want my kids to be dreamers. I don’t want them to play the game of being just good enough. I don’t want them to think, “Well, at least I don’t….or at least I…..” you can fill in the blank. I want them to have a dream and go after it. I want them to love Jesus and have good relationships around them. I want them to have healed hearts and transformed lives.

I want the impossible things. I want my life to tell the story of how the Lord did impossible, crazy, and amazing things in my life. So, I’ll fight for it. I’ll go after it. On those days that I think what I do won’t matter I’ll ask to be reminded of people who obeyed the Lord and changed His Kingdom. I will choose it with joy. A joy that may involve a lot of sad tears because really, this life is hard and fighting battles all day long make me weary.

Still, I will choose Jesus.

Still, I will choose to exercise though my body feels frail, I know i am getting stronger. My first week back at working out was hard. The second week was better, but I was discouraged. The third week was much better. I can see progress in my strength. I didn’t see myself getting stronger. I saw myself struggling. Then one day I noticed I was stronger than before. 25

Let me ask you some questions? Who are you? Who does the Father say you are? Are you walking in that? What are you doing to be who you are called to be? What is He speaking to you these days?

 

Chani, Walking on Water, and Random Thoughts

my_chani_laughs_wmThis is my best friend, Chani. She and I could spend hours together and never tire of one another. We’ve done that before when we went to Canada, but it’s never enough hours. Last weekend we headed out on another journey to attend a retreat with other foster/adoptive moms. This time we picked up a few more passengers on the way.

The planning of this trip has been a little crazy for me. When Chani first introduced me to the idea I was so very against it. I just didn’t feel like I could face meeting more women and getting real with them. It’s so exhausting. I didn’t want to think about the finances. (I didn’t think much about them and I kind of regret that now.) Then suddenly I was so very for us going and she wasn’t so sure. I’m not sure how many times we flip flopped on the issue. At some point we decided yes and I prodded her into sending in her registration. Once we did that, it was done. We put money down on it. We had to go.

The day before we were to leave I texted her, “WE ARE NOT GOING. THIS IS A DUMB IDEA. I DON’T WANT TO GO!” I can’t remember what she texted back. It was probably something funny.

So, Friday morning I go pick her up, we talk about all the hiccups in the getting ready to depart. She’s still running around a little frantically. It’s a lot of work to leave the family for a weekend! I was already feeling free since my kids were dispersed and things in order on my end.

As I said, I was a little intimidated by the the sheer amount of women there. Oh holy heck, am I going to have to talk about myself 30 different times. Please don’t make me talk to you strange people. On the other hand, it is such an incredibly great feeling to be with women who completely understand your life with your kids. Not one of those women would say, “Oh, that’s normal. All kids do that.” Though they may say, “My kids do that, too!” You look at one another and you just know that you’re not in this alone. You’ve got others fighting this battle of leading their children to healing. If you talked to Chani she’d say I was WAY more freaked out on our first night in Canada than with this one. To be fair, I was sleep deprived on our Canada trip. I kept telling her that I just couldn’t be there. What was I going to do, though? I couldn’t just leave. I knew that God made a way for me to be here and that it would be good. I had to quiet my fears.

The next morning I wake and leave my bunk room to go for a walk. It was so nice. I wandered. Occasionally I wondered if I could find my way back, but I didn’t care. I was enjoying my solitude.

lake_wm

 

I sat on that bench at the end of the dock  for a long time. I thought about how Jesus and calmed the stormy waters. I’ve never been in a boat when there’s a storm, but I can understand how frightening that could be. It was bad enough that these seasoned fishermen came to Him as he was sleeping saying, “Teacher do You not care that we are perishing?” Then when He calmed the waters they wondered who he was that even the sea and the waves obey Him.

Who is He, indeed?

Then there was that time that He was walking on the water & called Peter to Him. Peter was doing it. He asked the Lord to call him out upon the water, so He did. Peter steps out of the boat walking toward Jesus, but then sees that it’s windy and begins to sink. Jesus asked Peter why he doubted. I wonder if looking away from Jesus is the same as doubting.

Peter lost his focus.

I must admit that I wanted to walk on that water. I wondered what would happen if I just stepped out. What does walking on water feel like? I want to know.

Time and again, I’ve asked the Lord to use me for His Kingdom. I’ve told Him I’d do anything for Him, no matter how hard it is. I know He has called me to great and difficult things. He is faithful to answer my prayers, sometimes I don’t pray them because I’m afraid of what it will means when He answers. What will be required of me? Yet, there are things in my heart that nudge me and before I know it I pray the thing.

Like Peter, I am impulsive to blurt things, but I easily lose focus. (I’m sure this blog post can attest to that!)

Yesterday I was texting Chani about some of my frustrations. At the retreat I shared my personal adoption story and learning that I have the same attachment issues as my children. I realize that my story gives hope to people, but it doesn’t give me hope. I feel like I don’t know what’s happening or even if my kids will make the choice to heal. This is her reply: “What if she grows up and does hard things, like, self sacrificial, orphan care hard things… what if she grows up to fight for healthy relationships and give people hope who don’t otherwise have any… success?? Yes, my friend. Believe in your story. It is good.”  

When I related that I wanted something great in me to be released. She’s there. She’s in me, but I’m not letting her out. My Chani says, “I think that what happens is happening, one step at a time my beautiful warrior, back on the horse, live to fight another day, turn a new leaf, etc etc etc.”

Then when I told her my fear of being replaced she assures me, “You babycakes, are irreplaceable. We smart people know that. No question.” She had all the right words for me yesterday.

Can you believe that earlier that day I was lamenting over the fact that I haven’t any friends who remind me who I am and call me to greatness when I need it. Maybe I needed to feel the lack to see that I don’t lack that at all.

I was just about to send publish for this blog when I realized something.  I found the reason why I was having a hard time believing in my story. I was focusing on MY story. This isn’t MY story at all, is it? It’s His Story. God. It’s all His. Ha! Wow. Ok. Got it! Seriously. Wow.

This isn’t about you or me. It’s His story in us. We have a choice to live it or not. I choose His story.

How about you?

 

Mother’s Day 2014

Isn't this just the most adorable thing you've ever seen? It's me. I know, it's arrogant to say what I just said, but look at me. Is it weird that I look at this and I think what a wonderful thing it would be to pick up this baby and tell her how wonderful she is?

Isn’t this just the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen? It’s me. I know, it’s arrogant to say what I just said, but look at me. Is it weird that I look at this and I think what a wonderful thing it would be to pick up this baby and tell her how wonderful she is?

Traditionally, Mother’s Day has been a source of pain and chaos in our home. Old hurts weigh us down like anchors. Our fears and hurts about mothers and mothering rise to the surface and we attack. I attack. Sometimes kids attack with their words and actions. The day has been a royal pain. Last year I called my best friend from my van crying, “I am a horrible mother. These kids are hurt. I am hurt. I said mean things. I can’t make this better. I’m never going back inside.” Well, I did. I can’t make it all better, but I can try.

A few days ago as I was driving along the highway I came to the realization that I needed to deal with some unresolved feelings. So I started talking to God about that. I am sad that I don’t have a mom to celebrate. For many years I tried to stuff that sadness. I mean, she died 30 years ago when I was 9, surely I should be over it, right? Well, get this. Being over it doesn’t mean not being sad. I gave myself permission to be sad. I talked to my kids about that. I said, “Hey, so this Mother’s Day thing is hard, isn’t it? Well, it’s not going to be hard this year. I’m sad. It’s ok to be sad. I know that you might be sad, too, and that’s totally ok. It is not ok for us to hurt one another because we hurt. This year, we are going to rock this Mother’s Day!”

My mama and me. Look at that hair. Seriously people! Those are some pinchable cheeks right there!

My mama and me. Look at that hair. Seriously people! Those are some pinchable cheeks right there!

I became a mother when I was 21. Christopher changed the way I looked at life. Suddenly I had this little baby who would quickly grow into a man. I felt so honored to be the one chosen to raise him. I still feel that way even though I fall so short. I thought that having a child meant that my Mother’s Day would be magical. I had an unrealistic expectation and because of that ideal, I was often hurt. However, my first one was very good.

A page from my scrapbook. This boy wasn't thrilled with the sand, but he got over it.

A page from my scrapbook. This boy wasn’t thrilled with the sand, but he got over it.

A close up of little Christopher. Look at his cheeks! Oh, that boy. I am still smitten by him. He has always been such an incredible gift to me.

A close up of little Christopher. Look at his cheeks! Oh, that boy. I am still smitten by him. He has always been such an incredible gift to me.

I think I’d mostly get money from my dad to buy mom some perfume or something.  However, when I was 9 years old I decided to do something a little different. I remember heading down to the local department store. I’m sure it had an official name, but we simply called it “The Department Store”. You could buy anything there! I chose a light blue felt rectangle, some googly eyes, white yarn with a silver thread running through it, a fake flower, and a needle. I have vague memories of my best friend, Peggy, being with me. I don’t know that she did the same thing, but we were often together. I can’t imagine that I did it without her there for at least some of the process.

I didn’t know this would be the last Mother’s Day gift I gave to my mom. [hug your mom, your friend, your kids, blah blah - no really, do it - i think these are things we say when we're getting to be about 40]

I have NO idea why I wrote "We Love Mom". Who is we???

I have NO idea why I wrote “We Love Mom”. Who is we???

I was so proud of that thing. I had never done anything like that before, or since. (Though I sometimes imagine I’m a fantastic embroidery artist. I just think it’s something I would enjoy doing as long as I could do it well!

So, this year rolls around and we’re going to have an awesome day. I didn’t entertain the thought of it being anything other than spectacular!

Guess what??? It was! My kids blessed me in so many ways!

We went to the Cheesecake factory and walked around Washington Square. We met lovely people at Lush. [I will be writing about them in a post later this week. They are a blast! We made friends with everyone in that store!]

This is a card from Sage. I thought it was the most adorable thing ever! He loves me more than the rest of them! Haha!

This is a card from Sage. I thought it was the most adorable thing ever! He loves me more than the rest of them! Haha!

Ireland's card. The "raining" part is supposed to go with the "love". She asks me, "Do you like the raining Love part, mommy?" Yes, sweet one, very much.

Ireland’s card. The “raining” part is supposed to go with the “love”. She asks me, “Do you like the raining Love part, mommy?” Yes, sweet one, very much.

What a little gift giver Ireland is. She made me a calm down bottle. It's glitter and water. When you're angry you shake it and wait for the glitter to stop swirling. By then you should be calm. Hilarious. She knows I need it.

What a little gift giver Ireland is. She made me a calm down bottle. It’s glitter and water. When you’re angry you shake it and wait for the glitter to stop swirling. By then you should be calm. Hilarious. She knows I need it.

Breakfast of Champions & Warriors. Oranges, scrambled eggs, and ice cream prepared by Ireland. She had the first and last bites of my ice cream...and several in between!

Breakfast of Champions & Warriors. Oranges, scrambled eggs, and ice cream prepared by Ireland. She had the first and last bites of my ice cream…and several in between!

Christopher made art for me. (He tells me this picture is upside down.) I love that he made me this.

Christopher made art for me. (He tells me this picture is upside down.) I love that he made me this.

Dusty chose to spend the day with her dad, but before I dropped her off she prepared a bag for me with my healthy snacks and shakes. She made sure I knew where my keys were and filled up a water bottle for me.

Dusty chose to spend the day with her dad, but before I dropped her off she prepared a bag for me with my healthy snacks and shakes. She made sure I knew where my keys were and filled up a water bottle for me.

 

Whitney (Christopher's girlfriend) joined us today, too. It was their 1 year anniversary. I'm not sure why neither Ireland or Sage can't just be normal in pictures!

Whitney (Christopher’s girlfriend) joined us today, too. It was their 1 year anniversary. I’m not sure why neither Ireland or Sage can’t just be normal in pictures!

 

I was loved on and well cared for this Mother’s Day.

Total win. Choices matter.

I chose love over fear.

Love Wins.

Always.

 

Beauty in Chaos

tulips

Today is hard. I have no words. I’ve exercised and got in an extra run today.

I have to dig deep today. I need to find space to breathe.

I don’t know how.

I feel at a loss these days and nobody has a solution.

I am tempted to not be honest with people when they ask how I am.

I am looking to hide.

That never turns out well. So, I won’t hide.

I’ll be more careful, though.

My kids are in a tough place & parenting them is hard.

Parenting them alone wears me out.

At the end of the day it’s just me.

And Jesus.

Right?

Jesus is here.

He is enough.

That’s what we say.

Is it true?

Today, I’m just not sure.

 

 

Moved to Tears

There I was, innocently perusing facebook when I saw a friend’s post about a live video that the Huffington post had just aired. Right away I shared and asked people to watch it. I know that people don’t understand when I’m trying to explain my kids’ behaviors. I wouldn’t have understood either. I continued to watch while multiple emotions washed over me. I relieved to be reminded that I’m not the only one. Then I cried because it’s not always a happy ending. I found myself thinking, “Oh, that happens here, too. Ok, it’s normal for them.” Then hating that there is a “them”, that it IS different no matter what I do. When the video ended I just sat at my desk and cried.

Please watch this 3o minute video. It briefly touches on what it’s like to live with children who have attachment disorder. Link below.

Raising a kid with reactive attachment disorder

A Better Story

books

My newest books – waiting to be read. I’m so looking forward to reading them!

I have always loved books. Pictures and words put together creating a world that whisks me away to another time and land. A place where I could be anybody but myself. If you can read you can learn anything. Want to cook? Fix  your car? Raise a child? Ok, that last one is kind of a gamble. There is no book to tell you how to do that perfectly.

As a child I had a favorite place I’d go where I would spend hours upon hours. I possessed a special green card with my name on it that granted me access to other worlds. It was magical. The walls were lined with books about everything you’d even need or want to know. Books as different as the people that walk this earth. All with a unique story. Never two exactly the same. I loved the story of the struggle and the overcoming. I thrived on learning new things about people and places. I still dream  of having a home large enough to dedicate a room to books and the reading of those.

Several years ago I began to read Donald Miller’s blog. During that time he introduced me to the idea of living a better story. I was intrigued by the idea that I could have more of a say in what happens in my life. I’m now reading his book, “A Million Miles In A Thousand Years“. It’s his story of how he learned to live a better story through the process of taking his book (Blue Like Jazz) from book to film. It was a steep and life changing learning curve for him.

It’s making a difference in my every day life. I don’t like getting in shape and pushing my 200+ pounds up a hill panting like I’m going to die as cars whiz by. It’s humiliating and it hurts. I’ve been getting through it by thinking, “This is the making of a good story. It is the transformation from ordinary to extraordinary. The Bible says I am a new creation so I’m going to walk in that. My friend recently said to me, “Make your outsides match your insides.” I am who God has created me to be and is calling me to be. All I have to do is walk in that.

It’s simple. Right?

It IS simple, but it’s also hard. It’s a battle. We have an enemy that prowls around looking for whom he can devour. He is the father of lies coming to steal and destroy every good thing. Guess what? That doesn’t have to happen. We have a choice in that! Flee from him. Draw near to God. Take our thoughts into captivity. Think on the things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things. Change our thinking. Be grateful. Armor up. There’s a song I used to sing to my kids, it says, “I’ve got my feet shod up with the preparation of peace, I’ve got the sword of the Spirit, my shield of faith, I’ve got my breastplate of righteousness, my helmet of salvation – put on the armor and I’m ready for the battle.” (I may have missed some parts, it’s been YEARS since I’ve thought of that song.)

Who are you? Do you know who you are called to be and what you are called to do? What is your passion? What are you doing today to live a better story? If you aren’t living your best story, why not? Let’s figure out how to change that.

In the Studio with Lennox

 Sitting on the cold hard wood floor in a large room where cords and guitars hang on the wall I kept thinking, “I am a blessed woman” and “I’m the luckiest girl in the world”!

First, a little back story. Nearly 6 years ago I found myself in a dark place. I believed only a little and I slept many days away. Lennox would remind me of who I am, but more importantly who Christ is and who I am in Him. I had a hard time sleeping at night, though the day I slept just fine. So, I asked friends to pray and I created an 8 hour song list in iTunes that would play all night. One of those songs is titled “Wings” by Lennox.

So when your heart is broken
You can’t even breathe
Spirit is willing,
but you’re tired and weak
Don’t let yourself worry
Do not be afraid
Remember what He told you
Remember what he said…..

For the rest of that go over to Lennox’s site and follow along as the song gets recorded. Be one of the first to hear it in its completion.

So there I was, hearing a completely remaking of one of his old songs. A song that helped me hold on, it reminded me that God said I would fly on the wings of an eagle, walk and not faint. Rest on the Lord and He will renew my strength. That’s all I need to do. Rest. Simple, right?

So there Lennox was in the sound booth. I saw something incredible. I saw the Spirit of God flowing through him and speaking through him. This is what Lennox was made to do. Speak the heart of the Father through music. One day when we were talking about his latest project I saw a spark in him I’ve not seen for some time. There was light.

His voice is coming through the headphones and I’m remembering the woman I once was. Afraid. Worthless. Covered in shame. Unlovable. Frozen. So very broken and mostly convinced that I could never be not broken. Hopeless. I would’ve said I have hope because that’s what good Christians do. Now, who do I think I am? I think I am a pretty amazing piece of work. I really do, but it isn’t because of my own merit or goodness. God is good and His word is true. He changes lives. All I did was hang in there. I say “hang in there” as if it wasn’t work. It was hard work to just hang on sometimes, but it got easier because I got stronger.

All I know that there was a moment when Lennox was singing the bridge that something in that place changed. He looked different and sounded better. My heart got soft and tears came to my eyes. I nearly cried, like actually full on cried. I sat there looking down at the floor because this kind of softness is so new to me, I’m a little embarrassed by it.

I am so looking forward to the completion of this song. I don’t write about or promote Lennox because he’s my friend. I have lots of friends who are musicians that I don’t endorse. I like his music before I knew him as my friend.

You can hear more from him at lennoxfleary.com.

Follow him on twitter at: www.twitter.com/lennoxfleary
Facebook: www.facebook.com/lennoxflearymusic
Youtube: www.youtube.com/flearylennox

Check him out, tell him I sent you. Let’s follow his journey together. It’s going to be a great ride!

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