Sunny Saturday With Sage

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It’s a beautiful October Saturday. I slept in a little later than usual & I am so grateful for it. I decided that I’d go for a bike ride with Sage so I woke the kid and we headed out. I loved it. The ride was quiet enough for me to think. It went something like this:

Oh, that’s pretty.
My friend’s mom lives there. Wonder if I should see her sometime.
Oh, I wonder how far I’m going.
Oh look at that bird.
Is that gravel? Am I going to crash?
Where’s Sage? Sage? Hello?
My legs hurt. My butt hurts. It burns.
So glad it’s downhill on the way home.
Do my brakes work?
What if I wreck?
Oh hey, it’s a blue heron.
Wish I had my camera.
How would I carry that camera?
Would I stop all the time to take pictures?
What does it look like to go on a bike tour across the state?
Oh my aching legs?
Is this better than running?

My thoughts come at me at about a million miles per hour. Eventually I calm my thoughts and begin to pray for my friends. Ah, that calms me. By the time I get home I’m super happy. Tired and yet energized.

I’m enjoying these days, lately. It’s a time of discovery, wonder, and fierce love.

Have a great Sunday, everyone!

 

Let It Begin

Sage: Mama, come out front please!
Me: Uh, why? [in a frightened tone of voice]
Sage: Just do it. I want to show you something. Close your eyes.

I walk out to the front porch then insist on on opening my eyes. Both he and Christopher are “helping” me out there and I am wary of their help.

What’s that? My beloved bike!?! WHAT????? He had fixed it up for me all on his own!

We then went on a very short bike ride. Ginger decided to come along. I don’t know what it is with riding the bike, but she turns into psycho dog. She jumps back and forth in front and on either side of the front tire LOUDLY and somewhat frantically barking. I was afraid she’d get hurt because she’d run a circle around me with cars coming from all directions. Also, I really didn’t want to run over her leg and then have a vet bill.

When I was young I was in a very bad bike wreck. I still have some anxiety over that. I didn’t know that I did. I mean, I rode bikes for YEARS after that even though I was scared. I wanted to keep up with my friends. As I was riding up and down the hills around my house I kept thinking, “I’m not wearing a helmet. Oh, I like this shirt. What if I rip up my jeans? Does it hurt more to skid down a hill than it did when I was kid?” I went home shortly after that. I’ll ride my bike to the gym in the morning if it is light enough. I need to replace some reflectors and I should get a helmet, my brain is rare and precious.

It was just yesterday that I was saying I need a bike. I’ll still need a different bike for what I’d like to do, but this one is good for around town. I’m so THRILLED to have her back. The brand of the bike is Free Spirit. As I was riding her I thought that her name should be “Susie” or maybe “Suzie”….maybe “Sally”? I don’t know yet. I’ll have to ride her more.

my bike

October

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I LOVE OCTOBER!!!!

Right now it’s bright and sunny. This morning it was cold and foggy. The leave will start falling; the ground will be littered in jewel tones of red and yellow. I’ll walk through the piles of dry leaves to hear them crunch beneath my feet. It will be glorious.

I want to sit near a window sipping a cup of tea. I’ll gaze out upon the golden field and dream. I’ll dip pen into ink & write in my journal. I’ll write of the days’ happenings and of my future dreams. The will be a chill in the air so a fire will be made for me in the fireplace. Food will appear when I am hungry. It will be quiet except for the scratching of my pen on paper.

The above is my dream. That scenario won’t happen, but I’m going to pretend it will. Those thoughts make me happy.

I’m turning 40 this month. I thought I’d be sad or scared or angry about it. So many people complain about aging. Personally, I’m thrilled. I feel like I’m finally becoming who I have been designed to be all this time. I feel like things are beginning to fall into place. I am feeling whole.

Is my life any different than it ever has been? Yes and no. Many of the circumstances haven’t changed, but I have changed.

I like who I am now.

Go outside and tell October welcome. It’s my happiest time of the year!

 

The Final Stretch

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I have a lot to say and I don’t have anything to say at the same time. I’m up past my bedtime.  I started writing about 20 minutes before bedtime, but I keep rewriting. Therefore, I think I’ll leave you with this.

Days are hard and the challenges are many. I am an stronger than I ever believed. I have found that I truly am a conqueror.

I only have 2 weeks left in this 90 Day Zeal for Life Challenge. I can’t believe it. Tomorrow I will shoot my 11th update video. I’m pretty excited about that. Keep an eye out for that on Tuesday morning.

Here’s the video from last week:

The Skies Reflect My Heart

It is a beautiful autumn day here in my small town. The skies opened up letting the rain fall on the first day of Autumn. Last night I woke several times listening to the rain come down. Somehow it comforts my soul. My heart feels as though it’s been split wide open. I am raw. Yesterday I kept thinking, “I am wrecked.” I didn’t mean it as something tragic, rather I saw it something beautiful in it.

Rain. Autumn. My favorite time of year. The leaves turn beautiful hues of gold and red. The nights turn cool, while the days stay warm. School has started again. I like the routine of it all, though I haven’t quite gotten the hang of it yet.

I wish I had a fireplace or wood stove. Today is a day I’d love to lie in a comfy bed reading a great book while being warmed by wood heat. That feels like rest to me.

I can’t get over the beauty of Autumn. It’s a huge burst of unspeakable beauty as leaves die and fall to the ground. It calms my heart. I would love nothing more than to go for a long walk in the woods with a good friend. Talking, not talking, I don’t care. I’d have my camera observing the life around me. I love the crunch and rustle of the leaves underfoot.

Healing. That’s what Autumn reminds me of.

Welcome the healing. Welcome the leaves falling to the ground. Maybe they’re in love with life and they know that for the tree to really live they must fall to the ground making room for the good things coming in the Spring. 

 

 

…and the days are blessed

in the meadow

 

It’s nearly 10:30 p.m. at the end of a Sunday filled with so much love I can hardly stand it.

Randomeness follows:

My good friend’s birthday is today and I witnessed him be blessed by a large group of people who love and honor him. Then another good friend shared her testimony and the vision God has given her for building His Kingdom and making disciples.

I feel like I have so much to say, but I don’t think words can encompass what I’m feeling inside. I feel tender and mighty strong at the same time. I remember when God called me out of hiding and told me I was a woman of valor. I didn’t believe him, but I wanted to. I wonder if that’s how Gideon felt when God called to him, too. Worship is doing something different in me that it used to. It calls to something deeper than I can express. I feel emotional, but not in that crazy bad way.

It only now occurs to me that losing this weight is uncovering something. It’s been a battle, I won’t lie about that. Some of my weekly update videos have shown my disappointments. Yet, I feel so strong.

Friends, you are such treasures to me.

Transformation

I just got home from filming my third update video in my 90 day Zeal for Life challenge. It’s so hard for me to do those videos. First of all, I’m nervous and I feel like a total dork talking to the camera. I am getting much better at it. I knew I was under a time crunch because Lennox’s next appointment was at 9; I barely got out of there in time. Making these videos is so emotional for me. Last week was hardest, but I had some wind down time because we filmed in the evening. Today it worked out better to film in the morning right after my very sweaty workout. I rushed home to my real life waiting for me. I feel insecure and out of sorts. I don’t like the numbers on the scale this week. I don’t like how I say “um” and “so” a lot during filming. I look at my body and I wonder how on earth anyone finds me beautiful. I wonder if they’re liars and how it benefits them to lie to me. I also know that these thoughts are completely unfounded and are fueled only by my imaginations. I have the best group of friends you could ever find and they most certainly not liars. I tend to choose friends that have better vision than I do. They’re able to see more clearly. I believe they speak the truth.

In July of 2013 I did a 12 mile hike a few good friends. A few days before the hike I wrote a post about it called Brave or Crazy? I was scared. I am carrying at least an extra 120 lb on this body. The next day my good friend Sarah sent a message saying she read my blogs. Then she encouraged me by saying, “but i also believe that are true selves are who we are made to be and the selves we perceive/see are not accurate. so may i suggest you rename yourself more true to what God, myself and many others already see in you and give no notice to what you may perceive in yourself? i say you are a fighter and determined and a perfect weight person trying to be fit and eat well. i love you whatever weight you are.” I thought of her words so many times as I was hiking. I texted her when I had finished and she replied, “You’re a hero, i knew you would do it even if u felt like u couldn’t.”

Two weeks later, on August 4 (exactly a year ago) she died. I feel a little sick inside typing that. I miss her. A lot. In her life here on earth she inspired me to walk with Jesus more fully, examining my heart and actions. I’m sure I think of her daily and am inspired by her love and the relationship she had with Jesus and the people around her. I am feeling so much about her, but I’m not ready to share that here.

After the hike I wrote a blog with lost of pictures, which means you don’t want to miss it because it’s seriously beautiful people. I titled that one Crazy Brave or Bravily Crazy. I’ve decided I’ll just call myself Brave because that’s what I am. I’m also whiny sometimes, but I expect that to change. I am Brave because I choose to do hard things. It’s a better story that way, anyway.

This past weekend I did the  5k Ladybug Run. I had sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago so I didn’t even try to jog the entire thing, but I did jog more than 2 miles of it. Immediately upon finishing I started thinking of the next 5k I’ll do and how fast I want that one to be. I was slow. Many walkers passed me, the very young and the much older. Every time one of them passed I’d think, “Yeah, well I’m going to be one heck of a strong runner once I shed this extra weight.” I believe that I will. My next scheduled run is the Color Vibe in Salem. You may remember that we did that last year on my 39th birthday.  That was a GREAT birthday, but I expect my 40th to be even better! (If you want to join in the celebration by joining us in the Color Vibe be sure to let me know & I’ll give you the info you need.)

I want to say thank you to all the support I’ve been getting along this journey. You all inspire me to keep going. Love you!!!!!

YOU ARE ALL ROCK STARS!!!!!

Keep your eye out for this week’s update video. We’ll release it tomorrow for #TransformationTuesday

Until then, here’s a shot of Chani and I after the race. I must admit that I love my ladybug medal.

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