Scale Tales

I totally stole that title from my one of my very favorite people, Cathy Zielske. She’s a hilarious scrapbooking graphic designing wife, mom, and lover of dogs not her own. She recently wrote a post titled “Tales From The Scales: Reloaded“. I found myself identifying with her on so many levels. Without knowing it she and I were beginning to take the same steps toward the same goal. For instance, the day before she posted that entry I had bought myself a new pair of workout shoes to go along with my new membership to the local gym. After reading her blog, I joined her in signing up for Weight Watchers online. I don’t have time for the meetings, but I like the concept of Weight Watchers. I also like perhaps I can find encouragement from total strangers that are struggling in the same way that I am. I don’t have many fat friends and I don’t know that any of those friends are in a place where they want jump on board with me. I need the encouragement.

Christopher took a before picture of me that I guess I’ll  post here so that in several months I can look back and think, “Oh my gosh, how did I let myself get there!?!” Then again, there’s this huge risk. I’ve made myself all public about this before and I’ve failed miserably. Everyone watched me lose weight. They were so encouraging at the gym and church. I was always being praised. One guy once told me, “Oh Dar Dar, you’ll be so beautiful when you lose weight. I can’t wait to see your cheekbones.” Then the weight starts coming back. What do people say then? Nobody knows what to say, so nothing is said. Then I am embarrassed and ashamed.

Maybe I should mention that I’ve been watching the 8th season of The Biggest Loser. I know that the results are extreme, but still, isn’t it inspiring? These people can’t even walk a mile on the first day without feeling like they’re going to die. A few of them end up running a marathon 12 weeks later. That’s pretty impressive. That’s life-changing. If they can accomplish that, they can accomplish anything, right?

I lost 47 lb. when I did the Biggest Loser contest at Cindy’s gym. Then something happened. Something broke in me and I decided it wasn’t worth it. It really didn’t matter. Losing weight is hard and it wouldn’t save my marriage. So, I started eating to cover the pain. Then my marriage ended. I’d stop eating for awhile. I traded eating for sleeping. Sleeping takes less energy than eating. Then I’d eat and eat and eat. So, I’d gain and gain. I gained until I was right back to where I started in the first place. I thought I’d die. I wanted to die.

Over the course of the past year and a half my health has gone downhill. I don’t sleep through the night. I wake up coughing and throwing up. I can barely eat or drink without throwing up. It’s quite discouraging. I’m always feeling sick. Yet, there is good news. I mentioned in an earlier post that I am going to a doctor. I started seeing results after the first day of taking my supplements. I was able to sleep uninterrupted by coughing and vomiting. Then a week later, I hit a hard spot. I accidentally ate something with oats in it. Everything was messed up for about 4-5 days. I couldn’t eat or drink and I couldn’t sleep. Then I ended up with a migraine that lasted for several days. Finally, or at least I think it’s finally, I came down with this huge sinus headache cold that had wiped me out for three full days. I was feeling greatly discouraged. However, yesterday is the first day in probably over a year that I haven’t thrown up after eating or drinking. Also, I slept all through the night except for dealing with a dog and cat, but it wasn’t because I was waking up by vomiting. That is huge. Gigantic. Gargantuan. I am still very tired, but I’m still getting over this sinus thing.

At this moment, I am hopeful.

Monday is my weigh in day. I’m hoping that will help me to not binge on the weekends which is what happens if I set my weigh in day to Friday or Saturday. Anyway, I will be designing my workout and planning my meals again. Weighing, measuring, counting, oh my. Although, I am not going to be so obvious of vocal about it because Dusty is watching and has started doing weird things concerning food. My family doesn’t realize it, but their meals will change, too. Sage already complains about eating salad. Oh what fun this will be!

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. My before picture taken by  Christopher. My starting weight that morning (1/18/10) 235.6, but I’m rounding up to 236. That put me at 15 lbs. over what I was when I ended boot camp at the gym. That doesn’t sound too bad, but I am terribly out of shape now. I was strong back then.

This always happens!

I sit down to write my blog and my mind is blank. My thoughts are scattered and I can’t remember what I waxing eloquent about while driving along the country roads. Man, I write the most beautiful blogs while driving. It’s absolutely amazing!

Aside from the raging migraine I’m still fighting, I’ve been having a great time. My days and weeks are full. I’m learning how important it is to manage my time wisely. Next I’ll learn how to do it.

Over the past year or so I’ve had quite a few health issues that have been alarming to me. My good friend, Shannon, recommended Dr. Popp in Woodburn. So far it’s been a great experience. He is kind, gentle, thorough, and a good listener. He doesn’t make me feel stupid for the shape my body is in. I know it’s my fault. I won’t go into my specific health issues, but I will say that after one day of taking the whole food supplements I slept all through the night. I haven’t done that for months…maybe even over a year. Also, it looks like my hormones may be balancing out. That’s a relief. I go back every week for several weeks to check in. I should mention that he is affordable. His goal is to help his patients feel better.

I had a great time doing a photo shoot with Lennox. It knocked my socks off. Well actually, it was my shoes. I walked right out of my shoes in the middle of a very muddy field. One minute I’m walking along snapping photos, the next minute I’m walking out of my shoes. The mud stole my shoes. Lennox carried my shoes and camera out of the field for me. That left me to walk out of it in my socks. Can we say all say “yuck” together? I was laughing the entire time, though.

photo by Lennox Fleary

Ah, then it was time for the weekend. The beautiful, fun-filled weekend. Friday we walked down to Slow Train Coffee and Teahouse to listen to Isaac, Anthony, and Lennox play music.  There were others, too, but I was too late to hear them. I love going to the coffee shop for music. There’s good food, warm drinks, good music, and good conversation with great people. It’s like hanging out with family, except there isn’t any fighting. The coffee shop has seriously helped me to love living in Sheridan. This is my community. This is where I belong.

Lennox

Saturday brought National Pie Day to my home. I had planned this party long before I knew it was actually National Pie Day. Who thinks up these things, anyway? Scads of people began to show up. Pie crusts were being made, recipes looked up, recipes messed up, and yummy pie creations. It was such a blast that I didn’t actually take pictures of the pies. Maybe next time. Oh, and the best part is that my kitchen was all clean at the end of the night.

Sunday I joined a group of friends to head up to Portland to see my friends’ band, In My Opinion. It was amazing! I was so impressed with the drummer, Anthony. It’s been a long time since a drummer has impressed me. Quite honestly, I didn’t know if I would enjoy it. I had only heard Isaac in an acoustic setting, which I totally love. I also had the opportunity to take pictures at the show. This was really the first time I’ve taken concert shots. It’s a little nerve wracking, actually.

Isaac

Monday brings a migraine. I have an essay on that. I think everybody who knows a migraine sufferer should read it. I’ll have to post it one of these days. I knew that I would be getting one. My health has been getting better. However, I have been instructed to stay completely away from oats. I didn’t realize that I was eating something with oats in it last Thursday. Since then I’ve had trouble sleeping and trouble keeping my food down. My stomach has been in pain and very sensitive. My major migraine triggers are lack of food and sleep. So, it was no surprise when it did arrive, but it certainly wasn’t welcomed.

This coming weekend brings more music. I’ll be heading to the High Rack in McMinnville to catch Lennox, In My Opinion, and Auburn. More pictures will be taken, of course. I only hope they turn out great. I’m not sure what to expect as far as the set up and lighting. I didn’t bring my entire set up to the Portland show, but maybe I will for the McMinnville one. The following night I’ll head to my hometown to listen to music I’ve never heard of at the Wildwood. I grew up with the sisters who own it and I love what they’ve done to the place. It was called Vic’s when I was a kid. My dad and I ate there every day after my mom died. Though it looks different it still gives me the feeling of coming home. Who says you can’t go home? (Even if it’s Willamina.) I still feel like an outsider. I look at the familiar faces and wonder if they remember me?

Anthony

I’ve been thinking about choices lately. What do I do with my days? My thoughts? My actions? Am I ready for change? Do I really want to change? I am great at procrastinating. That’s not something I want to be good at. I need to have a plan. I do have a plan, sort of. I need to implement that plan. I need to work harder. Always harder, right? Maybe not harder, just more effective. I tend to freeze when I get overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed far too often. This becomes a vicious cycle. This must stop. I really like reading the blog posts from Tsh (pronounced “Tish”) over at Simple Mom. She lives up to the title. Her methods help simplify things. I’m ready to start using my brain binder/household notebook/control journal again. I printed off her daily docket. I filled it out today, but was still struggling with a migraine. I like it because it forces me to list only 10 things to do that day, then choose 3 of those to be my MITs (Most Important Tasks). The form also has a place to fill in a sort of time line to help keep myself on task. I printed off several copies and will be making myself use them. I also printed off a 6 page worksheet of goal setting questions. I need specific questions to get me started in the process. I need to make my goals specific and be able to break them down into mini-goals. You can find both of those resources here.

Livin’ it Up!

I am really enjoying my life right now. Seriously. Life is good. I sleep during normal sleeping hours now. It’s not nearly enough, but I’m getting there. I cook AND do the dishes that same day. I’m not falling asleep while driving. I don’t feel like I’m drowning in the depths of despair.

New Year’s Eve was my last night of work. I had given my notice 3 weeks earlier.

God is so good, isn’t He? The job was there when I needed it. I wrote a blog about how it all worked out in the beginning. It was this blog that prompted a friend to prayer that eventually led to my being able to quit. You see, my friend read the blog and thought it would be better for me to stay home with the kids. I agree. My friend asked God for money to give to me every  month. Guess what God did? Yep, He did it. I didn’t quit right away because I was scared. Why would I be scared when God was showing me His faithfulness? I don’t know, but I do know that I was behind in bills and my kids needed clothes that actually fit them. Well, and maybe there was pride in there as well. I didn’t want to be that needy single mom that just sat around raising her kids and expecting everyone else to take care of her. Have you ever known one of those? I have and it’s not pretty. I don’t want to be like that.

Three months pass. I’m stressed. I cry a lot. I yell a lot. I sleep a little. I don’t do a good job parenting my children. The same children that now go to public school and see their birth mom there. The same children who need me to be safe and strong for them. Life becomes so hard at home. Crying kids. Yelling kids. Mean kids. We’re all angry. I can’t get my college work done. Oh, and I did get the swine flu, too. That was horribly painful, but at least I was able to rest. Did I mention that I cried a lot? I felt so alone. I didn’t get to see any of my friends. My kids didn’t get to have other adults around because I was so tired. Oh, and we won’t even talk about how bad of a diet we all ate. The kids loved that part, though.

I finally decide to quit. Just to make sure, though, I call a good friend. He reminds where the provision really comes from. Jehovah Jireh. He also reminded me of the importance of being a woman of faith over being a hard-working single mom. Thanks, friend.

I think I needed those months of work to show me that I truly can’t do it all. I needed it to teach me the value of time and sleep. Oh lovely sleep, how I’ve missed you. I feel like I’m back to the land of the living.

Here’s the super exciting thing! I’ll get back to taking pictures. I was so tired before. I couldn’t muster the energy. Not only will I enjoy taking pictures again, but I’m also taking a photography class. The instructor is Susan Ragan. She was a photographer for the Associated Press for decades! She is a real photographer. Check out her gallery. I look forward to learning from her. The other night she asked if I took the photography class for an easy A, as she thought I was too advanced for the class. I told her that I knew who she is and I know I have much to learn. I look forward to spending time with her. She actually lives here in Sheridan.

I have an appointment with a doctor to go over the findings of my last appointment. I’m having a ton of digestive issues that makes life quite miserable at times. It also messes with my sleep. I also met with a personal trainer down at the local gym; I’ll be meeting with her again next week.

I also have a new family member. Her name is Ginger. She’s 3 months old. She’s a tri-color border collie. Well, she’s 3/4 border collie and 1/4 rottweiler. Oh, and she’s adorable. I’ll post a picture as soon as I get a good one of her.

I must leave this lovely blog and move on to editing wedding photos and prepare for a wedding reception tomorrow.

Whirlwind

I sit down at the end of what feels like a long day. My desktop, my real one-not the virtual one, is piled high with papers and books waiting to be put in their proper place. A huge mound of clean clothes covers my bed. My washer and dryer are running.  There are many things I didn’t accomplish today, but for once, that does not upset me.

I didn’t start off with a huge list of things I wanted to get done today. I did make a list, but I titled it To Do This Week. See, the pressure was off. It’s only Monday and I have a whole week to accomplish these things. I did 4 of the 14 things today. There were a lot of things I did that weren’t on the list. There were also a lot of things I didn’t do that I usually do when I get frustrated. All in all, I am pretty pleased with my day.

I’ve been contemplating what my word for the year will be. At first I was thinking words like determination, courage, focus—all things I need to work on. None of them seemed to fit very well. Then in church I was making a diagram of words in my journal—just writing down whatever came to mind. One word kept popping out: renew. That’s it. A time to Renew. I don’t completely understand what it means or will mean in the year to come. Last year I chose the word Valor. (I wrote about that here.) I don’t know that I’ve become a Woman of Valor. I also wouldn’t say that I’m moving away from that vision. Perhaps I just have a clear idea of the kind of woman I want to be one day.

I sat the kids down before dinner and had a talk with them. I told them about this word and how I didn’t think it is meant for just me, but for us as a family. I explained that the kids would be taking a one month break from all outside activities such as ballet and gymnastics. I need this month to focus, plan, and figure out our daily routine. I talked about how Satan wants to tear us down. He wants to prevent us from glorifying God and that we must not allow that to happen. Change needs to happen. We are not loving eachother, we are not being kind, we are tearing each other down. This is not how we are supposed to be living. Things are going to change. We prayed and we read:

Romans 12:1-2, “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. ² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

2 Timothy 3:16, “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

Psalm 119:9-16,

“How can a young man cleanse his way?

By taking heed according to Your word.

With my whole heart I have sought You;

Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!

Your word I have hidden in my heart,

That I might not sin against You.

Blessed are You, O LORD!

Teach me Your statutes.

With my lips I have declared

All the judgments of Your mouth.

I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,

As much as in all riches.

I will meditate on Your precepts,

And contemplate Your ways.

I will delight myself in Your statutes;

I will not forget Your word.”

Philippians 4:8,

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

Ephesians 6:10-20, “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;  above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints— and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.”

Draw near to God. That’s what I want us to be doing right now. Personally, I want to be saturated in His word that I can’t help but to meditate on it. I want to know the truth and walk in it with my family. I want to serve those around me and strengthen the community I live in. Who would’ve ever thought I’d love this town, eh?

New Year’s Eve was my last night at work. God is providing for me through something else. I wasn’t fully on board with that idea for a few months, though. I was afraid, but I don’t want to walk in fear anymore. I will trust Him in everything. I will walk in obedience even when it doesn’t make sense.

My heart swells with excitement at the things to come this year. I haven’t a clue what the year holds and I don’t know that I’d want to know.

Word of the Year

2008 brought heartbreak beyond comprehension. My marriage ended. I stayed in bed for months. Seriously. I watched my kids hurts. My life, as I knew it, had drastically changed. I wanted something different. I didn’t want to be defined by the abandonment and hurt feelings. I wanted something more. I needed something more. Then one day I as I was reading my favorite blogs I came across a post by Ali Edwards. She’s a mom, wife, and published scrapbooker who lives in Eugene. She chose a word for the year. I thought it was a great idea so I decided to choose one, too.

I chose Valor. I don’t remember what I was thinking at the time I chose it. I recently wrote an essay on Valor for my writing class. For lack of anything better to say, I thought I’d post it here.

Enjoy!

    January 1^st, 2009: no New Year’s resolutions for me! I would not vow to lose 100 pounds or save $1000. Both are honorable and much needed, but far too narrow of a focus. I came upon a website that encouraged the readers to choose one word per month that would represent that person. I knew I couldn’t keep up with a monthly word, so I chose one for the entire year. I decided to become a woman of Valor. Yes, with a capital ‘V’. One question: what does Valor mean? I can’t really give you a dictionary definition of Valor, but I have a few ideas.

    A woman of Valor is strong, courageous, bold, assertive, trusting, worthy of trust, adventurous, and maybe even a bit dangerous. I think of the Eowyn and Arwen from the movies Lord of the Rings. Both women are feminine, yet fierce warriors. They faced the challenges ahead of them even though they were afraid. They are loyal, loving, and compassionate. They are strong women. I want to be like them.

A Valorous woman is kind and wise. Her words bring life and inspire those who come near. She speaks the truth with gentility. Though her words may be words of correction, they are also words of love and grace. She doesn’t entertain bad news, but rejoices in the good. She knows when to speak and when to keep still. The hearts of her friends safely trust her. She knows who to trust, when to trust, and how to trust in the ones who love her.

    A woman of valor suffers quietly. Her faith may quiver, but it does not retreat. Though the battle rages around her and she gets pushed down in the muck, she rises again. Standing, she inclines her ear to the Captain, who is called Jesus. She listens. She hears. She stands on the truth. In fact, she camps out on that truth. She is stubborn; she cannot be moved. She bears the badge of courage. She doesn’t run toward danger, though she will if need be. She is still afraid at times, but she doesn’t hide in that fear. She steps out of the shadow of fear; it has no hold over her. Fear releases its grip on her once she looks it straight in the face and tells it to go back where it came from.

A woman of Valor is strong. Her strength is from within. It is quiet, but it doesn’t go unnoticed. She is not frigidly strong. It isn’t a strength that pushes people away; the warmth draws them near. It’s the kind of strength that calls out your own strength when you’re around her. She stands firm. She is unmoved by the waves of her emotions. Strength is prone to riding the waves of change, but rather is a deeper part of her.

She stands tall and proud at the top of a green, grass covered bluff. The climb has been treacherous. The trail is covered in sharp rocks and mud. It is completely washed away in some places. She has had to forge a new path for her and the ones who climb after her. Her hands are calloused. Her knees bear the scars from all the times she has fallen. She has been beaten down. There were times she thought she could not go on. She thought she may die on the way up. When she could no longer fight, she would rest while others fought for her. She got up. She persevered. She made that climb. You’d expect her to be ragged and exhausted at the top. Her clothes should be ripped and muddy. Yet, there she stands, sparkling clean. Head held high, shoulders back, face to the wind. She looks peaceful.

    Is this a lofty ideal? Probably, but I know after the year I had in 2008, I needed to move in a different direction. I didn’t want to cower in the cave of fear. I wanted something better, something great. I don’t want the difficult circumstances of my life to hold me back. I don’t want my children to see me settle. I want my daughters to walk in the truth of knowing they are worthy of being loved. I want my sons to grow up to marry women of Valor. I also want them to walk in truth, honor, and love. Me becoming a woman of Valor isn’t just about me. It’s about my children and my children’s children. It’s about creating a new family inheritance. I will make it up this treacherous trail. I will, one day, stand on that cliff. My head will be held high, my shoulders back, and my face to the wind. I will be a woman of Valor.

 

 

Boggling Brains

I think I tend to be dramatic. Please remember that even though I have a sister, I really was raised as an only child. So, I’m an only and a youngest..and well, I didn’t have to work hard when I was a kid. I remember not liking the teachers or coaches that were harder on me. Now I love them and I’ll probably never see them again. Even if I do, I’m not sure I’d have the guts to say, “Hey, sorry I was such an a** when I was a kid. You were always a great teacher.” Seriously. I was not a good kid. Well, I was and I wasn’t. I fought with my teachers when things got tough for me. I could’ve just asked for help. I remember being in the 6th grade. I took this drama class, but I acted like I didn’t want to, when in reality I really really wanted to be in that class. All the other kids acted like it was such a dumb class. So I did, too. I was secretly hurt when the kids didn’t try to memorize their lines and put on an awesome skit. Guess why I have such nice hand writing? This teacher inspired me. I never told her that. I really should. I see her from time to time and admire her from afar. Anyway, fast forward to my freshman year in highschool. Life was a drag. I was depressed. I was really tired of having a mom that was dead and watching my friends have moms that were alive. I really wanted to be in a play, but was too chicken. Maybe I thought I was being cool. I hung out with the smokers on smoker’s corner. I never smoked. They were nice to me. They did make fun of me for being a good girl, though. What they didn’t know is that I secretly went to school drunk. A good friend of mine, Jacob, played Prince Charming in Cinderella. I really liked him. *wink wink* My sophomore year I wised up, tried out for plays, and my life was never the same. Seriously. The first play I was ever in was Sleeping Beauty. We got to fall asleep on stage. That was awesome. Hmm, I wonder if I have any pictures of that play. My least favorite play was Medea. Mostly because I didn’t fully understand what was happening and I had 2 parts and those Greek monologues are LONG! Oh, and we covered the stage with cardboard and I really hate the feeling of bare feet on cardboard. Yet, I have very fond memories of that play.

I don’t know why I wrote all that, but now I don’t have time to write anything else because it’s almost time for me to get ready to go to work!

Sage’s 9th birthday has come and gone. I don’t know why I worry about birthdays so much. I just want them to have fun. Ireland was worried that Sage didn’t have enough toys. I need to write his birthday letter soon. I’m sure I won’t do it before Ireland’s 6th birthday which is the 30th. I can’t believe how quickly my kids are growing. I’m not sure I like it. I miss how little they were. Ireland is the only one that can still comfortably (for me) curl up in my lap. Next think I know they’ll all be teenagers. Well, Christopher is a teenager and he won’t still be one when Ireland is 13. He’ll be 20. Old enough to vote and go to war. Canada here we come! Heh. Just joking…maybe.

I’m not feeling so bad now. I’m learning how to buckle down and let go. Oh, the comment from Ingrid on my last post totally made my day.

Alright. I really gotta go now!

But first, tell me why I have flies in my house and why they keep bothering me.

Thoughts on…me!

*I began this post on Tuesday. It is now Friday. My brain is SO slow.

Almost every day I’m asked, “How do you do it all? Four kids, a job, and now college? Wow!” People want the nitty-gritty details of my life. They want to know how “super mom” does it. Well, I wouldn’t know.

At this moment, I am utterly exhausted. My arms are as heavy as tree trunks. My eyes are red. Tears and snot pour out of my face like fountains. My sobs deepen with each screech of my children’s voices. I can no longer move.

I’m not sure where the breaking point was, exactly. Was it the fact that I know I’m not doing as well as I need to in my college courses? Or perhaps the text I received a few minutes ago asking me to work the NOC shift tonight. Maybe it’s just the burden of guilt and high expectations I carry on my back.

I don’t do it all. In fact, I don’t do enough of it.

My kids need more of me. My work needs more of me. I know for a fact that one of my friends is feeling quite neglected by me. My schooling needs more of me. I hear that I need to do more for myself, too. So I guess I need more of me.

I submitted an essay for my class today. It was due on Monday. The final draft is due next Monday. It was a weak piece. I am not quite the writer I thought I was, or at least thought I could be. In fact, I pretty much suck in my class. It is awfully embarrassing. It is enough to make me want to end this blogging thing, to never write publicly again.

This schooling thing is going to take more of me that I think I can give.  I didn’t do well in high school. I envied those girls that played in band, ran in track, acted in plays, and still managed to get good grades. I wanted to be in the smart club, but I wasn’t one of them. It isn’t as if they purposely excluded me. I just didn’t fit in with them very well.

I spend hours staring at my computer screen in frustration. It isn’t just frustration over my classes, though. I see my blog needs updating. (You know, then one I’m never writing on again.) My banking account is in the red, or at least it was yesterday before I got paid. My to do list doesn’t have much of it marked off. My menu plan isn’t a plan. There are many photos waiting to be organized, edited, and enjoyed.

I think I need chocolate and a nap. Neither one helps me manage my time better, but they do help me forget about all the other things vying for my attention.

My desktop, my real wooden one, fills up with kindergarten papers, bills, pens, and other miscellany. The other night I was determined to clean my room. I spent an hour and a half folding laundry. After it was put away, I grabbed 2 boxes and swept everything off my desk into them. Ha! Now my desktop is clean! The point is that I needed it clean so that I could take things out of the box and put them where they belong. It all belongs on my desk somewhere other than the huge pile it was in. Today I am determined to keep my desk clean.

This week I learned to focus on three things. That means hundreds of other things didn’t get done. I focused on one day at a time for 2 whole days. Next week I’ll try to figure out how to look a little further out. What is that saying, again? “Fail to plan means you plan to fail.”

All is not so terrible, though. I have a friend helping me to not panic. He patiently asked questions to which I answered through tears, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I JUST KNOW I NEED TO DO MORE AND TO BE MORE!” What I really want is for someone to sit down and say, “Here’s exactly what you need to do every day of every week.”  It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon. I am, unfortunately, completely in charge of my own self.

Fall is Here

Fall is here.

The crispy cool morning air and the bright warm afternoons take me back to my highschool days. One in particular comes to mind. I was wearing a long dress with gold buttons. The background of the dress was black with a floral pattern, but not a bright spring floral pattern. The were muted jewel tones. I loved that dress. On my feet were incredibly uncomfortable boots and on my head was 1/2 a can of AquaNet hair spray. In my bag, or purse the size of a bag, was a jar of black ink and my fountain pen. I was feeling good. I remember wanting to preserve that moment forever. The smell, the cold morning, the bright sun, the chirping birds, the rustling of the leaves overhead, and the incredible sense of being at peace was something I wanted to pour into a glass bottle so I could set it on my shelf and immediately recall that moment.

Fall is here.

The anticipation of how much money my dad would give me for school clothes was exhilarating. I’d mall hop with my youth group leader/very good friend, Teresa. I must find the perfect hypercolor socks to go with my hypercolor t-shirt. Oh, and yes, I’ll take those striped tights and big hoop earrings. What would I wear for the first day of school? I hope nobody else has the same outfit. I had a favorite outfit my senior year. Red A-line shirt,floral leggings, black trouser socks, penny loafer type shoes, and a wide red headband to match. I wore that outfit on the first day of school…so did another girl. A really cute freshman. I couldn’t believe it!

Fall is here.

I love the smell of fresh crayola crayons, don’t you? Sharp new pencils and the coolest of all pens were the highlight of my school supplies. Oooh, and I love to organize binders. I can’t seem to KEEP them organized, but I love putting them together.

Fall is here.

Homework. Can’t say that homework is one of my fondest memories. I didn’t do a whole lot of my own homework. I loved Algebra. I loved my college prep English class, except for the fact that we had to actually share our work with our peers. I loved my friends. I loved the social aspect of high school.

Now I’m in college. I won’t be the socially savvy club leading student I was in the early 90’s. I’m wondering if I’ll even get to know my classmates. This experience will be like no other.

I’m supposed to be writing a few paragraphs about my writing process. I’m not sure how to start that since I really just write for my blog and my journal. My blog isn’t always something I put a lot of thought into. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. It really matters how I’m feeling that day and if I have anything important to say. I compile blog subjects in my mind. I don’t often get them onto paper, real or otherwise. I’d like to change that. I think that my writing process will have to change as I’m learning to write for a college course, but I’m pretty sure it will start out much like my blogs. I’ll think about it as I do dishes, fold laundry, and do other necessary tasks of my day. Then I’ll sit down and free write all I think I want to say. Then I’ll panic and wonder if I even know how to write complete sentences and proper paragraphs. I’ll try to fit a semicolon in here or there. (I now know how they’re used thanks to my WR121 instructor!)

Fall is here.

And soon I will be in love with with the red and golden leaves blanketing the streets like a welcome home carpet.

New Adventures Lie Ahead

I am a college student now. Me. The girl who didn’t continue college 14 years ago in order to be stay-at-home mom. The one who had bad grades in school, but still managed to be loved by all my teachers. I was lazy. Me. The woman who can’t seem to keep her house clean and her checkbook balanced. I started a job last month. I haven’t had a job outside my home since before I was pregnant with Christopher. I’m a homeschool mom, right? I thought I was a Jesus-loving-homeshooling-stay-at-home-photographer-mom. Things have changed, haven’t they? I still love Jesus. I still take pictures. And I’m still a mom. (I don’t think I’m supposed to start sentences with the word “and”, but I had heard somewhere that the rule for that changed.)

I’ll be taking a writing course. I love to write. I love to journal. I love to blog. I used to fantasize about writing an autobiography, but I’m waiting for something exciting to happen. I took college prep english and creative writing in high school, but that was so long ago. Now I’ll be writing for others to critique me. I want to be a better writer, sincerely I do. I’m just not so great about being criticized.

Math 070. The equivalent to highschool Algebra 1. This should be easy. Algebra comes easily to me. I’m just so thankful I don’t have to do geometry. That didn’t ever come easily to me. It hurt my brain and my dear teacher would just hand over the answer book.

Sociology- I don’t even know what to think about this class. It will be an entirely new realm for me. I think I will like it. I hope I will like it.

Then there’s the computer class that I have to take. It’s all based on Windows Vista. I have a Mac. I ordered Vista for it. I hear Windows 7 is superior to Vista, but it won’t be released until October 22. I’m thinking this class will be relatively simple. I understand computers. It’s the geek in me.

It’s the writing class that has me nervous. I know it’s silly of me, but I don’t even know what a morpheme is. Do you? Christopher has to learn and understand what it is for 8th grade language arts. I’ve never heard the word. I’m not so great at grammar. I think I’ll have to follow along in Christopher’s school, too. The definition of morpheme that I linked to up above is a much better explanation that the one his school gave him.

Here’s something shallow about me. I’m sad that I have to give up some of my tv show viewing. We don’t have cable, but I watch them online. I thought I had a short list of the ones I like, but it turns out to be several hours worth per week. I know that tv viewing isn’t so great for the brain. I’ve read the articles that tell us our brain is at the same activity level as sleeping when we watch tv.

Now, something more serious.

Some of you may know that I have been running into challenges concerning my children. Christopher is 13 now and the choices he makes and the things he allows into his brain and heart can be life altering. Do you know how scary this is for me? I didn’t know I could be so scared or so angry or so sad. However, there is hope. There is always hope. I have faith. I have Jesus. Christopher has an older man who has committed to being his mentor, accountability partner, and friend. I see good things in this friendship. All 3 of my younger kids are struggling in school. Ireland is throwing fits. Dusty is below grade level. Sage is so far below grade level we moved him from the 3rd grade to the 2nd grade even though he’s really at more of a 1st grade level. I can’t help but wonder if I’ve done something wrong. Sage had failure to thrive as an infant. I’ve been told that the #1 reason for such a thing has nothing to do with their diet, but everything to do with the amount of physical human contact babies have had. Simply put, he wasn’t held enough as an infant. That kind of thing messes with brain function. The brain can’t develop as it should. I know I didn’t hold him much. I wasn’t around him much. His birth mom wasn’t making good choices in the company she kept at that time so I didn’t visit her. All of my kids need more physical and emotional care from me. I recently read that I need to give them each a minimum of 60 minutes of 0ne-on-one time.

My washer has completely broken. I am SO sad. Seriously. True Story. However, God will work it all out for me.

Now, on a happier note.

Christopher’s ballet has resumed and rehearsals for the Nutcracker will begin soon. Bring on the crazy (read: expensive) season. Ireland starts ballet on Tuesday. Sage and Dusty start gymnastics on Tuesday. Somewhere in there I will join a local gym here in Sheridan that gives you a card key pass so I can work out whenever I want. I know you’re wondering when I’ll find the time. I’m wondering, too, but I’m not going to go all crazy about working out. I am much happier when I do get to go to the gym. I’m less stressed and much nicer to my kids.

My kids. Oh yeah, they’ll be home from their dad’s soon. I’ve gotta be ready for that.

I should be…

sleeping or cleaning or helping kids with homework or balancing the budget, but I’m not.

I’m sitting here listening to music while the kids eat hotdogs outside. I sit here remembering all the things my heart longs to write about. How incredibly blessed I am. How loved I feel by a friend who comes along me and shares in the burden of my life. How I love my job.

Ah, my job. It is a relief to go to my job. It fulfills a part of me that has been missing for many years. My heart overflows every night I work. Where do I work? I work in an assisted living facility in the memory care wing. Have I mentioned to you how much I love it? I love every part of it. I love the book lover who is thrilled when I read to him and the man who has his midnight Snicker’s ice cream snack. I love the stories and even the lack of stories. I love to love them.

I should also write about Festival of Tents. It rained. It blew. We stuck it out. While there, Ireland hit her head and needed stitches. I won’t write about those things though, until I’m ready to post pictures.

Ah, pictures. I took lots of them. That’s what I do.

School started this week. Christopher is in the 8th grade. He’ll be doing an online charter school. We met his teacher today. Dusty is in the 5th grade, Sage in the 3rd, and my sweet Ireland started Kindergarten today. I was brave. I didn’t chase her down, squeeze her, and shower her with kisses. Pictures to come next week.

And now, I must fold laundry, do dishes, direct kids, help with homework, and somehow get a nap in before I work.