There is a time to sleep and a time to nap

That’s what it feels like these days. I’m extremely tired. It isn’t that sort of tired that I feel when I’m feeling down and depressed; the kind that keeps me paralyzed. It’s the kind of tired that’s caused by large amounts of emotional & spiritual battling. I am spending so much energy speaking truth to myself. I’m battling thoughts of shame, blame, self-justification, and pride. I am choosing to be real with a few people in my life and building those relationships. It’s work. I never knew that. I can feel myself start to float into the shallow waters when conversation begins to venture into the deep. Isn’t that we all want? We talk about this a lot in our Christian community. We throw around words like intentional, transparency, real, accountability. Yet, when it came down to those things for me I couldn’t or wouldn’t be completely real. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I have to go deep with everybody, but I do think we have to be real. Don’t ask me what that looks like? I’m not sure. I’m just thinking here and really, that was all to say that I’m really tired. I sleep deep and I sleep long. On Saturday I woke up around 8:30 and was napping at around 10 or 11. It was nice. It was restful.

Rest. That’s been coming up a lot in conversations. I am looking forward to learning how to rest in the midst of life. I’d really like a weekend to go out to the Trappist Abbey. I’ve never really wanted that before. Silence scares me. Being alone baffles me. I find something to take up that time and space. This time I just want to get away with just me, my Bible, and my journal. Oh, and some sort of awesome pen to write with. Good journal writing starts with a good pen.

Psalm 91:1 says, “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.”

The word dwell gets me. It doesn’t say, “He who visits or passes through or gets a glimpse of…” It says whoever dwells. Where is our dwelling place? Where do t we spend most of our time? Dwell. I don’t know, but it sounds like His place is much better than mine.  Later in that Psalm it says, “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him. And show him My salvation.”

I just know that I’m ready to learn to rest; to dwell and abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I’m ready to take refuge under His wings. Then I shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day nor anything else.

So, while I am sleeping and napping and resting I will be under His wing. This means I don’t have as much time for facebook, instant messaging, phone calls, blog reading, and parties. I am choosing to make time for my kids, school, photography (sort of), my small circle of trusted friends (whom I’ll come up with a cool name for soon), and sleeping. I used to skimp on sleep. Not so willing to do that any more, though there are times I’m still up too late.

 

Love & Dying

I am thinking a lot about LOVE today. No, not love. Not you and me kind of love. I’m thinking of even a bigger LOVE. As in God is LOVE. That’s what the Bible says and I say I believe the Bible. Yet somehow I don’t believe that He really loves me like He says He does. Why is that?

Romans 8:37-39 tells us, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

1 John 2 tells us to not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. It talks of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life and how it comes from the world and not of the Father. I lust and I’m proud and I hate it. I hate that I’m pretty comfortable sitting on my high horse and looking at the choices other people make and think it’s good that I didn’t do that. Guess what? Maybe I did, but nobody knows because it’s hidden in the recesses of my heart.

I love the things of this world. I love this world. I love my iphone and my house and my computers and my books. I love my tv shows and late nights. I love so many things of this world that I’m not supposed to part of. I love the idea of meeting the man of my dreams. I dislike the fact that I’m still officially married and that thoughts of my dream man really show my adulterous heart. Even if I were divorced I’m pretty sure that I shouldn’t be thinking on those things anyway.

I keep saying I want to be free, but I realize that I am free because HE has made me free, but that’s not what I mean. (Um, is it okay to have 2 buts in the same sentence?)

I am also thinking about death today. Not in a morbid sort of way, but in the way that the Bible tells us to crucify our flesh. Frankly, I don’t wanna. I want to stomp my foot, fold my arms across my chest, and say no. Jesus won’t fight me. He won’t force me to walk with Him. He is fierce yet gentle. Though personally, I only understand the fierce part. I don’t understand gentility or grace or that love that waits patiently for me. Galatians 5:24 says, “And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions [amplified version adds the word appetites here] and desires.” So, am I not Christ’s, then? I don’t feel like I’ve crucified those things. Ephesians tells us that if we have heard Him that we put off our former conduct, our old man which grows corrupt and that we put on the new man which was created according to God in righteousness and true holiness.

I crucify, I put take off and put on, I die.

Yet Ephesians 2: 8-10 says, “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”

The Bible also tells us to continue to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, for it is god who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose. The amplified version uses words like cultivate, carry out to the goal with serious caution, tenderness of conscience, watchfulness against temptation, timidly shrinking from whatever might offend God and discredit the name of Christ.

Ouch. That last one gets me. Jesus, I am sorry. I am truly truly sorry for how I discredit your name.

I was talking with my good friend today about how Jesus prayed in the garden asking the Father to let this cup pass from him. I want things to be easy. So did Jesus, but he also wanted to do the Father’s will. So do I. I have spent a lot of time feeling guilty about feeling anything but joy, yet I am told that Jesus’ soul was sorrowful even to the point of death. He asked his closest friends to stay to watch and pray with him. They fell asleep. (I fall asleep while praying, too. Ugh.) He asks, “Couldn’t you keep watch with me even one hour?” I wonder if he was hurt. Did he think something like, “Father, my homeboys won’t even stick to me. I am truly alone.” I feel that way sometimes. Jesus prayed three times for the cup to be taken from him. It was not.

I feel like I’m kind of there. Of course, I don’t have the sins of the world weighing on me and really, I don’t even have my own sins weighing on me. That’s been taken care of. Then why do I feel this way?

It’s time.

Time for Truth to live in me. Time for death of me so that He can live in me. I wonder what people think when they read this. I wonder if they think I’m crazy. I wonder if I am indeed a little nuts.

All I know is that I want what He wants. Even if it means giving up everything I know and everybody except my kids. Even if it means I move into the realm of unfamiliar leaving behind what I know. It seems to me that what I think I know is built on illusions anyway. So, let us get on with it, eh?

 

 

 

 

10 minutes of unedited Dar thoughts

Trust and love. It’s never enough. I mean, you think you get to the point of loving enough and trusting enough, but then you find you’ve only scratched the surface.

Gratitude~ I want to be a grateful woman. I want to see beauty and miracles around me. I want to always be mindful of how good God is.

Today I can barely see out of my right eye because I am in such desperate need of new contacts. I also need an exam. I can’t afford either. So, what I see is blurry and my eye is swollen from the irritation and pain.

I love my dog. I really do.

Why is it that there is so much I want to spill out on these pages, but something always stops me. I want to write about how the kids and I laughed and laughed over silly things over dinner last night and how I loved the looks on each of their precious faces. I want to write about what I’m learning about love from my friend, but what I’m really learning is about HIS love for me. The unrelenting, steady, and fierce love. The one that chases me down the street when I turn to run away. The one I can’t quite understand. The one that died for me. The one that is calling me to Him and I am going.

Rest. Hiding. Listening.

Those are the things I hear.

My word for the year is Renewal. I haven’t really thought about that word for a long time. Last year it was valor.

You are my hiding place

You always fill my heart with

Songs of deliverance

Songs. I think of the Shepherd who passes by singing a song to me. I hear it waft in my windows and I am afraid. I am afraid of the journey. He said He can make my feet like hind’s feet. Recently I was out in the back field. Apparently I was in the way of a deer who wanted to walk past me. It huffed and huffed. My dog growled. I just sat there. The deer huffed a few more times then took off running up the hill.  I’ve seen deer before, but I’ve never seen one running up the hill. It did that little bouncy hoppity running thing. The Shepherd says he can make my feet like that! I will not be hindered. Me? The one whose ankles hurt today because I ran in the field yesterday? But how do I get from here to there? Will it hurt? Is is worth it? Yes, it is. I know it is.

 

 

Swirling Twirling

Today is Saturday. In some circles it’s considered the Sabbath. Well, technically, it’s the Sabbath whether or not one “considers” it. It just is. I wonder what this means to me. What am I to do on such a day? Is it worse  if I yell at my kids today.

Purple. I slept in a purple shirt. I plan on wearing a different purple shirt today. Dusty is wearing a purple bandana that matches perfectly with the shirt she chose today. I should tell her that. I should also tell her how beautiful she looks today. It’s hard to do that when I can hear her in the other room being mean and bossy to the other kids. Back to purple. My clipboard is also purple as is the binder that holds my home management e-books. I will also wear two different shades of purple socks. What is it that draws me to that color today?

My purse is not purple. It is red. I also love red. It is a ruby red on one side and black on the other. The ruby red side is embroidered. My good friend brought it back for me from Cambodia in 2009. That seems like so long ago. Speaking of 2009. I seem to have lost a bunch of pictures from the hard drive crash. So sad. I’m over it now. Not much I can do at this point.

Meandering thoughts wandering around in the vast cavern of my mind. I’ve been told I think too much. What was said today? Something about me thinking so much that  it prevents me from doing what needs to be done. That probably isn’t what was said, but it’s what I heard.

Meandering. Swirl. Twirl. Like a little girl in a red dress that floats out in a big circle around me when I spin in circles. That’s what my thoughts are like. How do I harness those things? I do quite well in harnessing them when it comes to planning or doing something filled with fun. Just like a little girl would.

We sponsor a child in Ghana. We have never written him. As time goes by I feel worse and worse. It is time we change that. It is time we bless him not only with our money, but with our life. This morning as I was lying in bed I thought of how fun it would be to make it our family project. Our first letter would be an short apology then an introduction to our family in words and pictures. I could do it newsletter style, but holding real photos is always better. Then the following letters could be about just one of our family members. What they do, love, don’t love, their favorite things and so on. I don’t know. Just a thought. It would help us to remember to pray for him, too.

Swirling. Twirling. Meandering along a well-beaten path. Thoughts, hopes, fears; all mingled together.

Today is Tuesday

As I said, today is Tuesday. The night was cold, the day promising to be hot. I have much on my heart, but not stuff to share. I get to seen a friend and her kids today for one last time before the school year takes over our lives. My puppy is whining because she knows we are leaving. *sigh* My heart is heavy. So all I can say is: Dear Jesus~ Make me long for what Your heart longs for. My flesh is hungry and I have spent a long time in feeding it. I don’t have a deep desire to please You or follow hard after You so I ask that You would give me those things. Today I need the grace to be kind to my children when my heart is hurting. Let the words that find their way out of my big mouth be words of wisdom and kindness. Amen

chains

©2010 Darlene Taylor Photography

Click on the image so you can see it full size and read the writing.

I’m still here

I have not abandoned ship. If I weren’t feeling so tired I’d find a really cool picture of a wrecked ship I have that I took at some beach up north. But, I am tired. I was ready for a nap at 9:38 a.m. I did not stay up later than usual. I actually slept longer & deeper the past several nights. My eyes are watery & burning. My sinuses are killing me. My head hurts. And I’m so very tired. I was taught in college prep english to never start a sentence with the word ‘and’. I break rules. Creative people do that. I’m pretending to be creative today.

I have a reader who has never had peanut butter & chocolate together. Please try it. It’s dreamy. I love peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I’d send you some, but France is a long ways to send cookies.

Did I mention that my face hurts?

My friend, Beatrice, made breakfast today. It was yummy. I’m supposed to family portraits with her family today, but it is raining. Why do we have 3 days of bright sunshine then a day of rain? This reminds me to find a place where I can take indoor pictures.

I don’t have much to say today, but writing sometimes helps me think. So does sleeping. I may take a quick nap before I tackle a major, and I mean MAJOR, cleanup/declutter session in the girls’ room. How did they get so much stuff? People keep giving us stuff & I’ve gotta say no. I’m only letting them keep 2 dolls each with a couple of outfits for each doll. There’s so much stuff in there that they’ll still get to keep, but really, how much do they need.

My oldest daughter has her first sport bras now. So weird. She’s 9. I hear that’s normal.

I plan on doing a garage sale in April & listing my house on the market by the end of April. I know it isn’t a good time, but we’ll what happens. I won’t be any worse off for getting it ready for a sale.

Okay. If any of this doesn’t make sense please accept my apologies. I feel like my eyes are going to explode!

I feel like this:

Snippets

It’s been three full weeks since my last post. I can’t believe it. I also can’t believe I’ve spent the past couple of days posting pictures of Project 365. (Note to myself: Hello! Post them every day. It only takes a couple of minutes! Your future self will love you!)

Very foggy around these parts. Well it has been. Today was bright and sunny. Yesterday was not.

So many things changing & evolving…I like being redundant.

Video blog coming up. Hopefully tomorrow. That would make it a vlog.

Everything you do matters. Every step leads you somewhere. What roots are you laying down in your children? How about your own heart. This is something I’ve been thinking on.

Also, could it be? Could it really, really be that those deep desires within us were put there by the Father? Could it be those things that I thought too lofty or too great for me, can be reality and it’s part of His plan? If that is the path, where should my steps be leading my family and I?

So many things to say, but my mind is on overload. I’ve been up since before the crack of dawn and have not napped.

Before I leave you, please check out this cool blessing.